FeardotCum is a series of pre-Halloween posts where myself and my friend Ross explore our mutual love of horror films and gayness. Each week, we will watch three horror movies and discuss via text. These are our thoughts.
This week, we dive into our worst week yet: we have a blender of the worst Stephen King moments, a processing of horror tropes of 2010 brought to life in 2014, and Nicole Kidman as Nicole Kidman.
Spoilers ahead, of course. Read last week’s entry here.
Dreamcatcher is a really shitty movie based on a ???? Stephen King novel that follows four men who might be in love—or just psychically able—as they escape to a snowy retreat only to struggle with the threat of poopie looking aliens and government forces.
R: OOOOOKAY SO – this was the hardest week yet? we had our only week of ALL BAD MOVIES and I’m gonna say Dreamcatcher was THE WORST because it’s a pathetic 2003 mainstream too-ambitious horror drama FULL OF BLOODY BUTTS AND PHALLUS ALIENS!!!
K: First off, Dreamcatcher is the hottest garbage I’ve ever encountered. It was like they wanted to make Stand By Me PLUS The Mist PLUS Black Hawk Down PLUS Cabin Fever PLUS cliché multiple personality movie PLUS Dead Poets Society.
K: It was the Stephen King blender.
R: IT WAS THE KING BLENDER
K: If you ever wanted Stranger Things but god awful, it’s Dreamcatcher.
R: OK WAIT
K: It was also soooo gay
R: PLUS Donnie darko because of the weird finger portal thing
R: You remember the finger portal
K: Which wasn’t really even done!
K: They all are good movies, separately, just not together.
R: THE MONSTER FIGHT AT THE END… TWO GIANT CGI COCKROACHES
R: No no the whole thing was a mess every piece
R: The Thomas Jane – Timothy Olyphant – Jason Lee bromance (all hot) bromance turned gay horror
R: *omit 2nd bromance
R: JASON LEE DIED ON A TOILET AFTER GETTING THE FAT GUYS ANAL BUG
K: That whole sequence.
K: First, so gay, fighting / fear of minority cock.
K: Second, the strange repeated fat shaming.
R: The fact that it was an explicitly phallic anal bug – I assume that was in the book – was poor on King’s part….
K: Third, Jason Lee entered the film and then died on a toilet for toothpicks.
K: That is insane, yes.
R: I don’t need a straight author trying to deliver a gay panic allegory WITH FART JOKES
R: A LOT OF FART JOKES
K: And then they were all selective psychics ?????
R: FARTS BY FAT MEN AND DEAD WOMEN
R: Ughghghgh they were all psychics
K: It was a bizarre masc parade
K: And the library of the mind!
R: The subplot of “Duddits”, mentally disabled psychic child, and how they brought him back
K: TO DIE
K: to die and alien evolve
R: DAMIEN HOMELAND LEWIS IN THE LIBRARY OF THE MIND HAHAHAHAHAHA
K: The worst Eleven
R: DAMIAN FUCKING LEWIS EW
R: Duddits was the worst Eleven.
R: DAMIAN DESERVÈD BEST ACTOR RAZZIE
K: It was so gay in the kid flashbacks
R: Hated it
K: Why were they so nice.
R: A very bad stand by me
R: A very bad It
K: It was like Robot Chicken did Stand By Me
K: I was furious I wasn’t watching The Mist.
K: we should have just rewatched that
K: Actually that feels pressing right now given the xenophobia of Trump
R: I realized stephen repeats the same story over and over again. Children in DERRY, MAINE join forces -> adulthood -> fight otherworldly symbolic monster + bad drama.
R: OH KYLE HOW POLITICAL
K: Yes all the same
R: Not rewatching the mist right now cuz of Marcia Gay Bloaten
K: RIP MARCIA
R: Who we basically watched last week in office killer (JEANNE)
R: JEANNE KYLE JEANNE
K: what is she doing right now
R: Marcia is like on Emmy nominated shows IDK
R: Bein saggy
R: I hated Dreamcatcher but it was 100% fascinating in how it’s the perfect overdone 2003 studio horror – and I love that era
K: I just love her name includes the word GAY
K: right agreed
R: Freddy Vs Jason, Identity, Thirteen Ghosts
K: Im just mad it refused to commit to ONE story
R: So gratuitous
R: IM MAD IT WAS MADE
K: Identity oh my god
R: ITS CLEARLY A BAD BOOK
R: WHY MAKE A BADDER MOVIE
K: Actually shocked Johnny Cusak wasnt in it
R: Morgan Freeman…… Soldier subplots – terrible
K: Because he is the guiding force of all bad King movies
K: Also that TERRIBLE Depp window movie
K: That one is maybe intellectually worse than Dreamcatcher
R: Mmm secret window vag
K: I watched that and was so offended as a late teen
R: Cuz it hates gays
R: I hate Dreamcatcher so much that i wanna stop talking about it
R: Dreamcatcher was TWO HOURS AND THIRTY MINS OF EVIL SLUDGE
R: BAD COMEDY
R: HOT TIMOTHY
R: Hot Timothy…
K: TOO LONG TOO BAD NOT ENOUGH TIM THE END
K: why army also
R: A lot of references to his large penis too
The Pyramid is a 2014 horror movie following a team of stereotypical archeologists as they excavate a recently found pyramid that is actually evil. Oh: also it tries to balance a found footage frame with 2014’s Egyptian unrest, abandoning both very quickly.
