FeardotCum is a series of pre-Halloween posts where myself and my friend Ross explore our mutual love of horror films and gayness. Each week, we will watch two horror movies and discuss via email and text. These are our thoughts.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year: October! And you know what that means: time for two gays to talk about horror movies. Welcome back to the highly esteemed, very much under-read queer horror conversation series that is FeardotCum.
This year, Ross and I have themed out weeks pretty spectacularly and are limiting our critical intake to two films a week, as to not putter out and die (like we did last year). We also have some major motion pictures that we’ll be seeing in theatres which is new for us, I believe.
Weeks one and two: back to back puppet weeks.
First up is the 1978’s Magic, the ventriloquist “drama horror” movie starring a very young Sir Anthony Hopkins and Ann-Margaret. Let the ga(y)mes begin!
R: i quietly loved Magic i’ve been anticipating its eerie 70sness and dollmindfuckery for many many years omg ann margret
K: okay first off it was by far the technical “best” but also the film of the four i dozed off to most ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
K: And whenever i think of ann margaret, i think of lindsay lohan
K: and has anthony hopkins ever looked not like an old man?
R: he looked nearly young in this. nearly.
K: Young adjacent
K: Younger starring Hillary Duff as Fats
R: yes it was the technical best but for me it was the SECOND most doziest — the MOST doziest for me was BOTH TREMORS AND BAD TASTE!!!
R: Ok wait back to magic
R: The music was so beautiful. And the story was respectably slow and classic
K: the music was great
R :I can understand its sleepiness 4 u.
R: Like very secretly a classic.
R: why lindsay lohan?
R: cuz they both melted with age? 😟
K: I think my issue: it would have been a better stage play
K: Oh no just you wait
R: wait for WUT
R: I can’t click it
R: Im still watching Blumhouse
R: ok magic – was it evil-doll-y enough?
R: HER COMPLEXION
K: There was a mid-2000s phase where everyone was like LINDSAY IS THE NEW ANN!!!!!
K: and we know better “now” but still
K: Did ann try to steal a refuge
K: I THINK NOT
K: Anyway yes
R: magic was small.
R: magic is done.
R: i actually liked that it was our very first view.
K: I like my evil doll movies where the doll is evil — not the actual person associated with doll
R: OH YES
R: This was weird
K: I started with it too
R: So you’ll love Dead Silence
R: bc EVERY DOLL IS EVIL
K: hence the stage play-ness
R: AND THERES… THOUSANDS?
K: OH YES
K: Ive seen it like three times
R: i love that terrible film
R: a nice 2007 bad treat
K: bb James Wan
Onward to the maybe straight-to-video but not 1990s creature feature Tremors. It stars an almost-not-young Kevin Bacon, many a hot southern person, and Reba McEntire.
R: ummmm tremors
R: so i really respect it. i do.
K: hot take: my fave of the four
R: but it was too much of a consistently goofy western cartoon for me to get into.
K: i loved that!!!!!!
R: MY LEAST FAV OF THE FOUR
K: It was so camp without having any awareness!!!!
K: It was sooo gay!!!!!!
R: it reminded me of the first 15 mins of beetlejuice (my fav ever) in a bad way
R: The gayness is next
R: BUT THE MOVIE idk i needed more. It was too flat
K: Brokeback Mountain™️ but the two men face penises underground!!!
R: yes. the gayness with penis
K: And R E B A
R: Earl (?) was incredibly hot
K: ALT RIGHT REBA
R: muscly daddy opposite bacon
R: Alt Reba
K: fuck me with your earl tremor ddy
R: He was the hottest man we’ve watched yet
R: other than black devil doll
K: Also the little girl from Jurassic Park
K: Yes true
R: Um what
K: She was the little gorl in tremors!!
K: Who went on to appear in tremors FOUR or something!!!
R: k gr8
K: I respect a bad franchise moment
R: tremors was like
K: And tremors is that
R: I’ve waited years to watch it
R: and I’ve already forgotten it
R: i wish it affected me more, like rest of world
K: Im the opposite
R: this’ll make a blog post.
K: For whatever reason my family watched tremors 2 ALL THE TIME
K: and i never sat down to watch one
K: Like i love tremors because it was of a moment before Sharknado
R: very christian
R: so christy
K: Because it was maybe the last non-self aware creature feature
R: Tremors 6: Easter
K: Like nearly straight to video but not
K: Tremors 69: True Love Waits
R: Tremors 4: Ouija 2: The Conjuring: The Nun: My Butt
R: omg someones dying on blum
R: this aint Ma
R: you are Ma
K: What is this hulublum??
K: I AM MA
K: My new tramp stamp
Queerly, we are very excited for Octavia Spencer’s big horror jaunt.
Now, the feature film debut of Peter Jackson, Bad Taste. This is a sci-fi-horror-comedy from 1987 that is…something.
R: Ok, Bad Taste…………..
R: lets get into it………..
K: Bad Taste
R: bad taste
K: I have been waiting literal decades
K: For bad taste
R: very bad taste (sequel to very bad things)
R: ME TO!!!!
R: AND IT WAS
K: HATED IT
R: YES HATED IT TOO
K: SO BORED
R: OMG AGREED
R: VERY VERY VERY BAD
K: NON FAT BUT FAT PETER JACKSON
R: only redeeming elements?
