FeardotCum is a series of pre-Halloween posts where myself and my friend Ross explore our mutual love of horror films and gayness. Each week, we will watch three horror movies and discuss via email and text. These are our thoughts.
For this entry into the nether regions of our souls, we deliver you two intentional horrors and one that was tacked on by an accident of Hollywood anti-magic. We corresponded by email which is a little less conversational than we wanted which is why we’ve resumed texts for the next week.
First, a throwback thriller: 1974’s It’s Alive, the movie about a demon baby who wreaks havoc on Los Angeles that might be a bigger metaphor for a woman’s right to choose.
Ok I was happy surprised by the BERNARD HERRMANN SCORE + GRINDHOUSE EXPLOIT FILMMAKING, a shock. Also the sound effects and the “hidden monster” were fun, and all baby scenes were a success. But the very slow moving scenes otherwise – like the drama – i was like (eyeroll emoji) (fuck me emoji) (who needs drama in a shlock). I expected more laughs…
i actually loved this movie? i was really, truly impressed with it although i watched a very, very, very shitty copy that was covered in a pointillist grid and only showed a quarter of the frame. i mostly loved it because it was so pro-women and about abortion? there were so many moments of “huh??” with that like in the birthing scene where the doctor essentially is like “hey, make your vagina work harder” and she is like “ARE YOU KIDDING ME I AM GIVING BIRTH YOU ASS.” they also have a very open conversation about abortion and this movie, to me, made a case for abortion which i was not expecting. although paired with comments like “he’s got a retarded kid!” you see it was a product of the time (that and the carnation milk truck). i loved the idea of hunting babies and the darkly cast LA as a character. i also very much appreciated that the movie took ten minutes to jump into the action, the milk-in-blood scene was great on many tiers, and the ending with throwing the demon baby and the seattle “twist” were great. i loved it! i just wanted more fucking demon babies though. perhaps i need to watch the sequel.
Onward to more terrible children!
Netflix’s Little Evil was next up, a comedy horror flick intended to lampoon the subgenre of evil children a la The Omen and Poltergeist.
Ok perfect pairing of scary kids features. Adam Scott: A+ at encapsulating the movie’s tone through his performance. Love that the director of hillbilly-horror-spoof TUCKER & DALE made this his second movie, a evil-kid-horror-spoof. He’s found a niche!! What specific horror realm WILL he spoof next. Interesting how it was The Omen plus Poltergeist plus IDK. It was light… It was frothy… Bridget Everett was truly a shock; lesbian couple with super butch mom who never genders herself! We got a gay horror here!
i really don’t know how to feel about this film. on one hand, there were some gems (bridget as a non-gendered bull!!!!!! the little person actor whose role wasn’t about his height!!!!) but it also felt repetitive and derivative in ways that could have been avoided? it’s like i kept going “why would that happen” only for the problem to be answered minutes later, which is fine but…I shouldn’t have to ask those questions. adam scott is just and ageless beauty and i would love to top him. it did do some great horror touchstoning a la the omen videographer and what a great embodying of being so normcore with the production / aesthetic (i.e., he drove a shitty honda). i also had an issue that adam and evangeline lilly were supposed to be 35? the kid was 6 and she had him “in her late twenties” but they both looked well into their forties soooo huh. i also was mad that there were ghostbusters references because, if ghostbusters exists in that universe, so does the omen. i wanted someone to say “huh this is like that movie huh”: bits like that were lazy and i know the guy who did tucker and dale has better in him (that plus the monster truck ending?? and the cheap masks for the finale??). also i hated the kid in a “you are a bad actor.” way and, finally, HOW DID YOU NOT EVEN MENTION SALLY FUCKING FIELDS THIS IS A GAY MOVIE INDEED
We are agreed on Sally. SALLY…SALLYS SON (not the famously gay one) is the director of Little Evil and Tucker & Dale!
Now, onward to some extra credit we did: we watched the recently released turd Visions (AKA, Nightmares), a movie that had been quietly released to Netflix without a theatrical release for myriad reasons. It was bad. This conversation is also cobbled together from texts and email.
RT: THE OPENING CREDITS AND JOANNA POSSESSED AND ANSON GETS SHIRTLESS
RT: AND JOANNA POSSESSED
KF: DRUBK ON GREEN WINE
RT: AND A SURPRISING NUMBER OF PEOPLE DIE
KF: oh god yes did that
RT: AND GILLIAN IS SSSO ANNOYING ITS FUN
RT: YOU WANNA SLAP HER
RT: ISLA is perfectly pathetic
KF: More distracted by isla’s lazy aussie accent / is she supposed to not be aussie??
RT: [i also watched] the last of my ’90s teen horror ABANDON 2002 with katie holmes shockingly hilariously campy and WICKER PARK 2004 aka the last of the ’90s teen cycle before it became 2005-2009 death of the genre… wicker park is terrible and infuriating. GLAD the genre died with THAT.
KF: i did watch VISIONS whilst high so there we go. i was just sooooo distracted by her accent? and that house?? and that it was all about baby terrors (LOOK AT OUR SYNERGY) that are redeemed via vision of breaking a really, really ugly headboard? and dr. bazinga??? i feel like jason blum saw the invitation and was like “oh fuck we did this wrong” and canned this film.