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FeardotCum, Week Four: Tourist Trap, Life After Beth, & The Conjuring 2

FeardotCum is a series of pre-Halloween posts where myself and my friend Ross explore our mutual love of horror films and gayness. Each week, we will watch three horror movies and discuss via text. These are our thoughts.

This week we tour the good, the bad, and the Hollywood. But which is which? You’ll never know until you start playing with our FeardotCum.

Spoilers ahead, of course. Read last week’s entry here.

Tourist Trap is a bizarre camp gem that not many people have seen or talked about that follows a group of road trippers who, after a series of unfortunate car troubles, end up wandering to roadside attractions that happen to be deadly. What happens next is gay.

R: Tourist Trap ABSOLUTE NEW CAMP CLASSIC w an incredibly gay opening shot, opening 10 mins, and final shot (to really name just a few).
K: so tourist trap is CLASSIC and a new fave of mine
R: We’re lucky to have a new camp classic
R: Tell us Kyle why you hadn’t seen it yet
R: Cuz I hadn’t either
K: HOW WHY HOW
K: like
K: Ross you know my favorite genre or horror
R: K
K: DOLLS
R: Yab
K: its the gayest
K: and this was DOLLS
K: it was so gay
K: It was about manipulating and projecting yourself into straight people
K: I LOVE it
K: ridiculous and so many “yeah, you died…?” scenes gone away
K: it was ridiculous
K: Plus MOLLY
K: WATER MOCCASINS
R: FINAL SHOT
R: SMILING WHILE DRIVING A CONVERTIBLE
R: WITH ALL 4 OF YOUR FRIENDS
R: AS MANNEQUINS
K: MANIACAL SMILING
R: IVE NEVER LAUGHED HARDER
K: “AM I CRAZY OR NOT???”
R: WHY WAS SHE SMILING
R: SHE WASNT
K: i loved it
R: IT WAS JUST BAD DIRECTION
R: It was all perfect
R: It was so fun
K: Hence: perfect.
K: Yes
K: Which is a note i have
R: Ok the swimming scene
K: That is RARE
K: for now-horror
R: The man/killer just watching ugh
K: The inexplicable FUN
K: the inexplicable HORROR
R: PUPPETS LAUGHING.
K: like the entire “my brother!” bit is that
K: SINGING
R: GIGGLING
K: PRAISING
R: HARMONIZING
R: VOCALIZING
K: like the movie is deeper than it should be
R: BOHAHAHHAHAHAH
R: WHAAAAAAY
R: T
K: I was in GLEE the entire time
R: Me too
K: Its just absurd
R: Yes
K: From top to bottom
R: Bottom
K: And that says something
K: Mollys white bottom
R: Confession –
R: I could not tell who was the final girl until 30 mins into it
R: Like these characters
R: Were a jumble
K: i knew it was Molly
K: BUT
R: Until I squinted and realized one was blonde and polite
R: ^ k see my TEXT
K: I thought the twist was they were all dolls
K: and i was MAD and NOT
K: okay you know what
K: for that reason before molly it reminded me of my top ten bizarro faves
K: April Fools Day
K: Just so absurd and ridiculous
K: And so maddening yet not
R: But April fools day is actually good
K: It felt “the same”
K: okay true
R: Tourist trap is awful-good
K: Righr right right
K: but they seemed related
K: It was like Slaughter High but less complicated
K: That was another thing
K: The movie STARTED and WENT
R: YES
K: it just went and happened
R: STARTED SO FAST
K: a rarity
R: GIGGLING MANNEQUINS RIGHT AWAY
K: no faking
R: KYLE DO YOU REMEMBER THE FIRST SHOT?
K: YES
R: ITS INPORTANT
R: K DESCRIBE IF SO
K: the man rolling a tire topless
K: lots of that
K: it just started gay and didnt stop
R: Started gay
R: His abs and bulge
R: Killed me
K: started HOT
R: In the hot desert sunlight
K: it was hot
R: Yep
K: I could have licked it all
K: I did lick it all
K: I licked myself
R: Judge Judy
K: life-after-beth-anna-kendrick-aubrey-plaza-gary-marshall-horror-zombie-1234kyle5678-judge-judy

Life After Beth is a pseudo-art house horror movie that is neither and ultimately a romping around for Aubrey Plaza to be Aubrey Plaza. Pending your thoughts on her, you will have different thoughts on the movie, as we find out with our first divided review.

