Let Us Go On A Lohan Holiday

Somewhere, there are people like me. There are people who, around December, they start thinking about that one thing, that one special thing, that one Christmas thing that most people have forgotten or never knew about but is a very, very important detail of the season. I’m talking about the song “Lohan Holiday.”

On the occasion of Lindsay Lohan’s younger sister Ali “Aliana” Lohan’s pre-Christmas birthday, I wanted to celebrate this seasonal celebration.

“Lohan Holiday” is the lead single off of “Aliana”‘s 2006 debut album of the same name that, for whatever reason, the world has been trying to smother. The album featured twelve songs like “I Like Christmas” and “Groove Of Christmas” and boasted guest spots from Amy Grant and Lohan matriarch, Dina Lohan. But, friends, it is the song “Lohan Holiday” that makes this season bright.

The song details what it’s like to have a holiday with the Lohan family from the youngest daughter of the family’s cheery point of view. “Let me take you on a Lohan holiday,” it begins. “A winter wonderland that’s oh so far away.” There are some wild claims in the song about this Lohan holiday utopia (“A place everybody smiles”; “Where everything you’ll ever want is for free just believe”) that appear to cover up reality. It’s fitting, in the year of the devil that is 2017, to recall a song from the past that was designed for us to be too distracted to “look behind the curtain.” Sadly, it fails at that: the song instead very much underscored what it doesn’t mean to be a Lohan.

2006 was the year that “broke lead actress Lindsay Lohan’s winning streak” by the box office numbers, when the actress’ partying interrupted her acting. “Lohan Holiday” was poised to be the catapulting for a new brand of Lohan, for Ali to become the predecessor to a new ginger kingdom in the sky. Sadly, this did not happen. The family was dogged at this time by drama of the pre-Living Lohan variety. As a New York Times article about Dina Lohan summed up from the top down: “She is separated from her husband, Michael, who is currently in prison for attempted assault and drunken driving.” That was what it must have been like to have a “Lohan Holiday,” to have a family under the shadow of paparazzi bulbs and different types of snow. This was the beginning of the subtle universe chorus of, “Stop trying to make Ali Lohan happen.”

The song has made the rounds on some “Remember when??” publications, from Buzzfeed to Huffington Post, and all traces of the once wintry music video with Ali Lohan poking her face around a forest have been yanked from the Internet. Instead, we’re left with audio of the video – where Lindsay Lohan can be heard cooing backup vocals – and news that a rebranded “Aliana” will be delivering new music soon. This is great news, especially for fans like “bongparty” who left such glowing reviews on “Lohan Holiday” via the song’s lone comment on YouTube:

Here’s hoping there will one day be a sequel to this song. For now, let us celebrate. Let us wander back with this ghost of Christmases passed. Let us try to have a Lohan holiday, hopefully one without dramatics and without the crash that comes after. 2017 has been hard enough.

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