FeardotCum is a series of pre-Halloween posts where myself and my friend Ross explore our mutual love of horror films and gayness. Each week, we will watch two horror movies and discuss via email and text. These are our thoughts.
We boys have been busy. But you know what? We got our shit together enough to offer you a megamix post to conclude-ish the 2018 iteration of FeardotCum.
(Also: apologies for not reformatting my name as I copied and pasted this from text conversations and it was a bit too tedious for me to go back through and scrub my name out. Apologies!)
First, 1980 college stalker-killer film He Knows You’re Alone. It’s a ridiculous lost “classic” horror film that stars a very young Tom Hanks.
R: IT WAS SO FUNNY.
R: lovably cheap, really enjoyably 80s and it never really slowed down.
i thought it was A DELIGHT
R: when there was a shitty hilarious horror scene, there were weird monologues and dialogue moments
R: *when there WASNT
And an unmasked, totally named killer the whole time? Amazing
R: yeah what was that
The weird dialogue!
R: the dialogue.
And like strange acting choices that also made sense
R: that girl fucking her teacher ugh
R: so much
And teens that looked forty
R: the window near-kill
The “sex scene”
What WAS that
R: i was laughing so hard
I had to rewind because i was like WHAT
R: im really glad we discovered it this year
R: you know who else is glad
R: THE STAR OF
R: SAVING MR BANKS
R: THE POST
R: AND FUCK MYCOCK TOM HANKS
R: what is happening
god he was A PEACH
R: he was adorable
R: why didn’t they make him the killer.
His most WTF role and he did bosom buddies
He was such a shit!!!
The freshman archetype
R: i wanted to kiss him
The Original Mansplainer™️
R: oh wait i watched it weeks ago but
R: i feel like
R: there were
R: several hot men?
R: am i misremembering?
oh for sure
R: WHO WERE THEY
R: NOW I WANNA CUM TO THEM AGAIN
There were bonafide cuties
R: i think tom was one but there were several
R: ugh i wanted
He was NOT the hotest
I enjoyed the killer and his constantly tense jaw
Wait was tom THE JOGGER
i think he was?
R: the fagger
also i loved the film’s obsession with BRIDES
R: IT WAS
and the strange bridal store owner!
R: PSYCHO: THE 1980S B-MOVIE ADAPTATION
R: like it was all about marriage and matrimony
R: and killing
R: and a movie theater death!!!
R: buzz from camp blood told me about that A DECADE ago
oh my god
The movie theatre death
R: go ff
That was maybe one of the most well done deaths and build ups that ive ever seen
R: the girl who died in the first scene
Im not being a drama queen but it was SO GOOD
R: i mean it was genuinely upsetting yes
because it was SO QUIET
and like believable
R: and it was a ladies bathroom
R: which is just
R: 2018 inappropriate
R: it had K*vanaugh all over it
R: it was sickening
like the opposite in tone of Jada Pinkett Smith™️ in Scream 2
R: OH MY GOD THE OPPOSITE YOURE RIGHT
YES!!! I thought the kav thing too
R: ugh ew
R: JADA’S WAS BIG AND FLASHY
R: this was like a quiet storm
okay that actually brings me to something else re kav
R: a quiet evil sticky-floored storm
R: with literal backstabbings
so all these movies except for halloween were just BAD FOR WOMEN thats my hot take
Male gaze run WILD
particularly mother and suspiria we shall unpack those later but this one kicked off mine “ew wow male filmmakers”
also SPIT too
in ME TOO america i can only take so much destruction of female bodies on screen
R: i sort of phased it out
by men that is
R: i was so jade
R: I WAS JADA’D
R: HIGHLY JADA’D.
Darren Aronofsky’s 2017 film Mother! is next and, while Ross has seen it multiple times, it was my first viewing. We had radically different takes on this piece of work.
R: DO IT KYLE
I have THOTS
R: i do too.
i was SO MAD
R: this was my third time watching it
Like so pretty
R: ahahahahah explain
And so nice and like Law was great and dewey and then i realized this was a means for aronofsky to jack off about being an ARTIST and POET and to use a woman as a metaphor for this to like literally brutalize her just to take her essence and dispose of her for a new someone i was SO MAD
Like graphic without a non-masturbatory meaning
Wow so camp
EATING A BABY
the HOUSE the best costar of 2017
—fin— of my topline thots
R: this is amazing
R: so you see it as like, he made it from like a HIGHLY ANTI-FEMINIST pov
R: i HEAR THAT
R: tip my at
R: what IF
i couldnt see anything else but not necessarily anti fem
R: he really made it completely in tandem with jennifer, and TOTALLY EMPATHIZED with this woman
R: and he blames the world for beating her up
R: and he hates hates hates javier
R: (even THOUGH… SUBCONSCIOUSLY… DARREN IS JAVIER…?)
