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Loglines For Spring 2017 Menswear

Where have you been, fashion shows? I thought you’d never return! I guess menswear fashion weeks are officially a thing so let’s explore the current crop of shows for what we’ll be wearing next year at basically this time.

• Songzio: Jackson Pollock Executive Realness.
• Christopher Kane: Best plaid man.
• Coach: Gary Baseman for Coachfor men.
• Katie Eary: Furry barracuda watermelon beach.
• Joseph: Semi-formalwear moves to Los Angeles.
• Maison Mihara Yasuhiro: “Dude. This mismatched junk is for bowling—not military auto repair in Rebel Without A Cause.”
• Sibling: Jeremy “Pool Bro” Scott.
• Moschino: Hippie Mata Hari.
• KTZ: Not a Leather Daddy but a Leather Baby.
• Belstaff: Not a Leather Daddy but a Leather No Stop Don’t Wear This Leather Or You’ll Look Like You’re Doing Bad Early Aughts Callbacks A La Colin Farrell.
• Christopher Raeburn: Reduce, Reuse, Raeburn.
• Christopher Shannon: Billie Jean Ping. (NOTE: This is Miley Cyrus.)
• Margaret Howell: Understated Franco Japanese schoolboy. (NOTE: This is me in a collection.)
• Fausto Puglisi: Guido gladiator. (NOTE: This is not a bad thing.) (Or is it?)
• J.W. Anderson: Flying into baby bib territory but cool baby bib aviatorness. (NOTE: This is why I love how fab and weird and great J.W. is.)
• Casely Hayford: Paisley pastel pastimes. (NOTE: This is weird because it was slightly “African,” exaggerated with the dark skinned models? Uncomfortable.)
• Richard James: Easter Sunday, everyday.
• Lou Dalton: Light and dark and every exaggerated lanyard wallet in between.
• Oliver Spencer: Dark red, dark green, inspired by baseball cuts.
• Topman: Like everything here, this is red and green riffs with a basic and weird forms pastel Easter trend piece.
• Craig Green: Your typical head-encased Judo inspired Green but with the same red/green/Easter/not play.
• MAN: Wannabe Hood By Denim™…IN RED/GREEN/EASTER//PASTELS/NOT!!!!!!!!!
• Matthew Miller: The Lenticular Man™.
• Tiger Of Sweden: “…and I was a boy from schOOOOOOOooooool.”
• Xander Zhou: Neon and non-neon skin tone Matrix slouches.
• House Of Holland: Commercialist tough boy.
• Astrid Anderson: Turkish advertising through fashion.
• Raf Simons: Shrugging at the Mapplethrope show because your clothes fused together.
• Visvim: That part from “Knock On Wood” where she sings “thunder and lighting” but given a country, folksy remix.
• Gosha Rubchinskiy: Russian AMI thrift store finds.
• Pringle Of Scotland: “Mom, I’m wearing what I want to church!”
• Alexander McQueen: British tapestry boys without sleeves.
• Nasir Mazhar: Hood By Military Baby Ink Blob™.
• Public School: Cute, streetwear Mad Max where the flowing clothes are swapped out with flowing, structural activewear.
• Carven: Wiped up in stripes.
• Sandro: “HOOOOONNNNK!!! SAILOR BOY COMING THROUGH!!!!!!! HIGH WATERS: RAISE THEM PANTS!! HONNNNNK!!!!”
• A.P.C.: Tanned and jeaned.
• Thom Browne: Oompa Loompas go to the beach to surf and get shit on by lots of colorful birds.
• Paul Smith: Peace sign emoji, set to the color yellow.
• Off-White: Zombified soccer collaboration with dead brand(s).
• Lanvin: Zooming in on a sunset that looks like a Missoni™ pattern.
• AMI: Tangerine zippered dream.
• Dior Homme: Hot Russian Bondage Suiting Topic™
• Balmain Homme: A particularly lazy Moschino™ show.
• Kenzo: Brilliant hashtag teens with Body & Soul.
• Junya Watanabe: You can’t use tattoo removal to get rid of a bad fedora ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
• Givenchy: The dollar is so important that Kendall Jenner and Bella Hadid are needed.
• Maison Martin Margiela: Eh. Pass.
• Comme des Garçons: Clearly a hair raising Fornasetti collaboration.
• Issey Miyake: Light and linen pools of dipped and dyed pattern play.
• Dries Van Noten: Some sort of Rodarte™ collection for men.
• Louis Vuitton: Plaid “Sidewalk Safari.”
• Walter Van Beirendonck: Buckle into your nipple tassels and get ready to make a face!
• Rick Owens: “We’re knot in Greece anymore.”
• Valentino: Various camo clichés.
• Balenciaga: Bejewel toned short shorts, big boots, wide shoulders.
• Jil Sander: Fading from tan to kinda camo.
• Gucci: My kind of love for Jared Leto.
• Port 1961: Hashtag everlasting military connection.
• Salvatore Ferragamo: A quiet night watching colorful bugs pass under a light.
• Missoni: Those same bugs as above—but on a ranch.
• Versace: Getting ready for my gay ass boxing match.
• Vivienne Westwood: Gaze into my IOU.
• Prada: Full body Tevas™.
• Moncler Gamme Bleu: A world reimagined if gays ran the Boy Scouts™.

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