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FeardotCum, Week One: The Crush, Office Killer, & The Gift

FeardotCum is a series of pre-Halloween posts where myself and my friend Ross explore our mutual love of horror films and gayness. Each week, we will watch three horror movies and discuss via text. These are our thoughts.

This week, we dive into a young Alicia Silverstone in a movie that makes young lust extremely problematic, a horror “art film” that is both brilliant and banal, and a Blumhouse gift that neither of us expected to be as good as it is.

Spoilers ahead, of course.

The Crush tells the story of an unknowingly sexy magazine journalist (Cary Elwes) who moves into the back house of some rich people whose precocious yet attractive teenage daughter (Alicia Silverstone, in her debut role) tries to seduce the journalist which leads to all sorts of bad, stalkery things.

K: poor cheyenne
R: HAHAHAHAHA
R: WE BOTH WATCHED IT LAST NIGHT
R: WE ARE SO GOOD
K: WE ARE SO GOOD
K: cheyenne, barb before barb
R: WHY DID WE BOTH CHOOSE THAT MOVIE AS OUR FIRST, AND WHY BOTH LAST NIGHT.
R: Quile that is insane
K: that is insane
K: was it first on the list? it was the easiest for me to rip ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
R: cheyenne was hysterical TARA FROM BUFFY
R: Yeh I tink
K: !!!!!!!! buffy!!!!!!!
R: This movie was DISGUSTING
R: From the moment his car almost hit her in the opening credits scene, the way she looked at him and the camera followed her butt
R: I was screaming EW EW EW EW EW EW!!!
K: honestly, stressed me out
R: SAME
K: the whole movie STRESS
R: GROSS AND SAD
R: Like what producers said “yes”
K: but cary elwes damn what a babe
R: “let’s give money to this GROSS PORNNNN”
R: He was beautiful. For us
R: And that shower scene of him 😱
R: alicia-silverstone-the-crush-cary-elwes-horror-1234kyle5678-3
K: and then he came out dressed like a female 1990s art teacher i was MAD
R: hahahahahahahahah
R: it took him 3 seconds to change into his 90s female art teacher clothes aka Miss Lippy
K: yes YES
K: also the other best part was the fight double for alicia silverstone who looked like the Pigeon Woman but skinny from Home Alone 2
K: in a BAD wig
K: and VERY dirty looking
R: HAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
R: AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA
K: there was a lot of VERY dirty looking moments
R: HAHAHAHA
R: alicia-silverstone-the-crush-cary-elwes-horror-1234kyle5678-5
K: the lip curl STRESS
R: Dissssgggguuusting
K: did steven tyler watch that and jack off
K: this was her FIRST movie
R: Ew ew ew ew right
R: I don’t know if this came before her “music video fame”
K: interesting probably she was “matured” by then
R: Anything alicia is in other than clueless is white noise
R: Clueless is SO iconic that anything else with her (in the few years she was notable) are just white noise
R: AKA THE CRUSH
K: but wasnt the movie a minor hit? or something?
R: I gue$$$$$$
K: it’s not as much white noise as NBC’s Miss Match but it is noise nevertheless
K: UNCOMFORTABLE noise
R: MISS MATCH
R: There’s THIS and THE BABYSITTER which i also included on our list but it seemed way too D-List
R: And then clueless, and then garbage like EXCESS BAGGAGE
K: i feel like if that movie were remade it would be BANNED
K: oh god that movie how could i forget
R: THIS WAS A REMAKE OF LOLITA – AND A BAD ONE
K: BAD ONE
R: BAD ONE.
R: title of blog post
R: I can’t tell you how proud I am of us that we both started the same night with the same one film – BLESS THIS CALENDAR [#FAGTOBER]
K: yeah it was a fortunate synergy of cancelled dinner plans and bobby being late at work that enabled it IT IS A SIGN
R: AND FOR ME: JUST LOSING SLEEP
R: TO SEE ALICIA after i anticipated watching this for years
K: i thought i watched it before but definitely not but WORTH IT
K: did it live up to the cover at? NO but worth it
K: poor cheyenne
R: “sultry piano outfit”
R: alicia-silverstone-the-crush-cary-elwes-horror-1234kyle5678-1
R: “sultry piano outfit”
K: that was 100% the most bizarre scene
K: that was like Goldie Hawn in Death Becomes Her drag it was WEIRD
R: alicia-silverstone-the-crush-cary-elwes-horror-1234kyle5678-2
R: “smile at piano”
K: “smell piano”
R: hahehahehahehaeaeh
R: UGH
R: UGH

Office Killer is about a struggling magazine who, after some layoffs, loses staff for mysterious reasons. Carol Kane stars as a brilliant killer and it’s directed by Cindy Fucking Sherman, the artist, and features additional dialogue from Todd Fucking Haynes.

