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Loglines For Milan Spring 2017 Fashion Week

Yes, fashion weeks are upon us but they’re also nearing their end. Let’s mourn the more-than-halfway point with loglines for the recently closed Milan Fashion Week.

• Max Mara: Sticky, itchy Miami tennis club sofas in the Summer of 1989.
• Ports 1961: If you combined The White Stripes with Bananas In Pajamas.
• Emilio Pucci: Putting your face way too close to a television set to SMPTE color bars and slowly pulling your face away.
• Prada: A vintage store that specializes in 1970s apparel vomited various notions from clothing and someone sewed them all together.
• Moschino: 2D clothing photocopies of past collections made in the image of leggings that look like jeans but aren’t actually jeans. They’re just photos of jeans printed on fabric. (NOTE: This is fun but not really interesting but also troubling that all the “dolls” are white…?)
• Gucci: The wandering sagas of the ornate, kooky Italian cat woman continues into the streets of the future.
• Dolce & Gabbana: Wanting so badly to be Gucci but not succeeding.
• Fendi: Details of a Gucci dress from Spring 2016.
• Dsquared2: Combination Thierry Mugler / Gucci party on the top, bleach spilled jeans on the bottom.
• Alberta Ferretti: Tiered tree skirts for a subtle counter cultural Christmas.
• Giorgio Armani: Water flowing over a photo of flowers on an old television screen.
• Diesel Black Gold: Tina Knowles designs for the Spice Girls.
• Etro: Tripping at Woodstock, fantasizing about black and white cookies.
• Tod’s: Enleathered Joni Mitchell scissoring Twiggy.
• Versace: “Yes, I watched the trailer for The Neon Demon. It looks so good!!”
• Bottega Veneta: Luxurious leather Banana Republic.
• Jil Sander: The wardrobe of Rose from Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead.
• Leitmotiv: Party with the dollar store tablecloths.
• Marni: Running on the tarmac to make it to your small plane but your luggage is sewn onto your clothing.
• Laura Biagiotti: Palm Springs candy striping.
• Salvatore Ferragamo: Over stretched fabric from 2002 that is starting to fade.
• Trussardi: Barbie’s dream adulthood.
• Missoni: Woodsy Missoni without Missoni.

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