How Much More Chloë Could Chloë Sevigny’s Directorial Debut Become?

In case you haven’t heard, renowned counter cultural Hollywood actress Chloe Sevigny will be making her directorial debut this year.

The film is called Kitty (#kittythemovie) and sounds interesting. Actually, it sounds very Chloë. Can you imagine what a movie from Chloë would be like? Think about this and then read the way The Hollywood Reporter describes it and see if fact and fiction align.

Based on Paul Bowles’ short story of the same name, the indie shooting in Los Angeles stars Ione Skye, Lee Meriwether and Edie Yvonne as it portrays a little girl who dreams of becoming a kitten and finds herself transformed into one.

That’s what you thought, right? Even if you didn’t think that, you were probably in the ballpark. The movie is the perfect matching of Chloë The Brand with Chloë The Director. It doesn’t get any more Chloë than this!

…or does it? It could get a fuck ton more Chloë. In fact, it should be a fuck ton more Chloë because Chloë is amazing and who every gay man in his twenties had a crush on in high school.

How can it get more Chloë? I’m not sure how it actually could get more Chloë but here are some ways that I assume they will be more Chloë. We will have to wait until Kitty comes out and we will then watch it with champagne in hand, drinking to every time one of these things happens.

• A character with blonde hair tied in a milkmaid braid, bangs tucked behind the ears.
• Painted body parts, most likely eyes on hands that will “see” the truth and serve as a metaphor that hints at the need for youthfulness.
• A face full of thick milk, drip dropping the tip of a nose and coating hair and falling off shoulders, onto arms and legs
• Some big flopper of a hat.
• A playful means to address contemporary ailments like cellphones, perhaps with a wooden phone case or someone flippantly mentioning a hashtag or maybe just an iPad (pronounced “Aye P’had”) that Kitty will play with like a Kitty when she is still a girl.
• A very tiny teacup.
• Quite an extensive dream sequence in which cats walk on two legs and wear cute little clothes and have cute little tea parties and maybe talk and maybe they are actually illustrated in the same exact style as Watership Down and one of theme even mentions, “This is funny because it’s a lot like Watership Down.”
• Someone watching a movie on film.
• The color red, splashed around a room and on walls and just lighting up everything, perhaps from a lamp in the father’s office that Kitty will walk in on and the father will be growling at her and Kitty will get scared and she will jump behind the door and the father will bare his teeth and this will symbolize a loss of innocence or that she will get a period.
• A woman who isn’t wearing a bra.
• A scene in which a bunch of people eat a lot of raw seafood at home and it is opulent and it is sticky and wet and someone slurps and sucks out meat from a shell and there will be a pearl found in an oyster.
• Someone’s fucking zoomed in on labia.
• A bowl cut but on a woman, probably a little girl who will be Kitty’s friend and you will wonder if the friend is actually living in 1979 but the question will never be answered.
• A pelt, perhaps of a dog.
• Miu Miu sunglasses.
• A conversation between two adults about spaying and neutering dogs with a reference to Bob Barker but Bob Barker’s name will never actually be spoken but there will instead be a hypocoristic name for him like “the television man” or “the right price man.”
• A small dinner of a vegan songbird.
• Paisley.
• A very long scene where people will talk about whiskers on the face and there will be overlapping conversation and you will lose track of what types of whiskers they are talking about and maybe someone will drink whisky which will confuse the matter even more.
• The illusion of a mouse.
• Female armpit hair.
• The idea of one of the Rodarte sisters, perhaps manifested by one of their Baroque disco furs.
• Sandals with socks.
• In a third act twist, the little girl will grow into Chloë Sevigny—The person.—and it will be revealed that Chloë Sevigny—The person.—is actually an Abyssinian with extremely humanoid features and we will applaud and go, “Huh. How did we not see that coming?”

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