R: LETS GET THE PYRAMID OUT OF THE WAY
R: IT WAS NOTHING.
R: THERE WAS NOTHING ONSCREEN.
K: man i did not hate that piece of shit
K: It included that AHSS gay, one.
R: Weird role
R: He’s a B-List dad actor
R: And gay IRL yes
K: he starred as an apathetic, probably gay father who cared zero about his daughter
R: DAUGHTER PLAYED ASHLEY HINSHAW. Eager archaeologist collegiate blonde?? Nonexistent character
K: he was the most undeveloped character in movie history
R: Next to Duddits
K: next to duddits yes
R: DUDDITS KYLE
R: SO BAD
R: Ok so then they enter the pyramid and meet A WOMAN
K: okay hold
R: WHO LATER FALLS ON SPIKES AND GETS EATEN BY EGYPTIAN DOG SNAKES
R: K sorry
K: first it started with Egyptian rioting and war AS THE FRAMING DEVICE
K: then abandons it
K: like it starts so tense like “THERE IS WAR IN EGYPT!!!”
K: and then is like “k bye we r in pyramid”
R: There’s that zoom-in-on-Ashley’s boobs via sand robot…
K: i was SO MAD at that but also delighted that it ATTEMPTED political relevance
K: SAND ROBOT!!!
R: So offensive / gross / THE CRUSH territory
R: I hate these straight film financiers
K: cost MILLIONS for that shitty Johnny Five
K: yes that was dirty
R: SAND ROBOT MVP
R: V dirty
K: but also she was like “~*~StOp~*~” which is even worse
R: That actress loves going topless which disturbs me im sorry
K: to have a woman play the role of “be watched without permission and then dont care:that’s your choice”
R: She’s jailbait and even played jailbait in a movie called ABOUT CHERRY
R: HER NAME IS CHERRY
K: s t o p
R: LIKE VIRGIN. gET IT?
K: she was forgettable really
K: okay so atop of that there was the construction of documentary / found footage
R: So then they enter the tomb of Egyptian dogsnakes…
R: YES BAD
K: “Well, there goes my Emmy.”
R: BAD GENRE ATTEMPT
R: Good catch
K: which i laughed out loud and SCREAMED when that was said
K: i am FINE about found footage
K: but it was so abandoned
R: Kyle you know what I’m gonna say…..
K: because then you were balancing “well, who is filming this?” and you realize halfway that it’s not one of the “filmmakers”
K: i know, i know: i aspire for found footage perfection, which this was not
R: You know what I’m gonna say
R: I’m gonna say
K: say it
R: THE GALLOWS
R: Is better than THE PYRAMID
R: BY MILES AND MILES
R: I SUCK
K: well yes
K: but i HATED that too
K: i was literally asleep and tried to rewatch and literally was half asleep
R: “THE ____” found footage movies from 2014+
K: but yes gallows > pyramid
R: THAT WAS ME DURING PYRAMID!!!
R: I was falling asleep
K: (but, really, Paranormal Activity 3 was the best use)
R: It was pain.
R: Pyramid had A. Horrible productions values while attempting ambitious goals, B. No sense of humor C. Or scares
R: It was so so so unwatchable
K: okay true
K: that is true
R: THE NOTHING should be title
K: i guess i liked that it was just TRYING so much: Egyptian politics, nerdy archeology / tech, creepy girl, found footage, gay Dennis, DOGS, and the line, “Well there goes my Emmy.”
K: i think i found it endearing that it tried so much and abandoned it
K: like the woman with the spikes!
R: YOU KNOW
R: I WANNA
K: they alluded that she was going to “evolve” into a monster and then DIES
R: TALK ABOUT
R: CReepy woman. Can we talk about creepy woman
K: aggro pseudo lez
R: ……glad she died.