R: YOU CAN TEXT ALL YOUR BETH NOTES
R: IF THEYRE ALL ABOUT “THE UNDEAD GENRE” LIKE GO FOR IT
R: BUT ALSO I LIKE BLOCKED THAT PART OUT
K: beth i really, really didnt like and was a misuse of talent and i have LOTS of notes
R: I WAS JUST REWATCHING FOR AUBREYS MONSTROUS ACTING like no holds barred
R: AND MOLLY AND ANNA GR8
R: !!
K: my notes are just blood overflowing from a goblet
K: like it could have been GREAT but just seemed so masturbatory
K: Granted the FALL DOWN HILL WITH WASHING MACHINE scene was worth it
R: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
R: KYLE, AS I WATCHED,
R: I said to myself,
R: EVEN IF KYLE HATES ALL OF IT HE WILL LOOOOOVE AUBREY GETTING SHOT IN THE HEAD AND TUMBLING DOWN A CANYON WITH A STOVE STRAPPED TO HER BACK
R: THATLL BE IT
K: you know
K: It was ONLY the realistic leg popping off, jiggling aside Bronson Canyon, that warmed my soul.
K: The TUMBLE was so satisfying.
R: YES
R: ITS A GGGGREAT CONCLUSION
K: It was just such a ten minute film waiting for that.
R: What did you think of Molly Shannon my queen????????
K: UNDERSERVED
K: ALL OF THEM
R: NO SHE GAVE IT A GOOD AMOUNT
K: UNDERSERVED
K: she did
R: LOOK AT MY EMAILED SCREENCAPS
R: SHE YELLS
K: But APP OF THEM
K: ALL TOO
R: “DONT CALL HER A ZOMBIE”
R: Oh now they’re apps Kyle
K: okay yes
R: What is this scr4am
K: apps
R: Scre4n
R: *m
K: Molly was good but JOHN C and CHERYL and PAUL (????????) were so 🙄
K: and matthew GG: i was offended he had my name
K: It was so like insider art project gone awry.
R: I loved Matthew gray gubler
R: I loved Cheryl doing nothing
K: anyway
K: BETH
K: it just felt so transitional
R: What does that fucking mean
K: AND the stat bro was NOT CUTE
R: STAT BRO WHATS THAT
R: THE SOLDIER BRO?
K: like not active and so much like scenes without a greater end
K: STAR BRO
K: THE ALIEN WANNABE “HOTTIE”
K: hated him most
R: 😭😭😭😭 Kyle are we discussing the same motion pic
K: Aubrey was TRYING
R: There were no aliens
R: Plz correct me
R: I mean in any case it’s a movie
R: AUBREY DID A LOT
K: life-after-beth-anna-kendrick-aubrey-plaza-gary-marshall-horror-zombie-1234kyle5678-2
K: Uh
K: He is an alien.
R: You mean
K: Alien Nation
R: Dane DeHaan
R: ASSHOLIAN
K: a HINT of hot
K: i was mad
R: I love him.
K: He was a whine not a suggestion of cute
R: 🔪
K: granted not my type
K: ZERO redeeming value four mii
K: all i thought was
K: 👹
R: 🙁
R: He’s an actor
K: not a good one!
R: LETS TALK ABOUT ANNA
K: he’s a yeller!
R: LETS TALK ABOUT ANNA
R: LETS TALK ABOUT ANNA
R: SHe played a JAP reeeeally well
R: This was not the usual Anna
K: i hate her but she was the bright spot to me
R: This was an Anna who very much understood the jap role
K: The parking lot struggle scene was great
K: Yes
R: hahahaha
R: Aubrey yelling at her
K: Yes zact
R: Hurting her!!!
K: But like “jAzZerCiSe” was so non-comedy people trying to be funny
K: Which was my overall note
K: A24
K: Zoetrope
K: GET TO THE FUNNY
K: it was so coy about getting to the point i was so mad
K: And WHITE
K: just felt insulated ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
R: I just found me the worst photo of them – speaking of white…
R: life-after-beth-anna-kendrick-aubrey-plaza-gary-marshall-horror-zombie-1234kyle5678-1
K: “Hi we went to high school”
R: HAHA
K: “Have you herd of starbucks”
R: HAHAHA
K: but like that is them
R: No
K: It takes a LOT to make THEM be NOT THAT
R: Aubrey is GRUMPY CAT a very commercial figure
K: (Granted TO ME)
R: Anna is PITCH PERFEFT
R: A very commercial figure
K: 🙅‍♂️🙅🙅‍♂️🙅🙅‍♂️🙅🙅‍♂️🙅
R: 🔪🔪🔪🔪
K: all of that is a foreign language
R: Yes
K: like i am “idgi” about them
R: Garry Marshall was in life after Beth
R: Final role???
K: fair enough
K: okay of note for that
K: but it was “WHINEY MAN WHINES (also beth)”
K: imagine if jason schwatzman was that alien boy
K: so much better already
R: NO
R: 🔪
K: it wanted that!
K: casting that guy seemed like a favor
R: Dane is worth something
R: Did you not see
R: Kill Your Darlings
K: nope and never
R: GREAT
R: THERE WE GO
K: what does that mean outside of a yearbook quote
R: It means
R: Suck my
R: ^ oh that was the end of my phrase
K: ANYWAY

The Conjuring 2 is the sequel to the fantastic The Conjuring that sees the real life exorcist / ghost hunting couple of Patrick “My Husband” Wilson and Vera Farmiga acting in a horror movie again for some reason.

