1234KYLE5678

Information

hello@1234kyle5678.com

1-234-755-CHAT

FeardotCum, Week Six: Catacombs, The Lady In White, & Night Breed

FeardotCum is a series of pre-Halloween posts where myself and my friend Ross explore our mutual love of horror films and gayness. Each week, we will watch three horror movies and discuss via text. These are our thoughts.

In our final week of films, we explore a dynamic range: what happens when you put recording artist Pink in the nü horror genre, what happens when you indulge child fantasy film with eighties horror, and what happens when you let a gay man do whatever the fuck he wants to scare you.

Spoilers ahead, of course. Read last week’s entry here.

Catacombs is a 2007 movie starring Pink and Shannyn Sossamon who play unlikely, unrelated looking sisters who party in the Parisian catacombs. Shannyn has some mental issues which get the best of her while at an underground rave that may or may not be stocked with murders or something like that.

R: GOODBYE OCTOBER, HELLO ALECIA MOORE
K: ALECIA “P!NK” MOORE
K: I CANT BELIEVE WE DID IT IM IMPRESSED WITH US
R: ST!NK
R: CATACOMBS MADE ME LAUGH SSSSOOO HAARD
R: Nearly constantly
R: A HORRIBLE piece of filmmaking that NEVER STOPPED WITH THE RAVE MUSIC and the LOUD NOISES
K: It is quintessential Nü Horror
R: Erm I file it under the “tourist horror” subgenre
K: Like PARIS RAVE PINK ABSINTHE
R: YES
R: MUSIC
R: DEATH CULTS
R: MEN ATTACKING SHANNYN
K: yes and bad tourist
K: and PRANKS
R: IT WAS VERY VERY VERY AGAINST WOMEN, WHICH MADE IT FUNNY-BAD.
R: ugh pranks
R: pranks that GOT PINK KILLED!!!
K: KILLED!!
R: This movie was made by men and all about hurting women, it was so mean and awful
K: and very mental health negative
R: YES
R: LIKE OOOOH SHE CRAZY THATS THE TWIST
R: NOT EVEN
R: She had rational anxiety
R: In an underground grave
R: While her pop star sister and many french men played pranks on her – PRANKS
K: TO EXACERBATE HER PROBLEMS!!
K: just mean
R: horrible
R: THE BEGINNING “my sister sent me a postcard… (BECAUSE NO ONE HAD EMAIL IN 2007? HAHAHAHA)”
K: And also: P!NK and Shannon Salsaman are in no reality SISTERS.
R: NEVER
R: HER SISTER SENT HER A POSTCARD KYLE
K: yeah i love that “note” of a single sentence was enticing enough to coax a trip
R: IT SAID COME TO PARIS KYLE.
R: IT SAID IT’LL BE GOOD FOR YOU KYLE.
R: So shannyn did and got accosted by French airport patrol because of her Xanex
K: That was a LOT of Xanax though, to be fair.
R: “I get nervous.”
K: the film was also very American Stereotypical View Of French Culture
K: like “Make them mean and snooty TSA employees.”
R: Yes terribly written and acted
R: Everything was very thing
R: *thin
R: The stereotypes were stupidly 2-dimensional, a robot wrote this movie
R: The movie Alone In The Dark wrote this movie
K: also very Ugly American tropes of being in foreign lands, expecting exceptional treatment for being American.
K: yes
K: tara reid’s many dead bodies wrote it
R: Her several corpses
R: SO THEY GO TO A RAVE
R: “HE LOVES DEATH”
R: wait first we see Pink’s apartment complex
R: Random reference to a serial killer that doesn’t exist
R: and whom we never see again
K: yes
K: In an old stairway, imagined
K: Then to the party
K: But FIRST a shopping montage
R: UGHGHGHGHG
R: FUCK THAT
R: PARTY
R: BAR
R: WATER
R: SHES LOST.
K: I loved that, “I just got off a plane I want to sleep” juxtaposed wth “LETS PARTY”
R: SO BAD
R: So kyle shannyn gets lost, and the movie follows her for a full 50 minutes through dark corridors
R: IN A WAY i respected it for,
K: yes
R: being real-time.
R: YKNOW?
R: ALBEIT HORRIBLY DONE
K: i mean “yes”
K: But also take a step back.
R: NO I KNOW
K: The intro of the movie includes a murder
R: Ok so they followed her REALLY CLOSELY and it was terrible
K: That is never referenced or mentioned
K: And makes no sense given the PRANK
R: PRANK
R: SO MANY PRANKS
R: Finally shannyn comes into contact with that GUY
R: That horrible guy who keeps touching her and she keeps yelling but also asking for his help
R: I’m surprised SHANNYN THE ACTRESS didn’t object to this script… She’s a Bad-Horror Scream Queen (this, One Missed Cal, apparently she’s IN SINISTER 2)
K: STFU SHE IS NOT IN SINISTER 2
R: YAUP
K: i didnt think she lived beyond 2009
R: Im looking it up – her name is COURNEY
R: 😟
K: she’s the Rachel Leigh Cook of mid-aughts horrir
R: I feel so bad for her career, all the time
R: HHEHEHE YES
K: HORRIR
R: 😟
R: Paris
R: The city not the actress
K: she shouldnt exist
R: I know
K: SHANNYN
R: OK WAIT SO kyle the prank is revealed,
R: Pink screams incessantly,
K: and giggles
R: AND SHANNYN KILLS THEM ALL WITH A MALLET, HIGH TENSION-STYLE!!!!!!!!
K: yes
R: So then
R: Shannyn exits the ‘combs
K: And then walks away covered in blood to RIDE TO CHARLES DE GAULLE
R: We see her at street leve….
R: YES
R: Did you notice
R: ALL THE PEOPLE ON THE STREET HAHAHA
R: THOSE WERE REAL LIFE EXTRAS
R: IN THIS SHITTY LOW BUDGET HOLLYWOOD FILM!!!
K: “Taxi SVP.”
R: They didn’t have clearance to film!!!!
K: YES
R: The people were smiling staring at bloody Shannyn
R: They were so confused a movie was being shot
K: i noticed that too
K: How many days were actually spent shooting in Paris.
K: 2?
R: half of one
K: Like the landing scene, when they run into the apartment, the camera was setup WITHIN A CAFE
K: to hide from permit people
R: Hahahahahahahahhahahahaahahahahaha
K: it was so clearly “in hiding.”
K: that was not a style choice
R: This movie was
R: A garbage can
R: I couldn’t be prouder to have placed the BEST BAD MOVIE at the end of our Feardotcum©
R: It was entirely entertaining in its gibberish and sludge
K: AGREED
K: of a specific micro moment in horror that expired as it was being made
R: Yes
R: My fav era
R: Of bad shit

