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Loglines For New York Fall 2016

Another week, another fashion! This time it’s New York forecasting what it sees for next Fall. Lots of good, lots of OK, lots of -____-.

• Ralph Lauren: Tweed blankets with leather trim that are sewn together with bright velvet thread.
• Narcisco Rodriguez: Blankets as everything—but not great blankets.
• ATM Anthony Thomas Melillo: So many nice Malibu mom ways to make your boobs look flat.
• Cynthia Rowley: Vintage baby flower garden made of velvet.
• Anna Sui: Vintage baby flower garden but rock and roll.
• Rosetta Getty: All the different things the grandmother in Flowers In The Attic would wear before she beat you and your siblings.
• Marchesa: All the different ways that sea vegetation can grow on bags lost at sea.
• Hood By Air: Literally flight and leisure, which is literally hood by air.
• DKNY: Hood By Donna Karen (HBDKNY).
• Babyghost: Grunge Urban Outfitters Baby By Air.
• Gypsy Sport: Intergalactic chola rules the world!
• Fenty X Puma X Rihanna: Holy Rihanna game day hood ghetto goth somehow still.
• Vera Wang: Vera By Rodarte Air.
• Proenza Schouler: If your shoe collection grew legs and decided that they wanted to pretend to put on a Rodarte show.
• Boss Women: Bad vaginal Rodarte for basic moms.
• Rodarte: If Rodarte did The Matrix or Dia De Los Rodarte.
• Nicopanda: The floor after a 2006 rave revival party where Steed Lord played.
• Katie Gallagher: Neither The Row nor Victoria Beckham.
• The Row: Either really intense art curators on their off day or power lesbians on a really on day or Tilda Swinton’s day out.
• Victoria Beckham: Nautical puff punk.
• Naeem Khan: Doodle Great Gatsby Baroque. (This is fab.)
• M Missoni: A bored extra in a scene from Austin Powers.
• Michael Kors: All those beautiful things in your mother’s closet that she hasn’t worn since she was a true power blazer wearing working woman that have since aged and gotten tattered but they kind of look cool that way. (This is great for a Kors collection.)
• Brandon Maxwell: What Julianne Moore or Alfre Woodard would wear if they played a high powered political figure or mystic in a future science fiction movie.
• Oscar De La Renta: All the couches had little baby couches and all the baby couches went to little baby couch prep schools in baby couch New York City and all the baby couches’ mamas talked about how cute they were and how dimpley their little baby couch leather cheeks and tapestry prints became and, some day, the baby couch mamas waxed, the baby couches will become adult couches.
• Coach: Uhhhhhh…Raf Simons? Is that you? (While I’ve been generally so, so digging these new Coach collections, this one is super redundant and repetitive. Nice texture tension but what else?)
• APC: That rich WASPy girl in your college who would wear leather boots with track pants and you hated her for doing that but you also kind of loved her for it.
• Trademark: Some fat fringe for your artsy minj.
• Tory Burch: A designer’s romance with harlequins.
• Rag & Bone: Yeah, military flight people. We get it. (I’m so over them.)
• 3.1 Phillip Lim: Military night watch in the Japanese garden.
• Tommy Hilfiger: Sailor mood. (This is a pretty adorable collection.)
• Libertine: Like every Libertine collection ever.
• Jeremy Scott: Jeremy Scott does Jeremy Scott plus cowboys and Ren & Stimpy.
• threeASFOUR: Gareth Pugh does jazzercise.
• Zac Posen: Drapey drape the drape drapes, McCurtain Cape.
• Reem Acra: To a group of eager, fashion hungry banshees, “Look at all these wonderful things you can wear!!!”
• Thom Browne: Schoolgirls and school moms lost in the wind, puppies in tow. (Love this.)
• Red Valentino: Yipes! Stripes!
• Elie Tahari: Morticia Adams of the Upper East Side.
• McQ Alexander McQueen: Bored baby leather teen.
• Creatures Of Comfort: All this nice fuzzy stationary in the stationary store.
• Trina Turk: Breakfast At Trina-y’s.
• Yeezy Season Three: Yeezy Seasons One and Two but now with oranges and blues and a little red.
• Kate Spade: Some women ready for brunch and ready to talk about nice dangly things and ready to buy flowers so they can take them home and put them on a table and Instagram them and tag “Central Park.”
• Steven Alan: Gaucho nightie new J.Crew.
• J.Crew: Some nice fun with color blocking and fun with proportions and a cool fur coat but, still why are the men like sad dock workers.
• Assembly New York: Artsy Europeans visiting people in New York.
• Polo Ralph Lauren: I mean, what the fuck do you expect from this? This is the same fucking shit that’s been happening for fucking decades. There are fucking seventy two looks and they all look the same.
• adam selman: Disco Hot Topic.
• Christian Siriano: A weaving of inspiration.
• Alexander Wang: Literally riot girls.
• Monique Lhuillier: Dream a garden on your clothing.
• Rachel Zoe: Preppy eighties Pride & Prejudice LA live.
• Public School: The denim curtains match the denim drapes.
• Opening Ceremony: Space by way of an early 2000s Korean girl band.
• Diane Von Furstenberg: Elle Fanning as Jodie Foster in Cab Driver.
• Karen Walker: Shelly Duvall in a one woman performance of her parts in The Shinning but only with the colors red, purple, olive, and warm browns.
• The Elder Statesman: Coffee shop cardigan cool.
• Marc Jacobs: That Raf show plus that Coach show plus that Rihanna show plus Rodarte slice-em-ups distilled down into a sad catty woman. So, basically, Miss Spink and Miss Forcible from Coraline. (This is a great collection, Jacobs’ best in a while.)
• Calvin Klein: That Marc Jacobs show but like minimal and stuff.
• Clover Canyon: More subtle interpretations of California coastal horizons.
• The Blonds: Remember Charlotte Free?
• Jill Sander Navy: Art gallery worker in dark blues.

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