K: we also didn’t talk about CONJURING 2
K: or did we? i dont remember
R: the-conjuring-2-james-wan-jason-blum-blumhouse-vera-farmiga-patrick-wilson-frances-oconnor-evil-nun-satan-devil-priest-demon-1234kyle5678-1
K: first off, why wasnt Frances O’Connor Sally Hawkins? second, was this movie ACTUALLY about the possessed daughter maybe being a lesbian and chasing “that” demon out of her?
R: NO
R: It was about the old ghost man yelling at everyone cuz his lover Marvin died before he did.
R: It’s very WHERE THE RED FERN GROWS.
R: I don’t know which to choose – this movie’s old man ghost or the insidious movies’ shrieking mom ghosts
R: We’re just out of original ghosts anymore. They don’t have good back stories and they just yell
R: My fav will always be SADAKO aka SAMARA aka YOURS TRULY
K: oh my god you ARE sadako
K: also yes you’re right i didnt actually “conenct” that agape, open-mouthed-ghost trope
K: which is fairly boring
K: also not enough of PATRICK
K: and, to that, it was more of an action movie than a horror movie ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
K: it went full hollywood
K: (not that it was ever anything else)
R: It went fullllllllll possession
R: Unlike conjuring 1 which was just lili taylor possessed for 3 minutes at the end
R: It was … The Exorcist
R: Im surprised how Exorcisty it let itself get
K: you know that was the only movie of them all that last week that i watched top to bottom without stopping yet the only movie i cannot remember a thing from
K: yes
K: also, like, the stop-motion Crooked Man.
R: HHAHAHAHAHAHA
K: what movie was that from?
R: THE ONLY OEN YOU CANT REMEMMBER A THING FROM
K: i like LOVED it and HATED it
K: it was SO KOOKY
R: blegh
K: Jason Blum let me down man
R: Patrick was huge:
R: the-conjuring-2-james-wan-jason-blum-blumhouse-vera-farmiga-patrick-wilson-frances-oconnor-evil-nun-satan-devil-priest-demon-1234kyle5678-4
R: Physically enormous
K: i want to eat him
K: i want to be his sweater
K: a sentient sweater
R: you are one
K: where i use my draw string hands to go into his mouth and play with his tongue
K: i love him you dont understand
R: ew ew ew yes
R: i do
R: i do too
R: every porn i watch could easily be replaced with him jackhammering a dude
R: he’s a SeanCody star
K: ugh i WISH
K: why cant Julian Assange hack his email
K: and send me his nudes
K: he’s a major musical theatre kid
K: he has had a queer experience
R: STOP just by saying his name you’ve called him
R: yes patrick has had queer experiences
K: also can we talk about how he had an entire singing scene
R: One of them being Phantom of the Opera (2004) – just by being in that movie he’s had gay sex
K: which reminded me that he sang with BARBARA
R: YEP THE GUITAR MONTAGE
R: SO WEIRD AND NICE SORTA
K: yes
K: it was mostly like when Anne Hathaway sings to remind you “I can sing! Hire me TO SING!”
K: i thought it was silly but i didnt hate it (because patrick)
K: vera felt kind of pathetic and exhausted this movie though
R: her dreams!!!
K: i mean yes
K: vera far me gaaaaa
K: and that whole “I PUT IT TOGETHER!!!” on the train bit was just LOL
K: i just wanted a movie of her versus the nun
K: leave that dumb family out of it
R: the-conjuring-2-james-wan-jason-blum-blumhouse-vera-farmiga-patrick-wilson-frances-oconnor-evil-nun-satan-devil-priest-demon-1234kyle5678-6
K: this was actually the best scene in the movie no?
R: no this was cuz arms:
R: the-conjuring-2-james-wan-jason-blum-blumhouse-vera-farmiga-patrick-wilson-frances-oconnor-evil-nun-satan-devil-priest-demon-1234kyle5678-5
R: O, TO BE THAT TIGHT MUSCLE TEE
K: god the mutton chops
K: but yes
R: FRANKE POTENTE!!!!!!!
R: the-conjuring-2-james-wan-jason-blum-blumhouse-vera-farmiga-patrick-wilson-frances-oconnor-evil-nun-satan-devil-priest-demon-1234kyle5678-3
K: yes
K: although i felt like she didnt get a proper introduction and i kept being like “who is this skeptic character? why she here?”
R: exactly
R: the movie was a little remooooved
R: and also nothing happened to her!!!
K: nothing happened to most people
R: hhahahaha
K: it was like “SO MUCH IS HAPPENING!! wait nothing is lol”
K: it felt distracted
K: it all felt like the basement: full of water, flat, mysterious, but ultimately problematic
R: Feces
R: the-conjuring-2-james-wan-jason-blum-blumhouse-vera-farmiga-patrick-wilson-frances-oconnor-evil-nun-satan-devil-priest-demon-1234kyle5678-2
K: the movie, in a nutshell

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