FeardotCum is a series of pre-Halloween posts where myself and my friend Ross explore our mutual love of horror films and gayness. Each week, we will watch three horror movies and discuss via text. These are our thoughts.
As we near the end of our weeks of fear and cum, we start to close in on the best and most boring movies. If you want gay fire, we have that in a horror film. If you want the Donald Trump’s America skewering, we have that in a horor film. If you want to fall asleep, we have that in a horror film.
Spoilers ahead, of course. Read last week’s entry here.
Don’t Go In The House is a 1979 horror film about a man who was burned as a child, leading to all sorts of violent and pseudo-sexualized acts involving fire. The French title of the film is Pyromaniac.
R: Ok I love when you popped up in Don’t Go In The House:
K: i was so cute in it!!!!!
K: i was really inspired by carole in office killer
R: YES ITS VERY DORINE
K: “YOU’RE NEVER GOOD ENOUGH!!!”
R: OLD DYING DORINE
R: aka Grandma in Addams Family
K: also oh my god don’t go in the house
K: first off i streamed it off youtube like a TeEn
R: Kyle there was an explicitly gay character in don’t go in the house.
K: and it had french subtitles so i was LeARnInG
R: SAME i think
R: LOOK AT THE GAY MAN
K: wait wait not JUST him
K: what about BOBBY
K: BOBBY LOVED THE PYRO
K: it was all gay
K: he asked him out for coffee, for a drink, took him out dancing, talked to A PRIEST about him
K: talk about work husbands
R: Yeah actualy
R: I was gonna say that was an incredible whatever-the-fire-job coworker guy
R: Like very unusual for a slasher right? A genuinely caring male friend of the protagonist
R: You only really see that in, like, NIGHT OF THE CREEPS
K: it was very much compassionate male character
K: who saves the day (“saves”)
R: unheard of!
K: who is technically the final girl?
K: because the real final girl is the main character, the male they love
R: this was the final girl:
R: all of them.
R: I love the low budget creature FX
K: i know right
K: i also thought the two drunk girls in the truck were us
R: THEY WERE
R: SO FUN
R: AND SAD
R: AND DOOMED
R: I actually felt so much for the first two separate victims in Donny’s Metal Fire Dungeon
R: FIRST OF ALL DID HE BUILD THAT ROOM HIMSELF????????!!!!!!!
K: so many questions
R: Second of all, the first woman and the second woman just made me so sad – they were genuinely like “can you please help me?” and he’s like “uh huh!” and he just throws ‘em his metal furnace 😟 😟
K: was he hot in that suit?
K: was he sweaty?
R: The first girl was harassed by street dudes! And then she gets in donny’s car!
R: The second girl was just like IM ON A HIGHWAY HELLO
R: TAKE ME
K: a super predator!
R: it was so sad
R: it’s a cautionary tale
K: it was very anti-woman (gay)
R: i think it was
R: EXPOSING WOMYN’S STRUGGLES
R: Like all cautionary
K: ehhhhh MAYBE
K: i think UNINTENTIONALLY
R: IM GIVING IT CREDIT but i don’t actually think it was blackhearted
R: I think the filmmakers were like “lets at least let these female victims speak before we off them”
R: unlike a Friday sequel
R: just a teeny bit
K: there was SOME characterization
R: YES like they had meetings about the women’s different personas
R: Which is good.
R: And then donny and his fire and his mother and his army of zombies took over and it was all camp
R: ALSO HIS MUSIC!!! When he dances around his house “free of mother finally”
K: and jumps on the chair!!!
K: and then puts a cigarette out on a female statue!
R: Every chair every table every zombie
R: THAT like what
K: also i just loved the flashbacks to that evil mother
K: and then the club scene
K: the CLUB SCENE callback
K: it was shot at akbar, with the lights on
K: and her red “i’m on fire!” dress
K: and the bad flirting
K: then SMASH HAIR ON FIRE
R: first mom
R: “DONNY!!!!! OH DONNY!!!!!!”
