Loglines For Paris Fashion Week, Spring 2016

Paris fashion week already?! Jesus. I feel like all of them have really blurred together this year or that my timeline has been upended by business. In any event, here are your loglines for all the biggest Spring 2016 Paris fashion shows. They’ll briefly describe all the new aesthetics for you.

• Kenzo: Lacey, patterny gladiators with bags fixed to them.
• Ungaro: Sexy tri-toned lace garden.
• Celine: “Uhh…um…ma’am? You need to—Um.—pull up your camisole? I can—Uhh.—see your nipples.”
• Mugler: “Your simple Balmain suit is falling off, ma’am.”
• John Galliano: Sheer, polka dotted warriors of marching band.
• Alexander McQueen: Bad body chains, good body ruffles. (Also, shout out to Susie Bubble modeling in the background.)
• Martin Grant: An early Spring fancy denim day for Kate Middleton.
• APC: Tom Boy Duck Feet.
• Hermes: The body as two toned graph paper study.
• Sonia Rykiel: Dainty, subdued ugly, festive, messy women.
• Saint Laurent: Elle Fanning as a bored child rockstar drug addict.
• Tom Ford: Oh, so this is what Saint Laurent wishes it was.
• Paul & Joe: If you fold 1985 Miami with 2015 Los Angeles, you get this.
• Shiatzy Chen: If Murakami did buttons.
• Valentino: Beautifully boxed up thoughts—but some of them are racist.
• Agnés B.: Minimally boring travel.
• Chanel: Grandma is traveling with some fucking cool sunglasses.
• Nina Ricci: Nice aprons made out of nice trash bags.
• Comme des Garçons: This is fashion. This is 100000% fashion. This is why you look at fashion shows. This is what fashion always should be. This is what I looked out for and hoped to see as a child looking at fashion design books. This is what fashion should always be. This is fashion.
• Rick Owens: All of the above multiplied by new minimalist combativeness.
• Vivienne Westwoodd: “Ladies and gentlemen, The Fabulous Stains have grown up.”
• Acne: Heavy sandaled texture tension with more adult Stains.
• Elie Saab: Edgy Kate Spade.
• Junya Watanabe: 3D printed future nurses.
• Balenciaga: Alexander Wang wanted to make a lot of saggy boobed wedding dresses, I guess.
• Isabel Marant: Really? More African, tribal inspired stuff from mostly white models? The silver is nice, though.
• Christian Dior: Deconstructed, utilitarian flowers for sweaters and dresses.
• Issey Miyake: A little fringe on the prairie.
• Lanvin: Frayed, old Chanel.
• Balmain: Kim Kardashian is going to be so ready for 1986.
• Chloé: Chloé X Oakland’s only Lululemon.
• The Row: All wrapped up for your fancy purse.

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