A Small Theory About The Mummy That A Friend Told Me And I Cannot Stop Thinking About

That new Mummy movie comes out today and it looks really, really bad.

Have you seen the trailer? It is laughably bad. Watch below!

As you can tell, the movie deals with some strange Middle Eastern phobia via vilification of this mummy figure but it also features Tom Cruise running around with ally Annabelle Wallis.

In the hopes of evading bad mummy woman Sofia Boutella.

It looks action packed! It looks dumb! It looks like it’s made for our parents and probably international audiences!

The strangest, funniest thing about the movie can be summed up in this .gif:

What do you think of it? I thought it was a silly water scene but it seems like more than that.

At a brunch last weekend with a few good, old friends Mia and Tiernan, the subject of this soon-to-bomb movie came up. Tiernan offered an excellent, queer read of the film that was funny because he is not gay and because, dang, I took my queer eyes off for a second and didn’t see it myself: the entire movie, like many Tom Cruise movies, is about two women trying to nail Tom Cruise despite his being elusive and untouchable as a result of his gayness (which, in this case, is his “invincibility” or whatever the fuck the movie alludes to in the trailer).

In hearing this theory, the movie actually seems…exciting? Or at least interesting because it so is that. It very much is the trope of women fighting over a man who is straight or men fighting over a man who is straight: it is a queer something masquerading as a new monster universe. Paired with Cruise’s persistent gay rumors, it’s fascinating food for thought.

So, this weekend when your parents see this movie, consider this: it’s about two women pining for a gay man. It will probably make the movie a lot more fun.

Photo via and via.

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