K: it was maybe one of the best (gay) horror scenes
R: COME HERE SO I CAN BURN YE HAND
R: OVER LE STOVE
R: FIRST MOM KYLE FIRST MOM
R: Her hair, hair bosom, her PEARLS look at those PEARLS
R: this movie felt very November to me
R: like every November I want to rewatch it
R: It’s just cold and has Thanksgiving colors
R: And it’s very house-bound which is so wintry
K: its like November 1
R: Or 14th
R: It’s November 14 kyle
K: yes that too yes
K: i mean the stove i wanted to own
K: it was a nice stove!
K: thats all i thought!
K: “damn they need to fix that burner but what a great stove”
K: there were so many “things” like that though
K: that the mom was only alive for 5 minutes but a huge character
K: his reaction to the guy’s death at work
K: the ending where the kid gets yelled at
K: those “moments”
R: and becomes DONNY 2
K: so delicious
R: DONT GO IN THE HOUSER: DONNY 2
R: Yeah this was a genuinely good low budget horror movie
R: I think it was super self aware of its camp
R: It HAD TO BE
R: And it had all those actually good creepy moments too
K: i mean it knew it wasnt THE BEST
K: and, like tourist trap, it indulged
K: those movies are hard to find!
R: OK CLUB SCENE all your comments –
R: AKBAR HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
R: The room was a combination of the juke box area and the dance area
R: The room in DGITH
K: it was absolutely that
R: SMASH HAIR ON FIRE
R: Kyle that was one of the….
R: Highlights of our month
R: It was SO MEAN – SHE JUST WANTED TO DANCE!!!!
R: but she haaaaad to pull his wrists over a tiny table votive candle JUST LIKE HOW his mom did all those years ago
K: So Donny SMASHED HER ON FIRE it is so dark
K: it was a HIGHLIGHT
K: and what a gay thing to do!!!
K: smash her hair!!!!!!
K: and then it (the scene, camera) REVELED in her HAIR ON FIRE
K: and he just was like “Welp BYE”
K: a beautiful burning baby
R: a brood
The Woman is about a family that adopts (Or abducts?) a feral woman. The resulting film is a scathing, brutal comment on America today…made five years ago.
R: I’ve seen it already, it’s extreme, I’m completely on its side, it’s a hugely liberal anti-republican film and I FUCKING LOVE IT not to mention the strong female performance(s)
R: It got nearly no theatrical release after all of its hubbub
R: So I had to travel to
K: oh my god
R: to see it on the big screen in a tiny theater during its one week of release!!!
R: i took the commuter rail from boston to salem like november 2011 or whenever it came out
R: and saw it alone in a 14-seat theater
R: AND IT NEARLY MADE ME VOMIT!!!!!!!
K: like the mother and the old lady and the daughter and the LEATHER LINCOLN NAVIGATOR and the music that played over the somehow fully clothed feral woman
R: THE DAUGHTER is my favorite
K: literally the first ten minutes i was like “damn this is some artsy euro shit” then it was like *RECORD SCRATCH* welcome to americu
R: She’s so odd
R: The Woman is unbelievable and stunning and stomach curdlingly enthralling
R: The dad was the ultimate trump-type evisceration
R: Range Rover, guns, etc
R: “Family man” aka gaybasher / womanhater / supremacist
R: LUCKY MCKEE IS AN ALLY
K: oh it was soooooo now
K: also it was “so bad” (ie, graphic) that bobby had to leave
K: he was like “i cant watch this” and left
R: It was prescient
R: YES ITS GGGORY
K: he made it to like the nipple twisting
K: and was like “okay bye”
K: i honestly didnt think it was that bad!
R: Oh and that’s like not even it yet
K: right?! i was like, “well guess that was good he left”
R: Ok how horrible and campy was the teacher actress!!!!
R: And, on the opposite end, I love the daughter LAUREN ASHLEY something
K: they were like cast for a porn but they were in THE WOMAN!!!!!
K: there was a lot of porn acting
K: the daughter was directed by just being told, “you’re a doe! the doe is scared! don’t run into the fence!”
