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How Much Is Mark Wahlberg Masturbating? An Investigation.

Have you heard about Mark Wahlberg’s daily routine? It’s terrible.

It is maybe the most offensive thing a human man has done to his body and publicly admitted it. I have read about many a terrible thing a man has done to his body and, yes, it is arguably worse than Tom Brady’s dumbass diet. The robotic Catholic apparently wakes up at 2:30AM, sets time to pray, has a late morning “cryo chamber recovery” time, and is in bed by 7:30PM. As another terrible white man who is our president would say, “Sad!” It’s very sad.

But, in looking at his schedule and that he does indeed have prayer time carved in, I know something for certain: he masturbates a lot. No one who wakes up at 2:30AM to start their day and isn’t self-shaming and self-indulging a la masturbation. No one has that sort of schedule without fudging their fudgsicle.

Which is why I am very curious about when he masturbates during his day. When could he be taking that time to golf his course? Let’s investigate, looking at each entry into his day to see what he might really be doing.

2:30AM Wake Up
How would a near-midnight wake up call affect morning wood? I have no idea but I want to say he probably wakes up with a combination of late night and early morning horniness that quite possible could mean: prime night time boink time. And, given his masculine proclivities, he likely has all his parts working quite well. Thus, the verdict: there is a 7/10 chance he’s self-boning at this time.

2:45AM Prayer Time
I would say this is perhaps a fudged time and that, yes, he’s boinking here. Prayer is something you can do when you are working out! Or when you are eating! It’s a multi-task thing! Thus, he could easily skip this “time of the day” to stem his own rose. He’s definitely getting off on himself at this time. 8 out of 8 Song of Solomon chance he’s doing this, specifically Song of Solomon 8:3: “His left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me!”

3:15AM Breakfast
He’s probably eating sausage so yes and no. 2 out of 6 sausage chance – and none of them are touching each other.

3:40AM to 5:15AM Workout
He’s getting all felt up by his trainer so this is technically foreplay. He is not getting off here. There is as much of a chance he is getting off as a lone man in a steam room which is to say: that dude is waiting for another dude, who is around the corner from the next thing…

5:30AM Post-Workout Meal
This is definitely sausage, which he takes with him to…

6AM Shower
A 6AM shower is normal but this “shower time” is scheduled to be an hour and a half. There’s a lot of shit you can do in this time! It takes fifteen minutes to wash your dirty ass on a bad day. Maybe. So what does he do with the remaining seventy five minutes? Jack it! Jack it! Sit on it! Bop it! Lick that ass o’clock it! Cock sock’n dock it! Shock it! Put it in his (pussy) pocket! There is a 100% chance he’s beefing his beef during this ninety minutes. His sweaty steroid taint sings during this shower time. Must be nice.

7:30AM Golf
Thirty minutes to exchange one pole and balls for another. This is to keep his mind “in the game” but he ain’t jacking it here.

8AM Snack
He’s still recovering from his epic self-sexing shower routine. 0/1 snack chance.

9:30AM Cryo Chamber Recovery
Hell yeah: back on that self-grind. He has an hour dedicated to getting his ass cold and, as a strong man like him would do, he’s trying to push himself where he pushes most: he’s going to be jacking off in sub-50º bathtub, keeping his meat as large as possible in the most unlikely of circumstances. One out of one tubs of boy butter agree: this is a prime time jack time.

10:30AM Snack
Another snack?! Yes, he plans these snack sessions after his self-love sessions to indulge in walnuts, a leading sperm boosting food. Remember: he’s Catholic. He’s in constant training day to make a kid. The roids of the Lord speaking here, clearly. A cracked nut’s chance he’s touching it here.

11AM Family Time / Meetings / Work Calls
This is a diverse time period because some days his family is probably busy (i.e., school) and other days he may not have work. He’s probably all up in himself with a little self-care time here! This multi-slash period is, yet again, another chance for him to get off. 50/50 chance he’s daydreaming of himself here.

1PM Lunch
See? He always schedules a meal after potential he time.

2PM Meetings / Work Calls
Another slash time. Always question it. Stay woke. jizz fam.

3PM “Pick Up Kids @ School”
If Marky Mark is being driven to get his kids, he’s yanking. If he’s driving, he ain’t. Three out of four wheels on a car’s chance he’s spinning himself round.

3:30PM Snack
By this logic, he probably does have a driver and probably is using car time as him time which means: yes, this is the third or fourth time in a day that he probably jacks.

4PM Workout “#2”
After a snack, he’s back into foreplay mode again. He doesn’t stop! Especially when…

5PM Shower
Back to his dang doinks again!!!!!!!! He got foreplay’d and then he playing himself!!!!!!!!! Two out of two shower self-jam sessions!!!! This man is self-savage!!!!!!!!!!!

5:30PM Dinner / Family Time
He is probably praying during this time too so, no, he ain’t jacking.

7:30PM Bedtime
He has at least thirty minutes of “not sleeping” where he is probably masturbating. Start the day hard, finish it hard. He getting it. This self-hating he-man mother fucker. I bet he smells like balls and that gets him off even more. You gross four year old, pre-8PM bed time boy.

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