But like IM HELPING but not seeing that the violence can be taken out of context
R: (but that’s another later)
but yes exactly
I like that in theory but if a woman wrote the film? Sure
But he wrote and directed and had his girlfriend star
R: ughghghghghghghghhghghg i know
R: its fucking hard to see
R: BUT they were COLLABORATORS
It was like difficult for me to not see masturbation
Paired with JAVIER supporting WOODY
R: ok you kmiow what
If the muse in the end woke up and was A GUY
R: oh my god
Or even J Law again!
R: that is brilliant
But was A DIFFERENT GIRL
i was PISSED
R: NOT JUST A DIFFERENT GIRL
Like so this happens MORE
R: DO YOU GET IT
R: IM A DICK
wait no splain
R: IT WAS JUST A NEW MOTHER EARTH
R: AND GOD IS THE ASSHOLE
R: FOR RUINING EACH AND EVERY PLANET
R: BY PLACING HUMANS ON IT
R: OVER AND OVER
R: did that read.
but yes exactly
R: ok yes
It read it just wasnt THAT DEEP
R: its not
R: its very obvious
R: its a performance art project
It was like LOL IM AARON LET ME CUM ON THIS NOW LOL
R: i simtalenously think it’s stupidly obvious and HIGHLY fascinating
i hated that its so mfa year 1
R: IM AARON?
What i think is fascinating is that it was presented to NOT LIMITED RELEASE
R: BECUASE THE MARKETING TEAM WAS LIIKE
like that is HYSTERICAL
R: GO WIDE!!!!!
R: I KNOW HAHAHAHAHA
R: ANDT HEN IT MADE $7MIL.
R: it’s so sad
I Spit On Your Grave is a horror “classic” that helped create the revenge sub-genre and, accidentally, we both departed in our viewings, Ross watching the 1978 original while I “enjoyed” the 2010 remake. The two are worlds apart but, really, they’re both filthy fucking messes.
R: i watched THE ORIGINAL. kyle.
I watched the original years ago and watched THE REMAKE
the original i think is actually great?
R: im ready to admit
R: i never knew
like raw and real and almost feels like a fucked up doc a la cannibal holocaust
R: YOU WANTED TO WATCH THE REMAKEEE!!
R: so i took FDCum as an opportunity to see the original
but thats also great because we can be yin and yang
R: i liked this
R: for that reason.
R: one was the OLD one was the NEW
R: the old was……
R: a filthy sweaty raunch factory as expected
R: but not as painful and horrible as original last house on the left
R: wut do u think
wait THATS A TAKE
i thought the opposite!
R: last house was like watching a snuff film
R: spit was like
R: very obviously “we’re making an EXPLOITATION film”
Maybe my memory is serving incorrectly but spit was snuffy to me and brutal
R: complete with freeze frames and old fonts
R: omg both
i loved that though!
R: last house was crude and unfinished
it just seemed like it was genuine in a weird way?
R: spit was like a polished “dirty” indie – kinda like the evil dead
R: YES IT IS GROSS
R: FUCKING AWFUL
R: WITHOUT A DOUBT
okay so let me tell you about the REMAKE
It is GOD AWFUL and like so wanna be brutal like a baby putting on a Jigsaw™️ costume
The whole stalk and rape thing is taken very stupidly and theres a found footage conceit
all filmed by DANIEL FRANZIENE OR WHATEVER
the fat mean girl gay
R: DANIEL FRANCESE… DIRECTED THE REMAKE?
R: WHAT ARE YOU SPEAKING RIGTH NOW
R: we would have kNOWN that
WAIT WAIT NO NO
R: im too tired to even imdb. are you serious
he was the character who “carries around a camcorder”
and films the scenes from WITHIN the movie
like there is this movie within the movie that is found footage
R: he took this role. this was a serious role for him.
R: NOOOO OF COURSE
And FRANZINI is the one who does it
R: kyle wait why did you EVER WANT TO WATCH THIS REMAKE
R: it was straight to dvd
R: he DOES it?