K: cindy-sherman-carol-kane-office-killer-1234kyle5678-2
K: ADDITIONAL DIALOGUE BY TODD FUCKING HAYNES???????
K: i am VERY mixed about Office Killer
R: You can be!
K: It needed more CINDY
R: I think KILLER FILMS and CHRISTINE VACHON told her it needed to be less Cindy
R: So it would be remotely marketable
K: also carol kane as a killer is GENIUS but i feel it was misguided ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
R: So they brought in HAYNES
K: okay fine but CINDY
R: I think it’s a completely self aware b-movie packed with commentary on “womyn in the workplace”
R: Seriously
R: However
K: fair, fair
R: It’s also poorly budgeted
R: Like
R: Some shots and audio were awful
K: true but i didnt even notice that
R: They didn’t use their $50K well…
K: I just wanted better COSTUMING or something remotely CINDY
R: HAHAHAH
K: still for Art Horror it was better than Hashtag Horror
R: You didn’t love Jeanne and Molly’s horrible hair and pantsuits?
R: JEANNE kyle JEANNE
K: cindy-sherman-office-killer-todd-haynes-carol-kayne-halloween-1234kyle5678-1
K: i loved when jeanne did this
R: She got an “and” credit!!! She was not a cameo
K: office-killer-cindy-sherman-1234kyle5678-halloween
K: also was this not a cock on a clock
R: I love when Carol Kane scotch taped Michael imperioli‘s guts
K: YES
R: Also Michael was so hot let’s be real
K: that was genius
K: he was but smelly
R: HAHAHAHAH
K: I also love that they cast half of Too Wong Foo’s small town women
R: Did you notice they spelled Doreen “DORINE” ugh
R: Also dorine’s MOM
K: Literally old and young mom were both hot off of To Wong Foo
R: THAT MOM KYLE
K: I DID
R: SHE WAS SO MEAN AND SAD
K: DOOR INE
R: Awful
R: I’m shrieking
R: The ending was funny too like
K: i was mad at that
R: SHES OFF TO JOIN YOUR OFFICE!!!!
R: But i looooooved her hair at the end
K: i love that the lesson was “office working sucks! Ps i’ll kill you ¯\_(ツ)_/¯”
R: She BECAME cindy
R: Yeah
K: the look was iconic
R: Weird
R: Yes
K: see thats what i wanted the whole time
K: Like i wanted cindy to be EVERYONE
R: You are going insane
R: Also iconic: JEANNE – “maybe we should get manicures!”
R: (Wrench to head)
R: The stairwell and parking garage were wonderful
K: as was the homeless extra who got paid
K: also the knife banging on the washer and drier was an INSPIRED CHOICE
R: SSSSSSSO WEIRD
R: And then his beeper going off
R: And he’s dedd
K: yes
K: That scene was GREAT but also ACTING CLASS
K: carol kane as a killer is GREAT but MISDIRECTED

The Gift is about a couple (Jason Bateman and Rebecca Hall) who are stalked by the husband’s childhood friend (Joel Edgerton), which turns out to be not exactly what you think.

