Today is the first birthday / anniversary / whatever you want to call it of my website. Congratulations!
To celebrate, we’re going to dive into the annals of analytics to explore the oddity that is Internet exploration. I have published 946 posts in the past year (and change), some of which have gone on to get big clicks while some were only viewed by me. C’est la vie, Internet dweebs.
The ones that do well are for no reason of my own doing but a result of getting caught on a Google-able, topical snag, be it a rising trend or person that people are trying—and continuing to try—to learn about. Like what? Here are the top ten most clicked-on posts that have been published on this site. Be warned: they’re a bizarre mixed bag.
10. Christine and the Queens: The Only Woman I Have A Sexual Attraction To
Originally Posted: June 17, 2016
View Count: ~577
Apparently I’m not the only one with a sexual attraction to the androgynous French pop star. Many have found themselves on this post for two reasons, which can be inferred by Google search terms that brought people to the post: first, they think she’s sexy and, second, they think she’s gay and they want confirmation of their sexual profiling. Thankfully, that post fulfills both of those desires.
9. A Breakdown Of The New RuPaul’s Drag Race Cast
Originally Posted: February 2, 2016
View Count: ~595
Aaaahhh: confirmation that my Ru coverage isn’t going entirely unnoticed. This seemed to just pop up as one of the results in the queue when people Googled looking for Season Eight cast photos and the like.
8. Some Good, Bad Yeezy Knockoffs Because LOL
Originally Posted: March 23, 2016
View Count: ~612
This is one of my favorite posts. People arrived here in myriad ways, mostly seeking reviews of Yeezy knockoffs or searching for knockoffs in general. Somehow, people also found the story in general Yeezy searching, which is bonkers because this story has to be buried way deep in the Google ether.
7. A Gay Twin Nightmare
Originally Posted: February 16, 2016
View Count: ~905
This story on a fake news story gained legs because people wanted to learn about this (fake) story that trended as if it were real, because they wanted to know about the models whose image was used in the original story, and because they wanted to watch gay twin incest porn.
6. OT&O African Rugs
Originally Posted: January 14, 2016
View Count: ~910
This post was a sponge for all OT&O brand searching. Lots of people love their work and, somehow, this post on their work is one of the first things that comes up.
5. Ina Garten Is No One’s Mother
Originally Posted: October 1, 2015
View Count: ~1,430
People really, really, really want to know if Ina has any children. Short answer: she doesn’t. In 28 different searches on Google—the top being “Ina Garten children,” which led people to the story 26 times—this answer has been sought. This is funny because, honestly, the story is a leeching recap of a fantastic Eater story.
4. What My Dick Thinks About Things My Dick Does (NSFW)
Originally Posted: October 21, 2015
View Count: ~1,453
By far the most confusing on this list is this post because it was about a flash-in-the-pan stupid sex Tumblr that Buzzfeed posted, which led people to my site to learn about.
3. When Is It Cool To Fuck A Hoverboard Dude?
Originally Posted: October 9, 2015
View Count: ~1,505
Flash-in-the-pan trendiness strikes again with a post that is literally Internet MadLibs: insert trend item (hoverboard) plus sexual activity (fucking) plus hookup advice. Beyond this—because of course—people found this post while searching for videos and pornographic material of women being fucked by men on hoverboards. Y’all nasty.
2. How To Not Wear A Belt
Originally Posted: October 12, 2015
View Count: ~2,505
Ahhh: something actually worth Googling. This post has been a surprise breakout for men (and more) looking for advice on how to wear pants without a belt. No one has written in if they found the advice useful or not but, hey, thousands are clicking on it.
1. Eric Andre’s Pee Pee (NSFW)
Originally Posted: September 18, 2015
View Count: ~11,392
And here we are at the top: the most clicked on post is one where I literally grabbed Instagram pictures of Eric Andre‘s penis before he got reported, alerting Instagram to take them down. Every time he trends or his show returns, people Google him—and people Google his dick. Do what you gotta do, Eric Andre dick lovers. (And it is a beautiful dick, in my opinion.)
If you’re having some trouble believing this or are nerdy and want further stats, here’s a look at what WordPress offers in terms of all time highest clicked on posts along with search terms. They reveal how weird the Internet is, how one baby you post online might grow up to be a star while another dies after crowning.The real question—and reason—for this post is to try to figure out what has worked in the past year. Clearly gay shit works. From the gay twins to Christine & The Queens to dick stuff to RuPaul’s Drag Race, that stuff plays. When you’re often operating in an sad echo chamber of writer-seeking-reader, these stats can be reaffirming.
Beyond this, there’s some insane synergy that happened in October of last year as four of the ten posts were done in that month. The things that also seemed to work were trend-tied or informative posts, from hoverboard sex seeking to teaching people how to wear a belt. The latter is great to know and something that should be explored further because it’s fun and answers questions that I often have myself, making the posts a bit of self-help therapy in a public Internet context.
What posts have been your favorite? Do you care? Have you made it down this far in the post or are you just skimming? In any event, thank you for coming here today—or any day—and here’s to another year of weird ass posts. Salut!