A Gay Baseball Player Will Be Cool With Everyone

Big news, sports fans: David Denson of the Milwaukee Brewers, a team that is affiliated with the major leagues, has come out as gay. This is big! We now have a working athlete who has a job holding down his sport while being out and proud. What a role model!

As ESPN pointed out in a quote from the team General Manager Doug Melvin, “Our goal for David is to help develop him into a major league player, just as it is for any player in our system, and we will continue to support him in every way as he chases that dream.” That’s so sweet! Can you believe how nice the world of baseball is? It’s a long, slow sport of men who look like your dad tossing balls around, referring to different parts of the game as the “top” and “bottom”: it’s quite an accepting sport. No one touches each other in this sport and people mostly watch it because they can casually drink beer and hang until, like an orgasm, a rush of excitement happens that gets everyone cheering. Some of the positions in the team are aligned with anal sex positions too.

Baseball is gay. David Denson’s being out is no big deal and obviously why he is being embraced. He will do well.

Compare this with someone like Michael Sam—whose coming out was incredibly divisive and ultimately kept undoing his career—has not had a good run. No one will ever know if his lack of success was because of his coming out before his career could start but you have to suspect that it did have a small something to do with it. Unlike baseball, football is not a kind sport.

This is a sport where sexuality and gender expression is central to playing. You are basically constantly groping each other, pushing and hugging and clawing each other to the ground so you can touch the leather ball. The goal is to get that leather ball from another man’s hands so you can bring it back to your team, to celebrate, to do the Dance Of The Confident Man with the leather ball after it has crossed into The Zone. There are girls in little skirts whose job is to worship the men who touch the leather ball—and the get paid poorly to do this. The Super Bowl is not about the commercials: it’s about the sport. It’s about the plays. It’s about the men who love women and that leather ball.

Being gay is not acceptable because adding a man who loves other men into this leather ball relay fucks up the vibe. If all these big, burly, bearish men are touching each other knowing that they don’t regularly touch men is interrupted by a man who does regularly touch men intimately then the whole charade collapses into a pile of sweaty crotch touching. Adding a gay man to this sport lets everyone see football for what it is: fucking gay. It is disturbingly homoeroticism. This is why there are no women in football because of the constant gropery. Michael Sam never had a chance. No gay footballer ever has a chance.

Even with allies in the sport like Brendon Ayanbadejo and Chris Kluwe, shit doesn’t change. If the top of the straight male mountain is subverted by gays, then what else do straight men have? Nothing. This is why there is a constant shushing of the LGBT in football: the man-touch-man leather ball run is the best display heterosexual males have at showing how heterosexual they are. Regardless of great urges by people like Kluwe, things aren’t changing.

But baseball? That is fine. It isn’t the same as football. Wrestling? That’s theatre anyway so of course there is no problem with a gay person up in there. Football is neither delicate nor relaxed, playful nor fun: it’s the most serious sport ever created. It’s by men, for men. No men who love men—or women—areallowed.

So a gay baseball player will be fine. David Denson will have a great career and, really, this will likely help him a lot. But the future Sams? They have the minors and the eventual push out of the sport to look forward to.

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