Loglines For NYFW Spring 2017 RTW

Let’s all reflect on the fashion offerings New York Fashion Week is projecting for Spring 2017. There’s a lot going on so prepare yourself for a tour of aesthetic mishmashes. These are the loglines and brief summations of the fashions shown.

• Oak: Normcore goth, circa two Summers ago.
• Yeezy: Sweaty thighs and more of the same.
• Tom Ford: All those clothes I’d find in my mom’s closet in the early nineties, that I’d pull out and go, “When were these from?” and she’d look out the window, toward the seventies, and say, “A long time ago.”
• Vfiles: The Adult Baby Parade, in several movements.
• Creatures Of The Wind: Little animals creeping around a velveteen fruit grove.
• Adam Selman: Soda pull tabs and licked cotton candy sticks left where the parking lot meets the sand.
• Creatures Of Comfort: “Oh, yes, yes…this is the part of the gallery that I curated.”
• Orla Kiley: Brown flowers, 1970s, Jan Brady’s mood board.
• Tanya Taylor: Orla Kiley’s showing but actually fun.
• Jason Wu: “We did it, Professor, we did it: the cross-pollinating between the bouquet of daisies, a power suit, and newly plastic packaged toilet paper rolls was a success!!”
• Akris: The lobby at The Parker Palm Springs.
• Nicole Miller: Pac-Man played out in Marrakech.
• Oscar De La Renta: A timeline of fashion history by a subtle Marrakech design school.
• Cynthia Rowley: A really pretty anime that you found on Netflix late at night, about talking animals who fix things for humans at night.
• Club Monaco: The person at work who dresses like they are in Working Girl but in a cool way.
• Lacoste: If Victoria’s Secret ever did a boxing collection.
• Diane Von Furstenberg: “Yes, there are even stripes and perforations on the hemlines too.”
• Christian Siriano: That one, crazy, unnecessarily fancy outfit you bring for your tropical vacation.
• Self-Portrait: Variations On A Button; or The Missing Piece.
• Banana Republic: Less Republican than usual but never to be seen in an actual store.
• Band Of Outsiders: “What if that Raf Simons collection from a year ago actually fit?
• Victoria Beckham: Effervescent formalwear for Kiera Knightley’s character in Troy.
• Eckhaus Latta: The future, in towels.
• Hood By Air: If Tommy Hilfiger™ advertisements in 2001 Teen People were put in detention and covered in lube.
• J.Crew: Japanese country New Yorker.
• Gypsy Sport: Queer Space Jam.
• Pyer Moss: Honestly, the next generation of active formalwear.
• Prabal Gurung: Paintings by Sam Francis reincarnated in dresses.
• Opening Ceremony: The United Nations Of Funny Baby Dolls…WITH WHOOPI!!!!!
• Timo Weiland: Big animal prints but, like, the prints aren’t big: the clothing is.
• Carolina Herrera: Come for the denim ball gown, stay for the formalized explosion of basics.
• Jeremy Scott: What the future was thought to be in 1980s NYC.
• Proenza Schouler: American Balenciaga™.
• 3.1 Phillip Lim: Spring snakeskin pudding.
• Serena Williams Signature Statement: Bodycon business baddest bitch.
• Thom Browne: The possession of an American by Alessandro Michele.
• Libertine: Wacky Wacko goes Great Britain.
• Rag & Bone: Fading into the darkness of prep school.
• Tory Burch: A horde of Miami paisley peasants.
• Alexander Wang: Lost your damn mind inside of a linen highlighter.
• Rodarte: Prairie disco dolls.
• Alice + Olivia: Alice In Madrid—Err.—Wonderland
• Monique Lhuillier: Flutes of champagne caught in beads.
• Coach: Biker punk but, like, in a cute way.
• Brandon Maxwell: A lot of looks with Michelle Obama in mind.
• KITH: Yeah, it’s streetwear.
• Michael Kors: I Love The 70s
• Assembly New York: Marla Hooch grows confidence and embraces her quirks.
• Ralph Lauren: Buy! Now! Cowboy! Gown!

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