Lady In White is a late eighties “horror” film that plays like an after school special that forces subjects like race and misogyny under a Halloween umbrella.

R: LADY IN WHITE WAS SO WEIRD AND REALLY GOOD I THOUGHT
R: What’d you think
K: really.
R: With bad moments, but good bad like heavenly creatures extreme genre-mashups
R: It was weird I know
K: i honestly had to shut it off it was that bad to me
R: AWEWWW
K: i could not handle it
R: HAHAHAHAHAHAH the only thing I wanted to talk about was the ending….
K: i got like seventy minutes in and was like “nothing is happening this is The Never Ending Story
R: Wellllllppppp
R: Yeah
K: it was a kids movie
K: and i couldn’t with it
K: i must have been in a mood because i was like “GET TO THE POINT”
R: Yeah!!! Ugh but there’s a lot of excellent kids Halloween movies!!!
K: this was not one of them
K: but it was weird and gay at points
R: It shared the same FOLIAGE as Casper and Hocus
R: Hahahahahah it was weird and gay
K: like the bumbling grandparents and the racial undertone
R: Ugh w/e I ignored
K: it felt too much like a fable for me
R: V fabley
R: Faggy and fabley
R: For the RECORD:
K: and the director did that movie and one other
R: I think it was atmospheric and ahead of its time
R: EEEUEUUE
K: fair, fair
R: pubic hair
K: it felt like the kid flashback scenes in DREAMCATCHER for an entire movie
R: AHAHAHAHA I get it
R: Poor Lukas Haas
R: Also why didn’t you call it Dreamfatter who r u
K: DREAMFATTER
K: and lukas haas man what a relic of the 1980s that still is alive
K: okay so what happened
K: i started checking out after it got into the church literally at the hour-ish mark
R: wait wait can we talk about how disturbing it was in the first half the movie where we WITNESS a girl “killed” in a closet and carried by an invisible man?
R: That was demented imagery
R: I was shooookennnnn
R: She FLOATED
K: yes TRUE
K: it was also like pretty ridiculous
K: it felt like the dance scene from Evil Dead II meets Never Ending Story
K: thats all i kept seeing: Never Ending Story
R: AAAAHUAHUAHAUA
R: Ash Vs Evil Dead on starz isn’t great
K: exactly
R: The ending was like …. two old men were behind it including lukas’s dad’s best friend
R: And theres a painfully creepy archery scene
R: Up there with We Need To Talk About Ezra
R: then a chase, then a dreamlike ending where the little girl is reconnected with her floating grandma on a cottage at the end of the sea
R: ALL VERY SURREAL AND HAZY 80S
K: HAZY 80S yes thats it
K: also tell me about this archery scene??
R: I like can’t
R: Im disturbed
R: It’s just too close
R: Like physically
R: It’s the moment where Lukas realized this man is a killer and they’re just VERY CLOSE IN PROXIMITY and i cringed in fear
R: Then Lukas runs so it’s fine
K: interesting INTERESTING
K: also it felt like it wanted to go full WOMYN but it never got there: did it get there
R: no
K: yeah very much a product of the time, i.e. that all the women included seemed very objectified (i mean OBVS with the disembodied child killer)
K: *little girl—not just any child

Nightbreed is an iconic, classic gay horror movie about monsters being ostracized because they are monsters. But who are the monsters? People who discover that they have monsters within them, after they die or allow themselves to be their true selves (or something metaphorical like that).

