I’m Sorry But Here Are Some Furries Voguing.

Furries. We all know them, we all love them.

Voguing. We all know about it, we all love it.

Furry voguing? Yes, that is a thing. I present you two videos from a dance competition at a furry convention in 2015 where two furries – a dalmatian and a wolf – attempted to serve canine realness at one of the strangest balls you have never seen. While I thought Russian preteen voguing was strange, this resets the playing field: I dare you to find a more mismatched ballroom combination than “furries” and “voguing.” (Straight people do not count.)

First, we have Dalmy the dalmatian. The animal impersonator is doing a combination routine that conjures bits of dance from Legendary Janese, Allison Prodigy, and others. These aren’t just Paris Is Burning figures but niche, super specific ball personalities since Legendary and Allison are very specific, local performers that even people like myself have not heard of. These furries are doing their damn work, going deep into the rabbit hole of ball cutlure.

Also: the routine is set to a Shangela song. Yes, a Shangela song.

Am I disappointed? No. Dalmy actually delivers the goods. I’m quite impressed. But am I pleased? No. It’s like global warming: yeah, sure, it’s nice to have subtropic weather in Winter but I know this is doing us more harm than good and probably will cause some low boiling trauma within me.

In the next corner, we have Tobias the wolf. The animal person is conjuring similar performers but for a much briefer a performance.

Again. I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed. The floppy, dumb hands. The stiff, undancing fur. The bulbous, smiling canine heads that offers little urgency to this queer fight choreography. All the sweat. Imagine how sour it smells in there. Imagine all the Cheeto™ dust on the paws. Imagine – Imagine! – that furries are the new queers and that the world will evolve where human sex practitioners versus fake animal actors and sex practitioners are what divide humanity. That’s not a world I’m ready for nor a world I want to be in.

But who would win this runway battle? I am no expert in the emerging art of furry voguing but Dalmy served it a little more than Tobias. Sorry, queer humanoid plushies! Also, you know these aren’t the only two voguing furries. You also know that, upon seeing this, other furries wanted in on this style. These two were probably not even the first to participate in these public House Of Canid balls! Wow. I hate this.

This is a very 2018 discovery. The year all things good becoming not-good. We should not be surprised. That may not have been the intended thesis for furry voguing but that’s certainly the subtext. I’m sorry to have brought this to your attention. I refuse to suffer through this by myself, to go it alone as my brain is burning.

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