K: um that new zealand paid for it!!!
K: or whatever they do
K: Like opening with the NZ film board endorsement
K: I was like “o wow”
K: Then 😶
R: peter jackson acting. and the middle sequence where we finally meet the human-looking rich food chain CEO aliens
R: at the house
R: where people eat vomit
K: it was just way long
R: and nothing happening
R: with bad camera work
K: In true peter fashion bad subplots too
K: Yes to all that
R: i can’t believe he made the genius DEAD ALIVE around same time
R: Dead Alive is a cult masterpiece
R: Bad Taste has absolutely nothing going on.
K: The whole time i wish we were watching that
K: or meet the feebles
K: Like how did that come before??
R: I THOUGHT THIS WAS THAT!!!!
R: OH NO
K: omg have you NOT SEEN
K: O M G
R: I thought this was feeble
R: im done
K: No!!!! Two different things!!!
R: k im dung
R: pure dung
R: well at least I’ve seen 2 of the 3 early jackson horrors
R: HAVE YOU SEEN THE FRIGHTENERS???
R: ITS FUN
R: RIGHT BEFORE HE MADE LOTR
R: HIS LAST WEIRD THING
R: BEFORE LOTR
R: omg its weird
K: rip peter
R: like Casper
Lastly, to loop it around to ventriloquism, the 1984 cult sensation that is Black Devil Doll From Hell. It’s a lo-fi treat that is really hard to track down – but we did it.
K: okay BLACK DEVIL DOLL
R: this film made me very happy.
R: i am
K: i gotta say boring but i loved? very endearing
R: a black devil doll fan
R: i laughed a lot
R: a lot a lot
R: its worthy of its bad cult value
K: like that actress
K: Where is her oscar???
K: Her titties for supporting actresses??
R: these actors names, kyle.
R: Marie Sainvilvs
R: Reverend Obie Dunson
K: Rev Obie Dunson
R: KATHLEEN TURNER!?!?!?!??!
K: i loved it
R: i loved all of it
R: often though
R: it was excruciatingly annoying
K: A devil doll fucked christ out of her and she wanted that d to leep coming
R: but i couldn’t look away. i had so much fun
R: THE MUSIC
K: AHHH THE MUSIC!!!!
R: the music should die
K: Just a gem
K: I loved it
K: I imagined some stoned man with a one loop drum machine going at it
R: the saleslady (played by esteemed performer Marie SainVILVS) was my favorite part
R: The music DROWNED HER VOICE
K: But also for the time? The music and a film? GOOD FOR THESE PEOPLE
R: i am laughing so hard
K: Yes yes yes
R: you couldn’t even hear the doll’s backstory
R: the previous owner etc
K: My favorite part was dragging the man off the street to fuck but not before word vomiting how a devil doll made you a sex fiend
K: also can we talk about the doll itself
R: before we get to the doll,
R: that exact moment you just brought up
R: she has a sex with a man, post-doll-sex,
R: and she is BORED
R: and he goes WHY ARENT YOU INTO THIS
R: and she goes FINISH UP AND GET OFF OF ME
R: like she is so addicted to doll sex at this point
R: that she has no interest in human dick anymore
R: it made me ssscccrrreeeamabamammam
K: Like the sheer quietness of the plot
R: ok the doll
R: the doll…
K: Religious woman gets devil doll, has devil doll sex, can’t live without it **END**
R: adam walked in while i was watching it
K: rick james by way of howdy doody
K: o m g
R: and he said that doll looks like howdy doody painted black
R: JINX JINX JINX
R: ITS HOWDY DOODY!!!
R: i can’t believe it
R: the doll was
R: so excitingly bad
R: when i first glimpsed him in THE ANTIQUE STORE SCENE i yelled out loud
K: This may have been before your time but i dont think it is but there was a 19980s/1990s time where sears catalogues had ventriloquist dolls in white, tan, and balck
R: also her church scenes with mom!!!!
K: this was the doll with a rick james wig
K: i loved the TONE
K: from the start with the church
K: And her ZEAL
K: god and the phone call
R: her singing – “jesus loves meeeeeeee”
K: A delight
K: Also something i couldnt stop thinking about: the director apparently used his child cousin or something to play the doll “when it walks”
K: like?????? the depths he went to make this near porn of a film!!
K: But also dignified and not totally gratuitous but totally gratuitous
R: um i thought of that too
K: like it was almost a porn
R: oh so as i was watching i thought about what you said
R: and i wondered if it really was a porn with horror elements
R: and after seeing it
R: experiencing its wonders
R: i think
R: it is actually really a horror film with porn scenes
K: But like the boob shots frequently drifted away
R: SURPRISE, ALL
K: Barely ass, no V
R: and when never saw clown penis
R: *doll penis
Now, we rank the movies – with an eye toward our next installment.
K: okay whats next for us
K: my ranking is
R: well mother and he knows you’re alone
K: 1. Tremors; 2. DEVIL DOLL; 3. Magic; 4. Bad Taste
R: oh god mother
R:Omg ranking so far
K: Im scared
R: nO MOTHER IS GREAT
R: IT ISSISIISISISIS OSOSOSOSOSOSOS FUN
K: i have heard such MIXED
R: 1. Devil Doll 2. Magic 3. Tremors 4. Bad Taste
See you next week, pubes!