I’m 100% Sure Halo Top Is Going To Give Me Colon Cancer But, Damn, That Shit Is Good

Halo Top, oh great ice cream of low calories and high protein. Halo Top, you well designed dessert delight. Halo Top, educator in cold comforts. Halo Top, you will give me cancer.

For the unfamiliar, Halo Top is a popular ice cream. It’s trendy. It’s healthy. But is it really ice cream? I have my doubts since something that can taste this good can be so “good for you.” I have a feeling it’s creamy goodness is going to slide all over my body, eroding my insides as I lap away at pints with glee.

So what’s in the stuff? Here’s how it’s made, in their own words.

We use organic stevia. Stevia is a plant native to Paraguay that’s been used to sweeten foods and beverages for more than 200 years. And, because it’s so tasty, we use it as a sugar replacement. We also use Erythritol, which though it has a rather scientific-sounding name, is actually another all-natural sweetener found in fruits like pears and grapes. Though it’s technically a sugar alcohol, it’s unlike the others because erythritol doesn’t affect blood glucose or cause bloating.

Stevia, erythritol, sugar alcohol: what can it mean?

Let’s ask Today about how these things affect our bodies.

Because sugar alcohols are not completely absorbed in the digestive system, they ferment in the intestines, causing bloating, gas, pain and often diarrhea. Not everyone experiences these symptoms, but if you’re one of the 58 million people in the US with irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) you are very likely to experience these woes.

Oh sweet, sweet delicious shits. Those can’t be that great for you.

And what about sugar alcohols? Well, according to the Mayo Clinic, sugar alcohols like erythritol help with weight control and diabetes. Good! But what else do they do? More shits. Oy. Oy! But, really, we all shit and have had bad shits: this little side effect isn’t that bad at all.

Still, this non-threatening dessert delight is just too good to be true. Perhaps it is The Stuff from the movie The Stuff, a sentient alien dessert intended to mind control the masses. Or, perhaps it really is a loophole in sweets that people have been waiting for aided by technology. I wasn’t waiting for it though. I have always hated ice cream. I was a strict cookie or small cake person – Or no desserts at all! – until Halo Top came around, trending with oodles of good and bad flavors. I saw the Instagram posts. I tried it. I got sucked in.

It have tried many flavors – vanilla, salted caramel, birthday cake, cookies n cream – and just adore the way that the stuff tastes. Yet, despite multi-layered differences, they all start tasting the same. I still buy though. It’s the way it looks! Their packaging is like a cool magazine that I’d like to write for. I’ve eaten the Top on hot days. I’ve eaten the Top on cold days. I have eaten the Top. I am a Top, a Halo Top, and I will probably most likely go to their forthcoming Los Angeles stores and supplicate myself to wholesome, shit inducing, low-cal creams.

I am not alone here either. Halo Top is not a secret but a national cult, our shared scatological indulgence. Los Angeles Times explains.

Halo Top has exploded into surprising market dominance. Halo Top recently bested stalwarts Ben & Jerry’s and Haagen-Dazs for the top sales spot in its niche — grocery store ice cream pints.

How? Why? Can you believe this? Do you believe this? Do our parents believe this? Do our parents’ toilets believe this?

It’s the calories. It’s the erythritol. It’s the cold creamy stuff that goes into us and comes out as our own homemade soft serve. Halo Top is good but I promise you it will one day go milkshake duck, becoming a health hazard after we’ve walked down the road too far with it.

But will it matter? Will we care that our colons are rotting from the inside out as this fake-real ice cream dribbles from our mouths like pale blood? No. We will not care. It is Halo Top, the great ice cream equalizer. It taught me to love ice cream. I know it will kill me. But, alas, I eat, I scoop, I slobber, I Top.

Photo via.

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