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FeardotCum, Week One: Stigmata & Beware The Slenderman

FeardotCum is a series of pre-Halloween posts where myself and my friend Ross explore our mutual love of horror films and gayness. Each week, we will watch three horror movies and discuss via email and text. These are our thoughts.

In the hopes of balancing our work / horror life balance, we started this year’s horror campaign a lot earlier with fewer films. We also emailed these conversations, done in more general thoughts instead of a strict conversation. We’re working on what works best for our mind melding.

First, the 1999 Catholic fright fest Stigmata starring Academy Award winner Patricia Arquette in what might be her worst role ever.

Kyle’s Initial Thoughts
• Brazil! And such a nineties drama opening
• Was this from a period where gabriel bryne was supposed to be sexy??
• Omg this hardcore music this is like that psa for not stealing movies online
• My video had awful subtitles that were actually only visible from the top half of the letters
• This is the most 1999 movie I could have seen vitamin c in this
• Music by billy corgan!!!!
• Ve neil from face off!!
• Directed blank check too
• What is this art deco amazing bedroom in DTLA
• “Hold on im going to change phones”
• There’s an amazing simplicity to her life with the phones and stuff
• Nia long’s awful wig!!!
• This is that shitty SF that is vague blade runner but actually the nineties
• The way Gabriel says “cornerstone”
• The music is so pre ZWAN
• Would patty arquette in stigmata circa 2017 go to the dtla ace on block south of her?
• Bed scene: wanted them to dyke out. Why did this kor happen.
• I cannot believe they got to license to Bjork’s “all is full of love” (ED NOTE: would you look at this fan film dedicated to just that?)
• This is a very catholic nyc in LA
• I love that this is basically catechism as horror. No wonder my parents barred me from seeing this since they thought i’d michael stipe lose my religion
• I fell asleep after the baby hair salon madness scene and resumed on sunday morning. So…CHURCH???
• i do not enjoy the sexual tension between gabby and patty. I appreciated it more between patty and niatty.
• The photographer from just shoot me is a priest with no real lines!
• So patty’s posession is equivalent to a walking flu if reagan from exorcist is full-on flu?
• Why is no one talking about the fucking mom whose white lady vaycay life brought this upon them all
• So many doves
• I hate birds inside
• So patty became powder

Ross’ Initial Thoughts
IM SHOCKED BY HOW FUCKING FUNNY THIS TURNED OUT TO BE!!! I thought it would be bad-bad, like “the bleak light first film of our series,” but it was HILARIOUS-BAD! Every shot, every moment, every actor and line and set piece had me cracking up!!! I can’t believe how extreme and MTV/1999 it was every second. It felt like … The Exorcist directed by The Wachowskis. aka TERRIBLE!!!

God I enjoyed this. Nia so campy. Portia so campy AND HAD WHITE DREADLOCKS. THEY WERE ALL STYLISTS, KYLE. STYLISTS DEALING WITH A DEMON NECKLACE. WE COULDNT HAVE WRITTEN IT BETTER OURSELVES. it is soososoosso bad. The sudden jumps to slashings??? In the rave. In the subway. It was so cruel to Patricia. It’s the worst movie she’s ever done. How could she say yes to this. Also she may have already started to film Boyhood by now – fun fact. End of story, totally agree with you, some vacationing mom started all this possession shit. This is a new ’90s camp horror classic.

Kyle’s Return Comment
i hope someone at some point forces patty to sit down and watch this movie because i wonder what her thoughts on this film is at this point are. like, is she proud? she’s not like disowning it because she wasn’t AWFUL but the movie is just so shockingly ????? that im just lost as to how this got made…? it really is a product of the awful late nineties but really is flat because…it’s not a teen film. was it supposed to be? if rebecca gayheart was the lead, would this have been better??????

good call with the wachowskis they should remake this (or was that just bound)

i too thought about that: she must have just started boyhood. what the fuck did they talk about on the boyhood set? “wow patty stigmata looks SCARY JK why did you do that thank god this movie is coming out in literally over a decade”
the “white dreadlocked hair stylists fight demons” is as nineties as it gets.

Enjoy Stigmata at your own risk, fam.

Onward to true horror: the 2016 documentary Beware The Slenderman about the real life attack of a teen girl by teen girls under the influence of Internet horror “icon,” Slenderman.

Kyle’s Initial Thoughts
– this was not scary tbh
– granted…i read the ny mag story on this years ago and am actually using elements (or at least inspiration) of the happenings for my novel ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i love innocent murderous TEENZ
– i feel like these parents are too young to parents? Am i showing my age?
– is the dad suburban hot or do i need my dick recalibrated
– i hte the term “creepypasta” because it makes me want to eat pasta
– do you think slenderman is scary? Because i dont. I’m surprised.
– the internet is terrible because it is just high school under magnifying glass: lies and folklore colliding into DRAMA that fucks up the rest of your life
– so…are the girls legit insane? Reading their story and seeing photos made me think, no, they knew what they were doing. But seeing the videos? They LOST IT. Poor bbs
– the shitzophrenia lede getting buried is huge!!!!!
– how did this filmaker get so much unfiltered access so soon?
– i wish this movie were mommie dead and dearest AND IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THAT STOP AND WATCH RIGHT NOW
– i’m mad they bulldozed the park
– the brunette will never not be prisoned, the other will be free
– teens are weird and dumb and not human, mostly

Ross’ Initial Thoughts
Yes it wasn’t scary. And yes, he isn’t scary. But the mood and the cinematography got to me… It was gorgeously filmed, in the most painful way. Like so bleak. Those girls… That public park bathroom… Awful. Horrifying. Fascinating. A MEME DID THIS. Memes caused the election, and memes caused this incident. We must NEVER use the internet but omg look we’re emailing about movies via the net… It was overlong. The first half got me. I was tremblin. I like the explanation of horror memes but yes not scary-scary. But happy we watched it! I believe. It was an *education* – I didn’t read about it when it happened so this was ittt.

Kyle’s Return Comment
it really was well made! but, yes, so bleak. can “horror” docs really scare though? they mostly just depress. the nightmare was supposed to be ScArY but i mostly just wondered if i could try out sleep paralysis. (didnt happen ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ )

this was not a net loss, no, but we did learn that the internet is truly evil. it is a chaos emerald.

as they say: FEAR DOT CUM.

So, if you like true crime, you’ll like this Slenderman doc. But is it scary? Not in a horror way, no.

Because we’re doing briefer movie watches, we’re instituting a series of extra credit viewings, if we have the time. Here’s what we unearthed.

Ross’ Extra Credit
Poison Ivy wasn’t streaming goddamn anywhere so i had to settle for T H E B A B Y S I T T E R. Kyle, really, The Babysitter was one of the worst movies I’ve suffered. It’s so bland, you’re in pain. It’s hardly funny bad (except for these continuous “dream sequence” which lost humor after how repetitive they are). The whole thing ended up being a PSA telling you to “not have fantasies” just in general. “Don’t have a fantasy or you’ll hit someone with you car.” (Someone got hit by a car.)

Kyle’s Extra Credit
im so mad i didn’t watch this movie and im sorry you watched it but also THANK YOU. were there no hot dudes in it? if not, that is truly a flop in all departments then i feel like next year we should keep this going but watch an alicia silverstone aerosmith music video? or episodes of Miss Match? for my extra credit, i watched THE BIG SICK. surprisingly, it was not a horror movie. oh i also watched HEART OF A DOG which was so poorly made it could be a horror movie but was just one of the most tender movies of an old lady talking in a zen way about dogs and death that, yes, i did shed a tear.

See you next week, my little FeardotCummies!

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