Loglines For New York Fashion Week, Spring 2016

New York Fashion Week is happening now. How have the shows been? Some have been great! Some have not been great. If you have been looking for a speedy guide of what to watch and what to pass on, here are some loglines for the current collections. Take these as sweeping descriptions for the week’s runway shows, quick critiques for you to grab and go with.

Note: I’ll be updating this list later in the week as the shows are ongoing.

Gypsy Sport: Alien babies of future past.
Proenza Schouler: Delightfully shrugged off.
Calvin Klein: Girl, you slippin’.
Marc Jacobs: It’s 1978. You’re drunk at prom. You have a vision. You are in the future. You are wearing both Vivienne Westwood and Rodarte. Someone bleaches half of you. You turn into a wrap dress. You wake up and you cancel Marc By Marc Jacobs.
Theory: Nice minimalist leather fanny pack.
Clover Canyon: “Please pick which topping you would like for your Sherbert Baby.”
Cynthia Rowley: Memories of Summer for Winter.
Ralph Lauren: Mostly the same Lauren but there is a mini-moment where a pattern fell into a blender and it was cool.
Yeezy: Albino army with better shoes than last time.
Greg Lauren: Yeezy for Kohl’s.
J.Crew: Cutesy Gingham Stripey Yeezy.
threeASFOUR: 3D printed monk Yeezy.
The Blonds: Gay lizards.
Proenza Schouler: Black and white photo graphs of reefs taken in 1984.
Marchesa: Tulle wrapped meat and cupcakes.
All Saints: 22 reasons to quit religion.
Alice + Olivia: Arizonan flamenco dancers.
Nanette Lapore: Lindsay Lohan for Ungaro, II.
Oscar De La Renta: Flower power that isn’t strong enough.
Serena Williams Signature Statement: One time, I got invited to a Vanity Fair Pre-Oscar party hosted by Victoria Beckham and there were a lot of A+ list celebrities present like Eva Longoria and Kate Beckinsale but the two most attractive, most arresting, and most breathtaking were Venus and Serena Williams. They were these shiny giantesses who you couldn’t keep your eyes off of, who had a sexy understated elegance that overshadowed all the little women in the room who were too concerned with being dainty. I learned this night that being dainty is overrated.
Diesel Black Gold: “If we make everything heavy, the company won’t float away!!”
Sophie Theallet: This is how you do safari for everybody, Junya Watanabe.
Rodarte: Almost Famous reenacted by drunk people at Studio 54 and lace wood nymphs.
• Tommy Hilfiger: Not too flattering things inspired by island clichés.
Vera Wang: tfw you forget your pants but remember your sports bra.
Badgley Mischka: “Butterflies for spring? Groundbreaking.”
Polo Ralph Lauren: Dylan’s Candy Bra.
• Carolina Herrera: Nice dresses for paper dolls.
• Elie Tahari: “You’re going to love the new Chico’s Coachella collaboration!”
• Opening Ceremony: Pom poms and paper strips left next to a bonsai tree.
• Prabal Gurung: Different types of Koi fish hung by spaghetti straps.
• Diane Von Furstenberg: Disco Morocco™
• Thakoon: Getting distracted by sequins halfway through your indigo dyeing workshop.
• Hood By Air: Attacked By Seat Belts
• Derek Lam: “This week on Project Runway, you’ll be making looks for Mennonite art teachers.”
• Public School: A futuristic tribe of New Age deities who have a thing for elastic cinching.
• Monique Lhuillier: The daintier version of that Prada show and that Rodarte show.
• Creatures Of The Wind: Uhh…same?
• Victoria Beckham: A suede endless Summer.
• Alexander Wang: Grunge stripe athletic bondage.
• Christian Siriano: Shiny, stringy, feathery angel brides.
• Altuzarra: Tie-dye crepe and company.
• Hérve Léger: Every other Hérve Léger show ever.
• Rebecca Minkoff: That girl in your homeroom who is sooooooo cool because she dresses sooooooo sixties.
• Betsey Johnson: Floral, punk, cupcake, not-Jeremy-Scott disaster.
• Givenchy: Bored restaurant hosts who are still in high school.
• Lacoste: Trying to be that House Of Holland and that Opening Ceremony collection.
• Assembly New York: The same French thing over and over and over again.
• Nicole Miller: Literally a bathroom wall.
• Adam Selman: Things Rihanna will wear.
• Jason Wu: Ruffles and peek-a-boos.
• Raquel Allegra: Things to wear to/from post-modern dance rehearsal.
• Kate Space: Spring things.
• Trina Turk: Things To Wear In Palm Springs, For The Twentieth Year.
• Creatures Of Comfort: “The Sun Storm, the long awaited Summer sequel to Ang’s Lee The Ice Storm.”
• VFiles: Vintage Zipper Disaster. Underwear Bear. Suspended Diaper.
• LC Lauren Conrad: Kiera Knightley, ten years ago.
• Daniel Silverstain: Rose gold, silver, and Legos.
• 10 Crosby Derek Lam: Building Block bags with table cloth dresses.
• M Missoni: Candy store crochets.
• ZAC Zac Posen: Nice but boring things.
• Zac Posen: A surprisingly playful and deconstructed way of making typical evening dresses.
• Rag & Bone: Sporty Spice.
• Karen Walker: Golden dungaree Hitchcock extras.
• 3.1 Phillip Lim: Military wives composting recently deceased flowers.
• Jil Sander Navy: Color combinations and drawstring dresses.
• Thom Browne: Thom Browne Does Electrocuted Thom Browne
• Jeremy Scott: The fingerprints of television commercial for a Barbarella Barbie.

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