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Blue Champagne? Blue Champagne.

Of all the things to drink, champanges and sparkling wines are the most magical. Their effervescence and general bubbliness makes any occasion not only more sophisticated but more festive. A sparkling beverage is not only for New Year’s: it’s for whenever you want to feel happy.

As a self-proclaimed connoisseur of this particular beverage, I am constantly seeking out new and unique entries into this wine sub-genre. Sparkling rosé? I have a fairly firm grasp on them. Lambruscos? I dabble. Blue champgane? No idea. Is this actually something? What does that even mean? This has to be a joke.

Well. No, it isn’t: blue champagne is a real thing.

Blanc de Bleu Cuvee Mousseux Vintage Cellars Blue Champagne 1234KYLE5678 1

The wine is embarrassingly titled “Blanc de Bleu,” something that infers it’s Californianess, it’s “fancy” nature, and it’s generally appalling sense of self. It’s a sparkling wine…that is blue. The bottle features silver glittering dots and a Bejeweled™ jewel within an overly ornate wine label / brand identity. It is a wonderful color though, I admit: it’s a neon blue, an electrifying near greenish shade of Windex™ that is as attractive as it is awful. You wonder if it is sticky or solvent. You want to touch it. You want to open it up and play with it. It is certainly an inviting liquid, appealing by its color alone.

Does it taste good? It can’t—but I had to know. At around twenty dollars, it was a tough sell for trying just to try it. Twenty dollars could be three OK wines. Twenty dollars could be two “Decent!” wines. Twenty dollars could be one stellar, affordable wine. But a gamble, conversational experiment? Twenty dollars is a lot.

In looking at it up close, you have a feeling what it smells like: sweet and like something your mother might like. It has to be near the flavor profile of a jawbreaker. This is the gay cousin of Hypnotiq. It cannot be good. Or is it?

Blanc de Bleu Cuvee Mousseux Vintage Cellars Blue Champagne 1234KYLE5678 2

No, it’s terrible. The nose of the wine is that of the idea of manufactured blueberry. It’s the gustatory manifestation of Blue No. 1. It’s a dulled Blue Razz Blow Pop. It’s something from Easter that you’ve tried and maybe liked but didn’t care to try again. It is at the opposite end of the “Things I want to try again!” flavor spectrum.

This is all fused together with generic “bubbly wine” taste. This isn’t something that naturally occurs in wine palates. There is no tasting that this should be a part of. This thing masquerading as a champagne is smooth slime. It will kill you and it definitely is not good. It’s sweet, it’s artificial, and—as friends also echoed when I forced them to try it—it tastes “blue.” It is a manifestation of color, flavor, and state of being. This isn’t a happy drink. It may seem sparkly and bright but it is an assured downer.

Is this disappointing? No: you can look at this and recognize it is shit. The upsetting thing is that it’s so pretty looking. There is a fun visual something to it! You imagine it to be refreshing and exciting but, instead, it’s overbearingly sweet and unhappy. It sucks the life out of you. Champagne typically bubbles you up like Fizzy Lifting Drink minus an angry overhead fan. Blanc De Bleu? Every bubble pops inside of you and makes you smaller and smaller and smaller.

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