IT WASNT STRAIGHT TO DVD!!!!
Because the original was so unholy for sad reasons and like not something you remake
But it HAPPENED
its like remaking cannibal holocaust
but everyone takes the job SO SERIOUSLY
R: NO WI GET IT.
R: i really get it
R: you were like WHY DOES THIS EXIST
and there are some genius deaths but they are all Cheesecake Factory deaths
R: of course they take it seriously
R: bc the first one was such a big deal
R: what is a cheesecake factory death
They thought they were in MOTHER
cheesecake factory death is like
let me explain how FRANZINI died to explain
the woman ties him to a pole and then like covers him in honey or something and then puts fish hooks on his eye lids so he cant blink and then does something else so that birds peck his face until he dies
Its like they went MAXIMAL
the sheriff dies by being bent over like a chair with a shotgun up his ass that only goes off when the special ed kid who raped the girl “wakes up” and waves to the sheriff because the string to pull the trigger was around his hand
Like DELIGHTFULLY fussy
it was beyond
And then they made a SQUEAKUEL
R: THE SHERIFF DEATH
R: WHYYYY DDI THEY DO THIS
R: and there is an I Spit Remake Sequel?
R: have u read anything about TIT
yes there is a sequel and i did not care to engage
Didnt even watch a trailer
i neither hated nor enjoyed it and that is that about that
R: the tv show
R: IS UNDERWHELMING
R: i am shhhhocked!!!
um i LOVE it
it is MOODY and FUN and OVERLY DRAMATIC
R: i realized it was bad AT THE LESBIAN CLUB SCENE AND POST-SEX SCENE WITH TERIBLE DIALOGUE
R: i wish it wasn’t a drama
but i love that
I love the hot hairy assed little brother, i loved the stacked kids cast, i love whatshername from Ouija 2, i love CARLA, i love Elliot from ET, i love the house itself
over the top? Yes.
but unwatchable? NOT AT ALL.
R: omg wait
For netflix it is a TRIUMPH
R: hairy assed little brother
R: do you mean
R: MICHEL HUISMAN?
R: or some hot 20something!???
HUISMAN is a BABE
R: i need to google now
But the druggie
R: OH HIM
R: oliver jackson cohen
R: i have masterbated to his head
what a BABE
Theyre all babes
R: men are HOT in it
R: you know what though
R: it reminds me off
R: the mood is just off
Modern dad could have been hotter but hey
R: and it is too dark, and it is not scaru
R: it’s not scary!!!
R: that’s BAD
Bobby keeps getting frights!
Its tv so i didnt expect scares
But for tv? Enjoying
i look more for MOOD
And it does that well
R: mood ok
R: you know what im gonna save it for the holidays
R: a big slow horror binge
R: wrapped in my blankets
R: w/ light depression and so much kandi
And then think about this
R: I RESEARCHED THAT TTTTOTOTOOTOTOOOOO
UGH SO HOT
R: ITS ALL ON NFLX
R: FOR US
R: YOU WATCHED?
I just became aware of this seconds ago
R: it looks
R: #CMBYN sensual
Sometimes us gays fantasize things to be real and then it EXISTS
before we TOUCH THAT WITCH how far did you even get in the show
R: wait but
R: ok i only watched the pilot
R: DID YOU ALSO WATCH
R: THE ORIGINAL HOUSEON HAUNTED HILL on prime
Watch until bent neck lady AT LEAST
R: and then realize
R: that the show was based on HAUNTING
R: and we put
i did not ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
R: HAUNTED HILLon our list
R: i felt like bad gays
R: upon realizing that. 😟
but what i did do!!!
Read the shirley jackson source
I DID THAT so my gay sin is absolved
shirley blesses mii
and its not an accurate remake but it is an accurate ADAPTATION
Since the book is all about mental health which the show is
R: OMG YES
R: that’s actually nice
R: So PROPS TO MIKE FLAN
R: ok im officially saving it
A horror classic brought to life: these are our thoughts on the soon-to-be-divisive 2018 remake of Suspiria. Gird your loins.
