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HOT TAKE: Duvet Covers Are Dumb

I have been holding this in for months, maybe even years, but it is finally time to say it: duvet covers are dumb, terrible, stupid items of the home. You do not need a duvet cover.

For those unfamiliar, a duvet cover is a bedding item. As the website Crane & Canopy explains via analogy, the “duvet is to duvet cover as pillow is to pillowcase”: it’s a protective covering for a comforter. That’s it.

But, unlike the compact and formed pillow, duvet covers are giant and must contain a fucking slinky sloppy puffy sheet. To get your comforter in the duvet cover involves a lot of funny business: you can dive into the cover with your comforter like some sort of weird bedroom flying squirrel or shove the two together and shake them out or attempt some advanced techniques that involve wrapping up the two into a Swiss cake roll of bedding. It’s dumb hassle.

Atop of this, washing these things are a nightmare since they’re composed of so many layers, making your washing and drying situation a sticky mess of static shocking yet undried material. It’s fucking annoying. If you live in an apartment complex, this is exacerbated by one’s lack of direct washing and drying. Why bother with this barrier if you cannot wash and rewash it with regularity or ease? Pair it with an incontinent dog or small child and you have literally no reason for it besides tufted, stupid, West Elm or Pier 1 inspired furniture flourishes that will reveal themselves as such once someone sees it and remarks, “I saw that at [Insert Affordable Faux Luxury Home Retailer]!” Duvet covers out you as common.

Also, if your bed has a sheet and a blanket on it already then…why do you need a comforter along with a duvet cover? Are you that much of a frail baby that you have to sleep with so many layers? Are you aware of how wasteful air conditioning and the like are? Can you open a window or layer sheets? It might be understandable to have a comforter and cover in a guest room to maintain the appearance of visitational luxury but, in day-to-day use, there are more inventive, creative, easier-to-clean ways to lay. Get a patterned blanket! Throw on a quilt! Use a faux mink! Open up a sleeping bag! Use a god damn electric blanket. These items are all much better because they are self-contained, single planes of sleep being. It isn’t a two dimensional enveloping sleeve to contain a sheet of fluff. You double your work with a duvet and, even if your dog or child pees on it, you’re still going to have to clean your comforter. Just use your fucking comforter, naked, if you must because you will need to clean that regularly as well since both items—the container and the contained—are literally white nonsense. They tell all your secrets in stains.

Duvet covers are wasteful and ridiculous because—unlike pillowcases—they are a nuisance of excess material disguised as luxury home dressing that are more work than they are worth. Invest in a cool blanket—and ditch your duvet.

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