Thanks to the website NextDoor, our neighborhoods have been given their own online message board, Facebook walls off of Facebook, for people to chat and gossip and share micronews in a void. Most of the messages are very harmless and boring: you get alerts about dogs pooping on lawns, how the trash collectors forgot to pick up yard waste, and people announcing yard sales and babies. Typical neighborhood shit.
Last week was different, though. I got an email about a Crime & Safety post in my ‘hood that was labeled, “Indecent Exposure – Flasher in the hood.” I clicked that shit so fast. I was panting I was so anxious to read about it. I had to know! Who is flashing who in my quiet little area of LA?
Here’s the post, obviously edited so none of you people know where I live. (And, those of you who do know where I live, will understand that it’s super weird a flasher is lurking around a historically Hasidic Jewish neighborhood.)
Okay…What a full moon. While walking the dog yesterday morning a guy drove up next to me and said “Hello”. I didn’t pay attention and he backed up the car said hello to me again and I thought maybe he was looking for directions and I turned and said, “Hello” and yes, there he was with his johnson in his hand. And sure like all exhibitionists he said, “Does this look good?” and naturally I said, “No it looks stupid.” And walked off. I must admit I am annoyed that I didn’t take a photo of the his license plate. This was around 7:15am on [Street] between [Street] & [Street]. The car might have been an older Volvo? Kind of wagon-y. Beige color. He looked around 30 maybe latino. He is pretty brash given there were other people walking dogs and there was gardener and other people out and about.
Well. “there he was with his johnson in his hand” has got to be one of the best things I have ever read. Another great thing? “No it looks stupid.” I hope to say that to someone one day. “What do you think of this cock?” he’ll ask. “It’s stupid.” Who calls a penis stupid?! I love that this person called it stupid. That is new.
Also: a 7AM flashing. That’s the craziest part to me. Was this guy drunk or high from the night before? Was he not excited to go to work and just wanted to get a quick kick before driving in? That would be my guess. Why not give your chub a little air before it has to rest in your work pants all day? While not an inspiration, that is vaguely understandable. Would I want to see some dude’s chode while I am barely awake and walking my dogs? Probably not. Maybe that’s why it’s so stupid.
If you want to dig deeper into this flash of madness, the comments are great too:
Oh dear! I used to always get flashed when I lived in upper Hollywood but you don’t expect it down here!
What a DORK!
This is no laughing matter BUT I’m blown away by your cool response.
And the other 2 women kid of blase y. As far as not getting it down here in the Ortho Hood Sarah, we will not be outdone. There is hope for this area.
I do have an 87 beige Volvo wagon but not 30 & Latino. More like old & very sad. I do take exception with the word Johnson as it implies a genericness & as you know we’re all different.
There is a woman who walks her dogs & bangs on my door-it’s like thunder & lighting at least once a week. Sure she’s cute but I’m so afraid. Be safe
Rob, you’re so nuts, but an amazing friend and neighbor. Love you.
“More like old & very sad”: more like the best. “We’re all different.” Apparently I have great neighbors. Thanks, Stupid Flasher Dude!