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Fart Like You Are A Murderous Insect

Farts are the funniest thing to me. Everyone farts but we don’t actually take the act of passing ass gas seriously at all: it’s a little pfft of a joke that we say privately or in the presence of very familiar, very comfortable people. Can farts be deadly, though? Of course they can! Maybe not for humans but potentially if you are a bug.

According to Wired, there is a little winged critter called the Beaded Lacewing that has the power to kill with its asshole. The bugs’ larvae typically grow up in termite nests, a housing project that doubles as a constant shitty dining hall. Why is this? Well, I’ll let Wired explain.

When a baby Lomamyia latipennis gets hungry, it stuns a termite with a “vapor-phase toxicant” released from its anus. That’s a fancy way of saying it farts on it. In fact, their farts are powerful enough to immobilize six termites with one blow.

That’s amazing. Imagine if we could knock people out with a fart: how cool (disgusting) would that be? Apparently roaches and termites (The irony!) are really good at farting because they have a high fiber diet—but they ain’t no Lacewing. The scientists have been unable to pinpoint exactly what in the butt beverage causes the potency but, boy, is this funny. This is great. There is a creature that can murder others with farts: I never thought I would see this day.

What if people could do this? Perhaps not to the extreme of death, no, but what if farts could be directed at others with a power that could knock someone out? I am sure many claim that they have witnessed so toxic a rump rip that it could have caused death but surely it is not the same. I can tell you that I would have used this technique all the damn time on my siblings as a child. As a kid who was occasionally picked on, rear haze would have been a great friend of mine. This seems like an untapped ass ability that should employed in a comic book: bestow this upon a needy character. Perhaps even give it to a gay male, who can use his toxic tush to knockout haters and potential rapists? Should I write this comic? Maybe I should.

Next time you hear or smell some booty toots, thank whoever you see your creator as for not enabling our brilliant bodies with the gift of deadly gas. Our farts are fine enough. (But, dang, deadly farts are so cool.)

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