R: NIIIIGHTBREEEEED
K: what a CLASSIC
K: what an odd ball CLASSIC
K: where to begin
R: IT IS
R: LETS START WITH HOT LEAD GUY
R: NAKED 50% OF TH EMOVIE
R: AND CABARET GIRLFRIEND.
K: BOTH SO EIGHTIES
R: WHO WAS A GREAT HEROINE WHO HAD TO LET HER BOYFRIEND STAY A MONSTER (GAY) IN THE END.
K: YES
K: well and she went there too she became LIKE HIM
K: oh its just so good / bad / good
R: THEN THEY STILL HAD TO SPLIT HAHAHA
R: the lead guy had a stunning body
K: you know, i remember it being BETTER the first time i watched
K: this time, i was like “eh”
K: but still GOOD
R: i agree
K: still a terrible actor cast strictly to be UNCLOTHED
R: I actually thought it spends too much time on the monsters
R: as much as we love the movie and love the gayness.
K: really?!
K: i thought it could afford more
R: NU
K: because all their kookiness MAKES IT
R: I felt like I was watching a movie about “an exotic tribe”
R: LIKE ACE VENTURA 2 NATURE CALLS
R: KYLE
R: It spent so much time in the “gibberish wild”
K: okay fair i get that
K: in that regard, it was long and kept escaping story
K: I GET IT
K: i just loved the makeup and oddball imagination of the NIGHTBREED
R: YES THAT
R: Always
K: but still
K: i loved it all, from the porcupine lady to the weird animal child to the OVERLY GAY GUY WITH THE DOG WHO ENDS UP BEING HATE CRIMED
K: by THE SUN
R: THAT
R: AHAHAHHAHAHA
R: BY THE SUN
R: I AM LAUGHING SO HARD
R: THE GUY
R: THEY DIDNT HAVE ENOUGH BUDGET TO GIVE HIM MONSTER MAKEUP
R: SO HES JUST GAY. THATS HOW HE’S CHARACTERIZED.
K: HIS NIGHTBREED POWER IS “GAY WITH DOG”
K: MIGHT AS WELL BE ME
R: OURS TOO.
K: i loved him
K: also okay so this time i thought about this the entire time
R: wut
K: how close of friends were David Cronenberg and Clive Barker?
R: RIGHT
K: at what point in their friendship did Croenenberg go “I’m out. I’m above this.”
K: was it CRASH?
K: because that is some INTENSE friendship to star in the movie as the crazed killer
K: THERAPIST
R: it was existent – everything was existenz
K: again with therapists and feardotcum
R: *existenz
R: yes psych
K: but like he was not halfway checked in
K: he was THERE
K: present in the delightful filth
R: FULL ACTING
K: with a burlap mask
R: It’s a big weird thing
R: Yes
R: I bet he did his own stunts
K: probably yes
K: and also i “forgot” he was “the killer” but it was very quickly to register the two
K: the movie is so obvious
R: Yeah it all plays out.
R: Theres not really any suspense
R: It’s just a drama about gay monsters
R: Which is an incredible way to end our Feardotkummings
R: They’re just on the outside. Queering a hot straight guy and his cabaret girlfriend. VERY 80S VERY BLUE VELVET
K: YES
K: its very derivative but thats why its so adorable
K: of an era
K: before Barker went into all sorts of zany, great directions
R: Yes
R: It’s simple and enormous.
R: Like a plain, big dic.
R: *DICK!!!!!!!!!!
K: dic™
R: mhm
K: its also so undeniably faggy like he didnt even try to not make it “about that” which i love
K: how many people at the time “didnt get that”
K: a lot of people, i feel
R: How many saw it????
R: It’s nuts
R: No straight people ever discuss it
K: okay true how many saw it three people sure
R: ITS CRAZY
R: IT IS NONNNN DISCUSSED
R: EXCEPT BY GAYS
R: a true original
K: yes truly
R: We are lucky
K: i am very thankful for Clive Barker and how he has paved the way for faggy horror in a way that no one else has truly touched
R: We are his (clean) babies
R: His brood
K: his BROOD

Photos via, via, and via.

More For You To Read