R: Cuz she was Tako from Girls season 1 – so useless
R: Ugh pyramid
R: Anything else. It was just dogfood
K: oh Anubis was so poorly crafted
K: and then the soldier came back and then there was the moment where Ashley was like “OMG MY LOVE YOU ARE ALIVE” then STOMP and he dead
K: so many decisions where an idea was inserted and then immediately removed
K: that to me was so comical
K: the best example: the ending
R: Which I blocked out
K: “OMG! i made it out!! help me child!!” then WAIT SHE IS DISEASED then WAIT WAIT WAIT ANUBIS KILLS KID
k: AND SCENE
R: I am glad
K: i’m just shocked that a wannabe ripoff of The Descent can come out in 2014 without any irony and be THAT
R: That movie made me miserable! And I love shitty 2010s horrors!
R: WITHOUT ANY IRONY
K: i’m still SHOCKED that people try to remake The Descent
K: and that was the perfect example
K: and then the ending had that terrible like faux-rock song!!!!
K: it was of the era of films like The Ruins but four years late
R: I MEANT TO REFERENCE RUINS TEN MINS AGO FUCK
K: it aspired to be “adult” teen horror of the 2000s but was late by a decade
R: RUINS WAS BETTER
K: it was VERY The Ruins but BAD
R: YEA AGREED
K: i love the ruins
K: i bought it on DVD
R: ME TOO
K: i OWN that movie
R: K not ok
R: It can only live in HBOGO
R: Nowhere else
R: Not even HBONOW
K: okay hear me out i bought it on sale at a Blockbuster
K: that was my thing: buying used movies from video stores
K: which then evolved into Amoeba and here we are now
R: PERFECT SHITTY GOING-OUT-OF-BUSINESS USED BUY
R: Obviously same
The Invasion is about Carol (Nicole Kidman) who figures out that there is some sort of strange alien epidemic happening in Washington, DC that may or may not be tied to the government, which her doctor-boyfriend-with-bad-hair (Daniel Craig) attempts to solve, as she manages her son, who is away at his father’s house and only speaks via video texts.
K: this SCENE
R: THE INVAJ
R: YES IT WAS A REWATCH 4 ME
R: VERY PROUD TO SAY I saw it in theaters
K: any movie that starts with Nicole Fucking Kidman CHUGGING a Mountain Dew in a Wahsington, DC pharmacy has me SOLD
R: Box office bomb
R: After reshoots
K: you are gay
R: I’m gay!
K: i was SO EXCITED for this movie at the time
R: ITS BIF
K: but then the reviews were so bad i was SAD
K: i lived in DC when this was made too
R: The Sigur Ros song in the trailer!!!!
R: I think it had excellent marketing
K: yes it SOUNDED great
K: and seemed great
R: The poster and trailer are artful
K: yes all very design friendly and aesthetic
K: the movie: NOPE
R: Ok now I wanna say: it IS great, except for unfortunate hysterical action bits & major camp
R: WAIT BUT
R: The cinematography and music
K: yes true
R: Are arthouse classique
K: and the many hoards of blank staring people
R: The SHEEN. This movies gay cold sheen…
R: Aka LA
R: Daniel Craig was pathetic but hot
R: I think hot
K: i couldnt get past the hair
K: his HAIR
K: i was MAD
R: I know
R: It looked nice and soft!!!!
R: His natural accent I found RAAATHER DASHING
K: balding euro trash
R: Also imagined his withered blonde balls a lot 😅
K: also the two of them together makes me so uncomfortable as it relates to the whitest to ever white
R: YOU MEAN HER?
K: BURN BURN BURN
R: Yeah very white
K: they just felt…aryan
R: The whole movie is like
R: New title – The Danish Aliens
K: but not Michael Haneke
K: wait he’s not danish whatever
R: I loved Nicole I think Nicole did great.
R: This is a STRONG FEMALE ROLE in a bad script
K: well on top of that there were…no aliens
R: Like POLITICAL ACTION SCIFI
K: a movie where aliens are heard but not seen is not a good movie
R: It’s body snatchers!!! It’s good you don’t see the creatures
K: where people SPIT SEMEN to be “aliens” is no good
K: ALSO MALIN AKERMAN!!!!!!!
R: I SCREAMED
K: two scenes
K: ME TOO!!!!!!
K: I WAS FURIOUS!!!!!!
R: DONT CALL
R: HER SECOND SCENE
K: i wanted to turn it off and watch the comeback
R: A SCENE.
R: SHE WAS
R: A CONVERTED BLONDE SWEDISH BARBIE IN THE BACKGROUND
R: HER BEST DRAMATIC ACTING
K: before her husband spits SEMEN on his ex-wife
R: It was super cummy
K: EW EW EW
K: also the conceit that you CANT SLEEP was K I L L I N G me
K: those “choices” made me so mad
R: The dried alien skin is such dried cum!
