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Contrabasses Are Weird

The word contrabass refers to a set of instruments that have very low sounds. The instrument is typically envisioned as the giant, laughable giant violin that men in jazz groups pluck slowly, seemingly having the easiest job of the gang. That is just one of the many musical oddities in the family of contrabass.

Play this before advancing.

This is the sound of a double contrabass flute. It’s an exaggeration of the dainty silver pipe that has gotten so big and unruly that it curled upon itself like a triangular Pug tail. It stands on the ground and it’s buttons are the size of metallic silver dollar pancakes.

There’s a contrabass harmonica too. Listen to it:

The existence of the contrabass harmonica proves that size of the original instrument is irrelevant: anything can become a super bass. These harmonicas are like cereal boxes that you can blow. All media I have found related to this instrument deals with somewhat sketchy looking white men blowing the box.

The thing about these instruments is that they produce giant deep sounds. And they’re hysterica; to look at. Look at this fucking dude playing a contrabass saxophone: is he playing the instrument or is this man cooperating with metallic ectoplasm that has been released as the byproduct of physical mediumship? The image inspires the phrase “Who is playing who?” which is likely remarked by a grandfather at the end of this man’s recital.

Contrabasses make up their own rules, too. That explains the contrabass serpent. What is it? Listen:

It is not a snake. I have no idea what it is but people play with it. Surely this is a fetishist item that a man has placed his member inside of? The same with a contrabass recorder: I can guarantee you a person attracted to penises has likely fooled around with one. It’s just so big.

Yet, these ridiculous instruments are used to make music. In case you think they are too distant from you, a reminder: the bass guitar is in the family of contrabass. They are the Marcia Brady of the unsightly bunch. “Why haven’t you mentioned the balalaika contrabass,” you ask: that is because those are the Jane Brady and they scare me. “And what about the contrabass tuba?” That is a giant brass hamster maze. That is not an instrument.

I thought I would share this as a reminder that the world is big and there is so much weird shit around us that we have no idea about. Please tell your friends about contrabasses because they are fucking crazy and deserving of your falling into a clickhole dedicated to them. Consider spending some free time doing so, please.

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