K: also i loved / hated / loved how it became that twisted male v. female within the context of FAMILY
K: PHANTOM MENACE
K: that was great
K: the whole wife beating scene in the kitchen was just so good
K: from that point on it was like EEEEEEEEE
K: i mean it was all bad
R: It was an assault on the viewer
R: No the movie is great
K: but thats when it turned direct
R: It was so just intense
K: i mean “bad” as in “this is bad if it were real life”
R: Exposing corruptnessssssss
R: Yes thank you
K: it was good minus the porn acting!
R: POLLYANNA MACKINTOSH
R: Yeah well
R: That’s every lucky McKee movie
R: All his movies are so original but
R: still feel amateur 😭
K: i mean i turned off the cheerleader movie after ten minutes
R: Except the woman was the first one I was like THIS IS A BIG STEP
K: i feel like his movies are REAL easy to check out from
R: Ok cheerleaders wasn’t his fault
R: Do you know who co-made that movie
K: also had you not told me “stick with it!” i would have checked out
R: Do you
K: no tell me!
R: So there you GO. Not Lucky’s FAULT.
K: oh my god i did not know that
R: It’s sad
K: which reminds me: did you even see that? i did not.
R: I KNOW WHO KILLED ME IS
R: THE SHOWGIRLS OF HORROR.
R: Not an exaggeration whatsoever
R: It’s one of my ALLTIME favorite bad classics
R: You will be howling laughing
R: When you ensure its sadness
R: Yeah it’s that big
K: i need to watch
K: maybe for next year’s feardotcum
R: It’s one my extra credits for THIS YEARS STILL RUNNING FEARDOTCUM!!!
R: Like this week probs
R: Anyway Lucky’s best movie is MAY which is so so funny and small and successful and demented – with creepy crawly Angela Bettis (Carrie 2002) and ANNA FARIS & JEREMY SISTO
K: WHAT hahahahahaha
K: i didnt realize they were in that but its been “on my list”
R: It is a ggggreat halloween filum
K: okay good to know
R: Explicitly gay too
R: GAY KYLE
R: WRITE GAYER. GAY WRITER.
K: ME. ME-ER.
K: okay i have to see
K: is it as gay as THE WOMAN’s ENDING
R: WITH THE NUCLEAR FAMILY!!!
R: Into the woods we go, queer family
R: Happy monsters
K: queer FURRY family
K: don’t leave out that identity
R: Hairy muddy
K: yeah that whole “dog” twist was entirely unanticipated
K: it wasnt the shock of the century but it was one of those “wait HUH WHAT HUH”
R: Made it even crazier
K: required more processing of “what the fuck is happening here” mostly
K: followed by Feast Of Mom Face
K: and sawing the little boy in half
K: which was great
R: ~* I love The Woman for everything it is *~
R: ~* It is shocking art *~
K: it was good
R: ~* Beyond horror *~
K: way better than anticipated
R: ~* Beyond borders *~
K: ~* Anthony Bourdain *~
R: ~* #imwiththewoman *~
R: What if my write-in candidate was lucky mckee
R: JK EVERYONE VOTE FOR HILLARY NO JOKES ABOUT T
K: hillary would be furious with you
K: she would be SO MAD
R: Which is why id never
R: This is no laughing matter
K: if you did that hillary would become THE WOMAN
K: and chop you in half
R: Jill Stein is actually The Woman
R: And hillary is us
K: okay stop that is so true stop
K: Jill “The Woman” Stein
R: EW HAHAHAAHHA
K: it’s so green party to have a lesbian dog friend
The Devil’s Backbone is about a bomb and a school and a wet boy who drowned in Spain and there is, like, a really hot guy with a sex scene where you basically see his pubes and you want to see more but you don’t. There are also subtitles because it is in Spanish.
K: anyway devil’s backbone
R: I have nothing to say…
R: I’m not kidding
K: i literally have nothing either
R: AHAHHAAH ok
K: like soggy boy, flies, HOT ELI ROTH
K: the end
K: kept nodding off because of subtitles
K: the end