Everyone Was Princess Peach

When you were a kid, you probably played Super Mario 2. Everyone did! It is undoubtedly the most bizarre entry into the Mario universe but also the most fun. You get to throw plants, take potions that open doors, throw around crystals, and fight a gender queer egg spitter. It’s the best Mario game because it’s so fucking not Mario.

Also, you got to play as all the Mario characters: instead of just Mario and Luigi, Toad and Peach were playable as well. We all know this very well, that carousel of characters stamped onto our brains, their happy hands waving to you to let you know that you successfully chose a character. It was so great! We all played with the very vanilla Mario and slightly faster Toad and some of us got down with squirrely footed flying Luigi—but we all played as Peach.

Let’s cement this into gaming history: the only character worth playing in Super Mario 2 is Peach. You got to wear a pink dress, wear a crown that stuck out of doorways, and could fucking float when you jumped. You could see that as cheating or an advantage but that really is a perk of a great character. All the rest of them—The men.—were so macho boring: you had to bend to them to play the game instead of the character bending to you. Things got frustrating fast. With Peach? She worked with you. She made ice levels more stable and, despite being slowed by her petticoat, she could speed run to grab extra mushrooms in potion portals. Peach is the jam.

She also was way undersold, too. In the select screen for Super Mario Advance (Which I spent a lot of the weekend playing, btw.), you are given the stats for characters: Mario was given the superior four of five star rating for power, speed, and jumping; Luigi was given mid-level power and speed but a perfect jump rating; and Toad had the subpar two out of five stars for jumping but the impressive perfect score for power and speed. Peach? Fucking two for power, two for speed, and three for jump. Three. And Luigi’s wiggle jump was perfect? Pssssssh. Pssssssh. As if.

This was obviously a man washing of gaming history, making it look like Peach was a bonus character not worth playing. We all played as Peach. She made the game easy and hard and more fun to play. Why else include her? Sure, the original design of the character was a gifted little girl but Super Mario 2 perfected Peach. She was (and is) the best to play. Why don’t we get to play with Peach anymore? Where the fuck is her game? It is time for our Princess Peach flying adventure game. (And, no, playing her in Super Mario 3D World does not count: that is not her own game. Same with Mario Kart…but Pink Gold Peach is rad.)

Yes, I understand that this is a gay video game nerd dream and goes into the long line of girly boys playing girls in games but this is a legitimate request. Like Chun-Li and Cammy getting their own games or more substantial storylines for Morrigan Aensland in Darkstalkers, Peach is a very valuable character who needs her own world built out—and it all started with Super Mario 2. We all played as her! You played her all through your childhood and, if given the opportunity, you would play as her now. Everyone is Peach.

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