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J.Lo Uses Black Magic

Someone once told me that Jennifer Lopez visits a witch coven in Echo Park who put curses on her to keep her young. I did not believe them. I thought that was a Hollywood joke and that witches are not real. They are real. It’s all true: J.Lo uses black magic.

As you can see, she is not aging. She is 46. Can you believe that? 46. She is almost your mom’s age. Clearly, she is seeing witches in Echo Park. These witches are keeping her young.

My friend told me J.Lo herself visits them, too. She doesn’t have some assistant go: Jennifer gets her ass to East (“East”) LA and she does her face time for her aging magic. Does she sit on a couch and sing for these witches as they stand over a pot in their cramped kitchen and boil various herbs and sticks and bones left by coyotes in their backyard until it becomes a warm cream? I bet they smear it on her face. They probably take a lot of pride in telling J.Lo, “No. We do the cream.” J.Lo smiles and laughs at them and is probably like, “Touch whatever you want: I don’t age!” Can you believe how she looks? It’s black magic.

Clearly, these witches are doing good work. Who are these witches? Maybe Jennifer Lopez is a witch. Is this related to Santaria? Or has she found discovered that the joke of Death Becomes Her is that it’s actually a documentary? Who knew these witches were in Echo Park and not Malibu?

I wonder about these witches as well. Are they pretty and young themselves? Or are they old and shit and “witchy”? Also, how much is J.Lo paying for this? A lot? I assume a lot. Maybe one of her children is being sacrificed for this? Or maybe writers who out her Echo Park witches? This is her face we are talking about. These witches aren’t stupid either: they know who she is. Maybe J.Lo just is undead? Maybe she is so not-alive that she doesn’t age. Has anyone actually seen Jennifer Lopez as a child? Maybe it’s actually her butt that is helping her stay young. (Also, if we’re being honest: I never really thought her butt looked that great. Big? Not really. Round? Sure. All butts are round! Maybe these witches are behind the J.Lo Butt Is Great And Needs To Be Insured buzz.)

Jennifer Lopez uses black magic but is not a witch. Those witches are in Echo Park. I wonder if I am going to get a cease and desist delivered by an owl. Please contact me witches. Don’t put me in a J.Lo stew, though. I just want to know that you are real. I’ve doubted you before but now I do not.

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