R: Ok THE GIFTTTTTTT was a fucking gift, I think it was a tad too long somewhere in the middle but overall GORGEOUSLY DIRECTED and very well acted like a nervous drama
R: The script’s secrets were skincrawling
R: The ending really had me
K: MY GOD THE GIFT
R: I’m so so so glad it was on our LYST
K: i was IMPRESSED
R: ME TOO
R: JOEL 👏👏👏👏👏
K: it shouldnt have been that good!!!
R: I heard it was
R: It got incredible reviews
R: So i was like
R: QUILE
R: LIST
K: Jason Blum man
R: Was shocked he produced it
R: But then it made sense
K: RIGHT??
K: I had no idea
R: Huge stars paid little in a very non-effects movie
K: Also perfect castinng
R: REBECCA
R: REBECCA
R: REBECCA
R: EXCELLENT
R: This prepared us for her performance in CHRISTINE next month…..
R: Which I cantttttttt. Wwwwwait. For
K: but she looked like tom cavanaugh
K: i was SOOOO DISTRACTED
R: Hahahahahahahahahaha I see it
R: He’s hot
R: Yeah her hair sucked
R: Big time
R: You were the dog that came back. The camera peered into its old man soul.
R: It scared me so much
K: that movie was just so fucked up
R: Yes
K: JANGLES
R: MR BO
K: like the ending was 😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱
K: also secret QUEER FILM
R: THE TITLE GOT A WHOLE NEW MEANING!!!!
K: gay panic
K: yes
R: Oh I knew that 😉
K: YES
R: I read that there was like
K: i had no clue and was like WHHHHAAAAATTTR
R: “A fucked up gay lie”
R: In it
R: But didn’t know what
R: Ugh it was all so sad
R: His dad tried to kill him etc
R: HOLLYWOOD ACTION STAR JOEL EDGERTON WROTE THAT SCRIPT where did it come from
K: I mean it WORKED because it was a story that could be so real
R: Yes
K: RIGHT!!!!
K: Wrote and directed and STARRED
R: A lot
R: And for no budget
K: like ????????
K: A triumph.
K: I was like “how did this happen”
K: I mean i wanted to see it
K: But wasnt expecting THAT
R: Ok it reminded me a lot of The Invitation in parts, like California, rich white people, several party scenes, wine glasses, windows breaking, fucked up secrets
K: YES ME TOO
R: California California more California
R: GOOD
K: it was like the invitation as life
R: HAHAHA
R: “TRU INVITE”
K: Where you now have to raise your fake child
K: do you tell your wife??
R: Rebecca and that baby…..
R: No he’s like
R: Banned from seeing her
R: Forever
R: I hope
R: Good for JASON playing a three-dimensional sad evil man
R: This and The Family Fang (yes I saw it)
K: oh my god
K: but yes good and i hate hime anyway so it was easy to hate watch
R: But he’s genuinely good on the first 3 seasons of arrested development 😭😭😭😭
R: But yes NOW he’s mostly garbage
R: Identity Thief and Jennifer aniston movies and so on
R: Kyle there were two actresses in this film who have camp value BUSY PHILLIPS (ugh) and SUSAN MAY PRATT (!!!!!!!)
R: I screamed when I saw both
K: BUSY!!!! I know right me too.
K: I was like HOW YOU HERE
R: IT WAS
R: GROSS
R: THIS WAS TOO GOOD FOR HER
R: Ok when Joel invites them to his “house” – incredible scene
R: Rebecca hangs back to hear Jason reject him
R: Jason’s like REBECCA I SEE YOU HIDING PLEASE GO TO THE CAR
K: just so good
K: And then returning back all MAD and then “you crazy who gordo”
R: Let bygones be bygones.
K: ugh he was such a scum
K: “What does it mean, bygones?”
K: “STOP TAKING PILLS!!”
K: The end
R: Yes
R: Go running
R: Have a montage
R: Get pregnant
R: Time head
R: *heals
R: Ok there one moment – only one – that was truly awful and made me furious I think it made you mad too…… Do you know which moment I mean… So dumb….
R: *there was one moment
K: HMMM
K: The gatorade sponsorship?
R: That was funny
R: I’m talking about –
R: THE SHOWER JUMP SCARE.
R: Pretty clearly a studio note, “we need one more scary moment!!! Throw in a jump scare!!”
K: okay yes that was DUMB
K: i wasnt that annoyed with that but i can see it
R: OUT OF PLACE
R: I was like who edited that in there from another Blumhouse poop
K: that was a blumhouse moment yes
K: but it was sooooooo goooood otherwise
R: Absolutely
R: Basically flawless
R: Which is unheard of
R: It was so quiet and wonderful
R: With moments of welcome insanity
R: Joel was the saddest character, in the best way
R: WE DID WEEK ONEEEEEEEEE
R: SUCH A RANGE QUILE
R: I LOVE GAY
K: WE DID GOOD!!
K: I’m proud of us
K: And i cannot think of a more tragic character than joel
K: It really is like some classic tragedy shit THE GIFT
R: THE TRAGEDY SHIT GIFT
R: We did it
R: I’m proud of you
R: Im proud of me
R: I also realize week 2 is ALL BAD MOVIES part of me wants to change it part of me doesn’t what do you think
K: proud of WE
K: I say we keep it just to remember how something like THE GIFT is A GIFT
K: for context
R: WELL I KNEW THIS WASNT GUNNA B BAD
R: The upcoming 3 we *know* are all shit
R: We’ll keep it
R: It’ll be the only week with all bads just cuz of our number of bads we had to fit them somewhere
R: #badresearch
K: okay good but also they’ll be lessons
K: We will LEARN from it
R: 🤓
R: 😱
R: 🤑
R: ^ the 3 characters of the gift
K: AND 👶🏼
R: OR IS IT 👶🏻
K: 🎁
R: THATS THE ONE

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