Loglines For Spring Couture 2016

You want some fancy ass clothes? You gonna get some fancy ass clothes: these are the quick little descriptions for the Spring 2016 couture collections that showed this week and last week.

• Zuhair Murad: “The audacity of these non-virginal brides!” (Quite stunning, actually.)
• Elie Saab: Beautiful Coachella robot brides.
• Valentino: If Klimt were commissioned by HBO to make a Game Of Thrones painting.
• Viktor & Rolf: A nice body of work, no? Viktor & Rolf have quite the face for fashion, right? The collection has a lot of sharp features, correct? You could say they have an eye for design, wouldn’t you? (Amazing.)
• Jean Paul Gaultier: Eighties ladies who were forced to go to sleep but, yes, they could take their cigarettes and champagne glasses to bed with them—as long as they are quiet.
• Maison Margiela: “Ahem, excuse me, miss: your clothing is metamorphosing on you. Yes, they’re turning into another article of clothing as we speak. You might want a change of clothes.” (Really cool, though.)
• Christian Dior: Blazer inspired Dior by Not Raf.
• Armani Privé: A drag ball attended and performed by jellyfish and Portuguese man o’ wars.
• Giambattista Valli: Very pretty dresses that you have definitely seen before, maybe even by Giambattista Valli.
• Alexis Mabille: Black, white, and puffy all over.
• Chanel: Big, long, heavy tweed skirts for teachers with rectangular saddle bags and a few things that looked like you rolled around in the forest while wearing your communion dress.
• Ralph & Russo: Time travelers. Most definitely time travelers from one of the first couture shows in Paris.
• Schiaparelli: Have you been hoping to wear Julia Child’s kitchen? YOU ARE IN SO MUCH LUCK RIGHT NOW, LET ME TELL YOU. (Fun!)
• Versace: “After their terrible car crash, the artists only created work about things that fasten you in. Some say they never recovered from the accident on an intellectual, artistic level.”
• Stephane Rolland: Yeah, it’s long things with a boy.
• Alexandre Vauthier: For the lady who always wanted to look like Eddie Murphy in Beverly Hills Cop.
• Bouchra Jarrar: “Officer, did you kill the rabbits,” the commander asks. The officer sobs. “Yes,” she says. “I killed them only because I love them.”
• Yiqing Yin: Draping the drapes over the drapes so that they are draped for draping drapes.
• Franck Sorbier: Dance Of Twenty Curtains
• Julien Fournie: Airbrush painting birds of paradise. (Silly, pretty fun!)
• Ulyana Sergeenko: Various Russian amateur models auditioning for an amateur, opposite gender remake of The Wild One.
• AOUADI: The many failings of Shakespearean women who hope to pass as men.

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