Three day weekend, baby! Saturday Valentine Barack Obama, dudes.

And? What are some things you should know before then?

• Porn made by women is very different from man-made porn, which is to say you should watch it and get plunged by a big fake dick. McScuse me? It’s true, weird dog.
• While fat-shaming is very real, being okay with being fat is the new frontier. The bigger body, like JCPenny, just can’t catch a break. Like a forgotten pup, it’s sad.
• What new horrors should you be aware of? The trend eating monsters that are the female fuccboi, those wannabe Yeezy models who wear non-Yeezy shit. They are not cool. What is cool? Well, France’s view on extra food, bubble beards, and Beyonce of Pasadena.
• Will you be my Valentine? LOL.

Got that? Great!

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