Now that I have been logging my dreams for almost a year, I have noticed that many a theme has emerged, that there are certain places and people and things that keep popping up in my non-waking life.
Bobby, bathrooms, my siblings, rowing, labyrinthian colleges, airports, ex-boyfriends, Scooter: specific yet pervasive things keep popping up in my dreams. I’m so intrigued by this! Are these things I think about the most or that my life or mind or body are trying to remember, to reconsider, to illustrate a priority? I’m unsure. Intrigued by this? Yes. Able to use this productively? Not sure at all.
Still, I persist with my bizarre exercise. This month was fun so enjoy my night thoughts – and please share any analysis of my interior mind.
Thursday, 10.4.2018, Los Angeles, CA
Miley Cyrus wants to open a shop with me. It’s a combination tattoo parlor, taco shop, and submarine. It should be cool! It’s themed out to be American or Harley Davidson. I cannot tell. It turns me off but I tell her that, if we can do this all from a queer perspective, I am in. She insists it will only be this way. She puts me in charge. She trusts me. I take charge and love it but don’t think I care. I help kids who are lost, folding them into the project. It may or may not be successful but that doesn’t matter. We’re making it work and having fun in the process.
Friday,10.5.2018, Los Angeles, CA
I’m at a football game with Bobby and Robyn (not the musician). We’re going to go on a roadtrip. To get to the car, we have to walk over the stadium via a rail-less skywalk balcony, mid-game, where the teams hang out. They walk over confidently. I am so scared. I crawl over. I end up in the locker room. I can’t find them. I run into CJ and Bob, my old college roommates and athletes, and they talk about how everyone is drinking. Was I too drunk? Is this why everything was fucked uo? I find my way out and see Bobby and Robyn in their car. They are waiting for me. Zoe is helping. As is a grandmother. I am drunk and not and trying to help. I fail. We go on a roadtrip hut dont get where we want to go. It’s my fault?
Tuesday, 10.9.2018, Los Angeles, CA
I am trying to fly somewhere. I have to finish work at an internship where my boss is taking forever. The other interns leave but I wait. It was worth it because I bond with my boss and he seems to offer advice. I hurry to the airport but missed my flight. A bizarre cab circles me around for hours, in traffic that feels like The Fifth Element. I realize I forgot my passport, a snag as I realize I’m going to Europe. I sneak in and out and talk to the currency counter — which is a pawn shop — for help. They teach me lies for getting in. I recognize how wrong this sounds and demure.
Thursday, 10.11.2018, Los Angeles, CA
I am in a house. It’s both a rental unit and a showroom and an office that I work in. I am submitting a paper to my editor, who is a friend. My dad or some “official man” weighs in on my paper. He thinks it sucks. It goes to my editor-friend who jokes in front of the group how I’m being put on probation because I keep not following rules. I smile and think it’s funny but then get really fucking pissed that such a conversation wasn’t held in private, to be discussed with nuance. I awake and go back to sleep and try to reconstruct the scene where I say as much but it’s more of a fantasy than a dream.
Saturday, 10.13.2018, Los Angeles, CA
I stumble upon a shoe store that’s shooting a movie. I become an accidental extra. The sales people actors say to stick around and you can take shoes. I don’t get what they say. The shoot wraps after ten minutes and people keep taking shoes and materials and anything in the store: it was all a facade for a short scene. I take two pairs of shoes that are too large for me and a very heavy mat. I struggle to carry the mat and regret my decision. I meet my friend Patrick who is living in a parking lot. I tell him to make dinner since he’s a chef. He doesn’t understand that I’m not joking or speaking in code.
Wednesday, 10.17.2018, Los Angeles, CA
I am on some sort of reality show in a fancy house. Nicole Byer is also a cast member but she starts off as a “New York” Pollard type and then transform to herself. There is a long dinner scene and then we are in a pool. It is fun but I know something else is going on. A man who is a cheerleader is very mysterious. He’s cute and I try to sneak in his room, which I cannot open because each of our rooms are voice activated. I sulk.
Saturday, 10.20.2018, Los Angeles, CA
Three course pasta meal, prepared by Jenny and Bobby and I. We make a spagetti for a group and it’s good, a ravioli for a boy we think is gay but who is wildly offended, and then a lasagna. We remake the pasta for the not-gay-but-gay boy to be more sensitive. We serve him ravioli and talk. We fly around the city looking at houses, trying to guess who lives in which fancy house.
Wednesday, 10.24.2018, Los Angeles, CA
Bobby and I have a house that is connected to another house. No one will ever move in, we think. Then a gay couple move in and Bobby is annoyed but I see an opportunity to make new friends. They’re from Colorado and are religious but were driven out of their church and now live here. They are very nice until a camp full of their kids popped up and we are very annoyed.
My dad won’t let me go to a school I want to go to. He takes me and my siblings for a walk in the city and sees that I am responsible and can do things. Sadly, he’s already made his decision.
We’re at a teen’s house who has made a sprawling pop culture game. I’m cocky with what I can do. I pick an easy horror question and am stumped. He explains the andwer in detail and I pretend to have known it. The next question I answer almost correctly as it was related to an early Peter Jackson film. Jackson then comes out and shares his process of making a stop motion MTV logo in the eighties.
Friday, 10.26.2018, Los Angeles, CA
I am interested in rowing again. I go to a boathouse in a strip mall seeking to get involved. Bobby comes with, to learn too. It is like a strange drive through of boats. People are participating but everyone seems claustrophobic and only capable of so much. I repeatedly try to get a boat but never really get one. It’s frustrating but I try and I try and I try.
Sunday, 10.28.2018, Los Angeles, CA
I cannot tell if this is a dream or a video I watched before falling asleep but there was a fat cat, a big round ball of a thing, whose head would yawn and meow so big that you could see a dark, sticky inside within its body.
Monday, 10.29.2018, Los Angeles, CA
I am in college, placed in a group of guys who are the top of the class, the leaders of our grade. I am the only queer person in the group. We are a diverse set otherwise. We are led by a few people who take us on crazy activities and field trips. I feel like I am constantly being pushed to be more manly, to live up to this expectation of being male representatives. When we’re posed for a photo in a balancing challenge in water, I excuse myself. “I’m tired of being forced to conform to your idea of gender,” I say. “Don’t project your idea of maleness on me.” They apologize and pretend that they weren’t but I can see that they realize that I caught what they were doing. I instead wander the labyrinthian school, going to various bathrooms. I stumble upon one where people are having sex. I do not want to participate: I just want to go to the bathroom. I leave and attend a Scissors Sisters concert in Atlanta.
Tuesday, 10.30.2018, Los Angeles, CA
I’m in a big vintage store looking for things. I find a lot of cool stuff, including very large gaucho pants. I want them. They are covered in paint. I want them. We are on some sort of vacation. This store is like an artisinal Wal-Mart and I never want to leave.
Wednesday, 10.31.2018, Los Angeles, CA
I am driving around, looking for books. I keep coming back to this shotgun style store where they sell books in parking lots. Kirby is always there with friends. She recommends the same few, good books. One is a graphic novel. One is called “The Forester.” I keep trying to find them and pick them up but ultimately do not buy them because I need to save money and have a long list of books I need to read. I love engaging with these people though. It’s always a party at this book store.