K: DRIED and ROTTED
R: So peely
R: We all jizz, we know what it’s like
K: the movie was just The Faculty minus any of the actual alien elements
K: which made me SO MAD
K: because we KNOW that that is a classic
R: UGHGHGH I have sex w faculty
R: Love that FLEM
K: it was the same movie (body snatchers) but without any of the snatchers
K: i, too, have had sex with faculty
K: who hasnt
K: its the gay hookup film of the 2000s
R: Nicole throws a child at a bedpost.
K: a minority child, a young person of color!!
R: REALLY HORRIFYING
R: ok Kyle
R: This is good get ready
R: So this version on Amazon prime was clearly the edited version…
R: In that scene, in theaters,
R: I viciously remember – Nicole didn’t just throw that child into a bedpost. She JUMPS UP and DROPKICKS HIM across the room like punting a football
R: VERY CLEARLY the producers read the reviews and were like omg we’re gonna make this less crazy for dvd/streaming….
K: oh my god
R: IT WAS REAL
K: i want to see the receipts
R: ME TOO
K: i NEED to see them
R: I googled it
R: Kidman “dropkick”
R: Just dropkick murphys
K: “kidman dropkick child”
K: “child whose parents turned to semen because they couldn’t handle microbial aliens”
K: also i wanted that child to be more DAMIEN
R: We briefly see the child’s mom ROTTING ON A COUCH, Amber tamblyn in The Ring style
R: Also Nicole adopts him in the end???????
K: the ending is “Look at our Aryan Family™ (plus Data from Goonies)”
K: i did not register that until now
R: “I love you Gene.”
R: Yes the gaming
K: i have something divisive to say about NICOLE’s performance
K: it’s comparative and dumb
R: WELL SURE ITS FROZEN
K: i just wanted her to be NICOLE from THE OTHERS
K: that is PEAK NICOLE to me
R: Ugh that will never happen again
R: That was 2001 Nicole proving she is a FORCE
K: after that movie it all dissolved or dried like the alien semen
R: But this wasn’t that character
R: This was CAROL BENNELL
R: WASHINGTON DC THERAPIST
K: OH OH OH i forgot to mention: both this movie and Dreamcatcher had THERAPISTS
R: CAROL (2015)
R: UgHghgh therapists and aliens
K: TODD HAYNES IN OFFICE KILLER!!
K: yes bad synergy
R: How much did you hate Nicole’s son. I know you hated him
R: You would
K: i was MAD that he only communicated via VIDEO MESSAGES
K: little asshole CALL SOMEONE
R: THAT WAS
K: why did they not call each other??
R: SO FUNNY
K: the advertising was hysterical
K: like they spent SO MUCH TIME in crisis WAITING FOR VIDEO MESSAGES
R: THEY HAD TO TEXT VIA
R: NOKIA CUZ OF THE ALIENS!!!
K: not even texting like covert i get it
K: but VIDEO MESSAGES
R: If you don’t use Nokia they’ll catch you.
K: which makes no sense just call her
K: that and chugging mountain dew
R: THE PHONES LIKE DIDNT EVEN HAVE CAMERAS I THINK
R: Plot hole major
K: oh man yes
R: “Here Carol, have some tea”
R: Campy evil receptionist
K: oh my god everything in that office
K: that and the husband and the frazzled wife
K: “have some tea”
K: now i stare at you
K: then PHONE
K: so much PHONE
R: VERONICA CARTWRIGHT STAR OF 1978’s INVASION. I’m gay
R: The frazzled.
R: My husband is not my husband will always be classic
R: BUT THEN THIS MOVIE BUTCHERS IT:
R: With Carol googling MY WIFE IS NOT MY WIFE and MY SON IS NOT MY SON
R: We getttttt ittttt
R: I love the invasion. I think it’s 40% strong subtle well done fast paced eerie meticulously scifi, 50% campy overdone mess, 10% shit
K: very entertainment
R: BETTER THAN DREAMFATTER
K: i just love that i got to see something i never thought id get to see ever: NICOLE chugging MOUNTAIN DEW, lips to the bottle, sucking it out
R: VICIOUS THIRST
K: any movie that starts with that, i’m in
K: like ten seconds in CHUG CHUG CHUG
R: And her scouring for KLONOPIN
R: With dew
K: GO TO FLAVOR TOWN
K: it topped rebecca hall’s GATORADING in THE GIFT
R: FRUCTOSE FRUCTOSE – her voiceover
R: VERY SIMILAR
R: Thank you
K: this was more overt though
K: you could see her pockets filling with ad cash
R: But just the inclusions
R: The sugar drink inclusions
R: I enjoy
K: yes that exactly
R: I revel
R: We’re gay
K: we are gay