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Get Your Freaky Ass Alien Fuck On

Reading about sexual fetishes, no matter how disgusting or unusual, is always a thrill. Not “sexually thrilling” but a similar thrill to schadenfreude, where I want to know because it is just so damn unusual. I’m fascinated. I kind of want to get involved but, then again, I’m mostly like “LOL: that.” Alien sex is no different.

The fetish is making giant waves online today thanks to an interview on Vice with the creator of an alien sex toy. The idea behind his creations is that you take alien penis representations (dildos) and you stick jelly eggs in the bottom that they ejaculate/vomit inside of you so you become a sack of alien babies (goo). It all seems very slimy and like you have inserted a tiny mouth inside of you that is spitting up its breakfast fully formed inside of you. Sexy.

The Vice interview is with the creator of Primal Hardware, a sex toy company that specializes in these alien junk jewels. Not only does he make ovipositors but also sex tentacles, a dildo that looks like a cactus, and other dicks that might as well be aliens too. He’s unusual, of course, but also a wise businessman.

Before Primal Hardwere, I was creating one-off custom commissions for people who couldn’t find what they were looking for elsewhere. Ovipositors were requested several times, and when I posted YouTube videos demonstrating them, the response was impressive. Tons of people wanted them—and while this is not a fetish of my own, I saw potential for a unique product line.

When god shows you a sexual opportunity no one else is jacking off, you jack it off. Even if it’s alien pee pee. Like John Waters once said, “everyone’s sex life is funny except your own.” This is no exception and, while I’m willing to try most things, invading my body with jelly eggs is not something I’m down with. This just has personal disaster written all over it and, unfortunately, I am not one of those people who get off on humiliation, shitting lube everywhere, or disturbing my interior functions.

Yet, to each their alien freaky ass own. Get that alien dick, people.

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