R: FUCKING BREATHY CUNT SUSPIRIA
let me tell you
R: i actually think
R: we feel similarly
R: it was overlong. a bit overrated. but incredibly beautiful
R: hahahahahahahahaha kyle
We went to see it and were surprised by a Q&A after with LUKA and TILDA and MIA and DAKOTA and JESSICA
R: i have happy death day on in the background and i just cackled cuz you know i love it
R: YOU WENT TO
R: THE Q&A
R: I SAW YOUR INSTA
R: TOO LONG
R: A BABY
R: *A BEAUTY
R: BUT ALSO A BABY
R: AMAZING COLOR
R: it was like
R: a Lars Von Trier pallette
R: but like
not brutal enough for 80% of the film
R: i got BORED and even ANXIOUS in a bad way
R: NOT BRUTAL ENOUGH
Then TOO BRUTAL
R: when it was brutal
Then it went to MOTHER
R: hahahaha im laughing so hard
R: IT DID
R: IT WENT TO MOTHER
AND I WAS MAD
R: I AM DYING
like the nudity killed it
Like everything else? Fine
R: the mirror scene
R: the first death scene
R: 40 mins in
R: one of the most
That was G R E A T
but we waited AN HOUR
R: upsetting things ive ever had to sit through. it is Oscar worthy. it is Antichrist
R: it was SOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOS CARY
R: AND GROSS
R: it’s now one of the few horror movies in history to actually scare me
VERY well done
R: that actress.
R: who is that actress.
Like a horror highlight
R: she is a breakout.
R: a moment to never forget.
R: like theres tree rape in the evil dead, and the garage death in scream, and Olga’s death in new suspiria
All the real horror (minus most of the LOL ending) were a standout
R: random moments to never forget
Like that was truly incredible
R: im still upset
R: it was so good.
R: ok but then
And the like Mia Goth scenes were great
R: SHES GREAT!!!!!
her whole storyline was just GREAT
R: she’s like classic
R: GIRL UNRAVELING
did NOT expect that
R: GIRL BECOMING
R: GIRL ZOMBIFIED
R: ok kyle
ALL THE ABOVE
R: let dissect
R: what was with the zombifying
lots to dissex
R: why did 3 total girls become zombies
R: why zombies. begin
they were like sucking out their life but also for no reason???
like i didnt connect that with the new SUPREME they wanted
that was a stretch
But i didnt hate it!
R: it was distracting
R: i was like just kill them
That whole MOOD within a MOOD was appreciated
R: this isn’t coven
R: WAS GREAT
R: tilda as a man.
R: not for her first time
R: not even her second or third or fourth time
AND IT WAS NOT A GOOD ONE
R: I DIDNT MIND!!!
yes but indeed HER WORST
R: IT WAS JUST PLAYING.
R: she’s like im gonna have fn
R: KYLE WHY
But the only male character who is NEEDLESSLY REDEEMED
I was like go masturbate ELSEWHERE NOT GAY LUCA
R: why was he everywhere
R: why did that chaarcter
R: interview the girls
R: and then
R: stalk the school
R: and then
R: see the dance
R: and then
R: stay for the ritual
R: why why why
R: who was he
R: and why did dakota supreme grant him mercy at the end
R: who WAS HE
Like if you cut him out of the movie it would be a better movie
R: WHY DID WE HAVE TO MEET HIS MOM JESSICA HARPER
THAT MADE ME SO MAD
R: IT WOULD BE A BETTER MOVIE
R: AND SHORTED
R: BY LIKE 30 MINS?
R: I WAS STEAMING
that made it MOTHER
R: kyle no
R: i will not accept that terminology
R: Know that I am a MOTHER-SUPPORTER
like dont preach girl power and then only CARE FOR THE MALE CHARACTER
R: IN THE 2016 ELECTION AND IN THE ARTHOUSE THEATERS
R: IT WILL NOT BECOME A BAD MOVIE VERB
R: NOT IN MY HOUSE
IN MY HOUSE YES
R: omg we should create a mother cocktail
then maybe dont AARON IT
R: and douse ourselves in it while debating
R: and then light a match
its just precum
R: and we and mother will be one.
R: at The Black Cat
R: in silver lake
its already on sale
okay anyway old man useless
But a question
That bobby and i debated
I felt the same way about the german/WWII conceit
It was similarly fussy
And complicated to be complicated
Like he didnt trust the story enough
R: i didnt
R: the baader meinhoff shit
it served the story better than TILDAMAN
R: i also don’t know enough
R: HAHAHAHA TILDAMSN
But was entirely unnecessary
Iike not enough context was offered
R: so it was half assed
TILDAMAN tattoo on my ass
R: Ugh kyle this should’ve been perfect
shit like that pissed me off
R: but it was a little too much self serious gibberish
R: it made us mad!!!!
