The Fourth of July is one of those holidays that means you get a day off and you barbecue with friends and you usually drink a lot and you have to wear red, white, and blue. It’s a day where you get to show off your ~*~aMeRiCaN pRiDe~*~ which effectively means ~*~AmErIcAnAnAnnnA fAsHioN dRaMaAaaa~*~ You don’t want to look like a styleless putz and you don’t want to look like a bro’d out douche and you don’t want to look like you’re in Betsy Ross drag. So, I thought it would be useful to make some sort of guide to help you figure out what to wear this Fourth of July. Take these dos and don’ts and stick them all over your body, Yankee Doodle Dork.
Don’t: Wear your American flag tank top.
This is some Urban Outfitters straight bro shit. Yes, I once owned this tank top as many of us did—but I have given it away, to disappear into the memory of Summer 2010 and heteronormative ideas of barbecue fashion. Instead, opt for a deconstruction of the flag in tank top form. Try a two toned top or a red or blue striped tank or an abstract star pattern—but keep it simple with two colors and one pattern. A walking flag is too easy and silly.
Do: Button up in the flag.
If you’re going full flag, go all the way and wear that shit all over with a long sleeve flag shirt. It’ll be hot, yes, but wear it full buttoned up, Mexican gangster style. You don’t want to hide any of that flag, fag.
Do: Go for flag shorts.
Flag shorts work because they are much more irreverent than a flag tank top. Also, all them stripes leading right to your crotch can be a good thing if the pattern falls just right. You get a few extra points if they are swim trunks, too.
Don’t: Wear a two-panel flag short.
One side stars and one side stripes? This just looks ridiculous. If they’re full pants? Yes, that works because it’s so much more playful and good ridiculous instead of being ridiculous ridiculous.
Do: Wear green, black, and orange, the inverse colors of red, white, and blue.
If you want to go totally against the norm, wear the opposite colors of the American flag. You may look a little halloweeny—but that’s not a bad thing. If you reappropriate a black and white star pattern with orange stripped shorts and a neon green hat, you’ll like like an alternate dimension American.
Do: Go to another country.
America? That’s so 1776. Opt to employ your Kente cloth or sari or sombrero and bring some “We Are The World” realness to your Fourth festivities. You can also apply any of these rules to another country and show up in that.
Don’t: Go country western.
No one invited the cowboy from the Village People to their Fourth of July barbecue so you can leave any cowboy hats, western snap shirts, boots, statement belt buckles, and Daisy Dukes at home. You don’t want people to think you own a confederate flag.
Do: Army wear.
A camo print is always fashionable and is always patriotic. Make sure you pick American prints (a la, vintage American camoflague) and chose one article of clothing to fit in this. My recommendation is to go to an Army/Navy surprlus store, buy some camo shorts, and cuff the shit out of them into short-shorts.
Do: Go butch, bitch.
Channel Missy Elliot and do butch, dude. Like, grab you a Patriots Jersey or a USA basketball team tank or any other Americana sports apparel and use that as your token Fourth clothing. Just make sure you wear an oversized cap and chunky Nikes. You have to go all the way with this look. Otherwise, go home.
Do: Smartly color block red, white, and blue.
If all else fails, color block the shit out of some red, white, and blue. It’s as classic and cute as apple pie and hot
dicks dogs and will make you look smart. Opt for a white or red pant instead of blue and try for a cobalt blue or dirty white shoe, too.
Don’t: Wear all red or all blue.
You will look fucking insane, like a you are attempting Inside Out cosplay. No. Stop.
Do: Wear all white.
Trying to look like Andrew WK counts as partying.