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Get Mad: A TV Show Version Of The First Wives Club Is Happening

Remember when it was announced late last year that the cast of the (gay) cult classic The First Wives Club was getting a tangential sequel via a Netflix movie? It was exciting because we would get to see the beloved trio of Bette Midler, Goldie Hawn, and Diane Keaton back at it again. It was great news!

Well, for every bit of good news, there’s some bad news: the announcements buried the lede on that story. Why? Because that new movie was a successful attempt to distract and beat the bad news punch from hitting you in the face, the punch that TV Land is making a show based on the movie. News broke last week and, while “big,” no one was bubbling about this. Why aren’t they? I am personally offended that someone would try to take the original Midler/Hawn/Keaton magic and try to recreate with someone like Hillary Duff. It’s like a glass of flattened champagne: it’s still good (The First Wives Club anything is great!) but it has lost its magic (The original cast!).

This is a terrible idea, people who probably watch Fuller House. Don’t buy the nostalgia raking hype. If you don’t believe me, let’s analyze the pitch from TV Land.

Putting a fresh twist on Paramount’s iconic 1996 film,

I hate this already.

the pilot, to be written by Rebecca Addelman (“New Girl”) and executive produced by Jenny Bicks (“Sex and the City,” “The Big C”),

Oh god: kill me.

will take place in modern day San Francisco.

Of course they’re involved in Silicon Valley, somehow. I bet one will be a tech guru or “app inventor,” one will be a mixologist, and one will be a “high fashion” something in a city where the fashion industry is nil. This is bad.

The story revolves around three women – friends and classmates in the 90s –

AHHHHH!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

who reconnect after their close friend from college dies in a freak accident. When they discover that they are all at a romantic crossroads, they band together to tackle divorce, relationships and life’s other annoying challenges.

OK, that’s exactly the same as the original.

Paramount Television will produce for TV Land.

…but that isn’t the same. That is the bite of all this. That, and the nineties and the San Francisco and the New Girl. Wake up and smell the shit because it’s being rubbed all over your face. Pour out whatever you have and cry. You will hate this when it comes out. It will be terrible.

Let’s enjoy a bright spot via the growing nostalgia tumor in the back of our brains by washing out the news with the original trailer from the film.

Whoops: that was the trailer for the TV Land show Younger.

Here is the trailer from the original movie. Let’s weep into our soup.

God help us.

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