R: i don’t know what to do
Bobby was like PERFECT BEAUTIFUL GREAT
R: but i know that im gonna watch it a lot in life
And im like I GOT NOTES NOTES AND NOTES
R: except i have to tune out like
R: 40% of it
It is a stunner
R: upon rewatch
R: like i will mute it and wait for the good parts
But you know to do that
R: THE DANCE!!!
R: OHHH THE DANCING KYLE
UGH THE DANCING
R: that one dance
R: WITH THE RED STRAPS
it was great
like it was AFFECTING
R: it was hypnotic.
R: i got scared and antsy
Like the dance was ENOUGH
R: not needed
R: THE DANCE WAS GREAT
R: omg mia goth
R: zombie faint
R: zombie entry number one
R: and dakota being terrified
AND THE LEG CALLBACK
can we talk dakota
so hot take: i LOVE her
R: a bigger splash.
A camp icon
R: ME TOO.
R: WE DO.
R: WE LOVE HER.
R: SHES DARK. AND KNOWING.
She is gay culture
R: AND A BETTER ACTRESS THAN HER ADMITTEDLY ENJOYABLE MOM.
R: she is so evil and good
Not really but she is camp queen
but still not great hut SHE KNOWS
AND SHE USES THE SYSTEM THAT ENABLES HER TO DO THIS
i give props to that
R: she jumps from 50 shades
R: to 50 suspiriums
R: also luca
R: discovered her
R: with a bigger splash
R: YOU HAVE SEEN that right
With tildas hand up her snizz
R: also starring tilda
parts PARTS i admit (bad gay)
R: and a lot of water
R: and a lot of sun
R: no its ok
R: no one saw it
R: but you… must
R: dakota gives
R: the more scintillating performances
She was good!
And like played the role well re camp and sincerity!
The penis scene? Great example
We and the audience big LOL’d that moment
did you think the ending was predictable y/n
R: did you?
Like i saw dakota as MOTHER from the moment the baby drew the line to berlin
Its all i saw
R: holy fuck
R: thats the only hint
R: she was DRAWN TO IT.
Like LUCA could have tried harder with that but it also played into the camp
And that was like ten minutes in
Like fuck she hitchiked from
OHIO to NEW YORK
it was so obvious to me
But i did love that she was so GIVING
R: “i took a bus once”
R: “and then hitchhiked the other times”
And KIND as VAGINACHESTWITCH
R: TWO times
Like as if
You rode a cow??
R: heres why the ending sort of sucked:
R: You’ll Never Believe Why These Six Celebrities Were Disappointed In Suspiria’s Twist
R: if dakota was supreme the entire time
R: did not even tilda
R: why couldn’t ANY of the witch faculty
R: SENSE IT
R: given that they were SO INSANE AND INTUITIVE
Like it played as Dakota As Undercover Boss But A Witch
R: are we supposed to believe they were just STUPID
Which i LOVED but was not believable
R: like tilda teacher is dumb
R: Tildaman sniffed it out
That to me also underlined the film being Not Good For Women
Or like the creative forces didnt consult actual women but like dollhouse’d them
a la tilda’s character was rather 1D
as you note
R: it was dollhoused
R: it was one note
R: in camp value,
R: they did take it way way way far
R: the ending was
R: and smelly
R: and good
It was the movie that never ended tho
I wish someone would have said hey luca stop taking yourself so seriously LOLOLOL
have more fun its HORROR
R: it never ended
R: it’s because it was right after the perfect CMBYN right?
R: it’s the curse of like
R: now you can do anything
R: he filmed it right after
okay well hot take
R: and they were like YOURE GOOD KEEP GOING
I hated CMBYN
Liked this A LOT MORE
luca is just king of “oh you are ____? Let me tell your story!”
I just didnt get why this film was made and written by a man in 2018
Imagine suspiria by like KAREN
R: why wasn’t it
R: WE DID IT
WE DID IT!!!!!!!!!
R: how did we both say karen
R: she’s everywhere
we solved halloween
R: its cuz Destroyer
R: WE SOLVED HALLOWEEN
Lastly, another remake: 2018’s Halloween.
oh my god: we forgot to talk about HALLOWEEN
Whoops! This is what happens when you have a busy October.
Happy Halloween, kids!