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A Dog That Hunts Semen

Dogs have a very unique sensory skill set that humans do not have. As a result, they can do jobs that we are not fit for or jobs that robots or the like fail at. They’re very helpful creatures.

For examples: dogs employed by law enforcement are very helpful. These dogs can help sniff out firearms and drugs, wildlife and human scents, in addition to the more grizzly tasks of attacking people. They’re a talented bunch.

One untapped talent that seemed unlikely simply for the reasons of, “…why would you ever think to employ a dog for that job?” is a semen sniffing dog. Yes, a semen sniffing dog. Thanks to my friend Lindsay for pointing this out, a poor British pup from Derbyshire named Billie has been tasked with sniffing out semen in order to catch rapists. Yes, Billie is trained to detect “the presence of seminal fluid” on crime scenes. He has already assisted in one arrest.

Great work, Billie! Sorry, Billie.

Billie works under the Derbyshire Constabulary who announced their new employee Bill with a full statement.

Billie is able to detect stains on a range of surfaces and has detected stains more than a year old.

Superintendent Dick Hargreaves said: “Billie was first deployed in March this year after undergoing intensive training. He is a real asset and we share his expertise with other forces that need him.

“He’s already been used in numerous investigations and has found evidence that has resulted in crime scene investigators identifying DNA profiles. We are always looking for innovative ways to improve our service and we’re hoping that Billie’s skills will lead to more convictions.”

Oh, Billie. You good, poor dog with such a unique skill set that will be employed in “innovative ways”: you good, poor, poor dog.

This entire situation begs a very obvious question, that the top commenter on the post submitted: how was Billie trained in this speciality? Well, in addition to help from Swedish police—Who I assume have lots of semen sniffers?—the training sounds uniquely brutal. Here’s what one of Billie’s trainers had to say.

“The semen samples are ethically sourced – we get them from a local hospital andrology department in 1ml sealed vials.

We have different age ranges – 18-60 years – different ethnicities and pre and post vasectomy.

All donors are aware of what the samples are to be used for.

The dog was trained much the same as any scent search dog, and has been taught to freeze on scent and is rewarded with a ball/toy.”

Billie. I’m sorry. You deserve more than this. But thank you? Your stoic stare beyond your police humans says it all. I too would be in a constant daze of “What the fuck did I do to deserve this.” if I were in your position. I’ve had my nose in many a seminal fluid situation and, let me tell you, that fun doesn’t last long.

Dogs are very important to us in intimate ways they do not understand and Billie—Poor, poor, poor Billie.—is living proof. Please keep Billie in your thoughts. Justice for victims of sexual offenses. Justice for Billie.

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