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5 Alternative Christmas Films For Adults

The one movie that is a must this holiday season is horror Christmas comedy Krampus. Sorry, Star Wars: that is the fucking movie to see this December.

The movie comes out Friday and is going to be a wonderful entry into the canon of fucked up, adult holiday films. No, this canon doesn’t include movies like Bad Santa: I’m talking shit no one watches, shit that you should watch high—shit that is for young adults to watch over the holidays without family. They’ll give you a stiff holiday boner without any of the dick cheese typically included.

So, enjoy these five adult holiday films this December. Happy Honda Days!

White Reindeer
What happens when your husband dies and you decide to party with his mistress and do drugs weeks before Christmas? This movie is what happens. It’s an absolutely mumblecore fuck fest that is like Young Adult times Trainwreck times Miracle On 34th Street. It’s a wonderful vehicle for the underused Anna Margaret Hollyman and is a mini holiday masterpiece from Zach Clark. It’s streaming everywhere, too.

Rare Exports
For anyone who has been scared or has hated Santa, this is your movie. It’s a hysterical action horror holiday movie from Finland in which Santa is evil and starts kidnapping children for no reason. Did I also mention that Santa was found in a deep dark cave recently excavated for mysterious reasons? It’s that kind of movie. This is a new holiday classic.

Dead End
While not an amazing movie, this is a fun little horror tripper that is for everyone who hates seeing family over the holidays. It’s kind of like Groundhog Day of the holiday automotive hell variety. I think? It’s hard to explain and it’s ridiculous and it’s somewhat gory but it’s good holiday film that doesn’t quite make it to Christmas because almost everyone dies in the end.

March Of The Wooden Soldiers / Babes In Toyland
These are two movies and both are for kids, I know, but they are both based on the early twentieth century operetta of the same name. Both would be great for you to watch while high or super drunk: the first is a 1934 Laurel and Hardy comedy in which fucking people in puppet suits try to act cute but look horrifying and the other is the same story but stars a young Keanu Reeves and Pat Morita and a teenage Drew Barrymore and crosses the film with a Wizard Of Oz frame. Huh. Also, bonus: you can watch all of Babes In Toyland above.

Scrooged
Fuck A Very Murray Christmas: new, desperate Bill Murray sucks. Go for a classic take on A Christmas Carol with this fucked up, cameo heavy film. There’s some incredible practical effects too and heavy drinking. Just what you need every December!

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