It’s Tuesday and it is admittedly very early in the week to talk about penises—but I think we need a little levity, don’t we?

This is penis news. PENIS NEWS!!

Man Gets Wedding Ring Stuck On His Penis
This story is exactly what you think it is: a guy put his wedding ring on his dick “for fun” and ended up “strangling” his penis. Note to everyone: the only ring that goes on your dick is a cock ring—and that doesn’t even go on your dick, necessarily. There are also photos of the offending penis and it is one of the more disturbing penile disasters (more so than the “broken” dicks, to be honest).

What I Learnt From A “Dick Pic” Critic
There isn’t such a thing as a good “dick pic.” Most of the time, the dicks are too removed from the body and end up looking like scraggly monsters emerging from hairy flesh. So what makes a good dick pic? According to the one critic spoken with, exactly what I said: “by being more contextualised” with how your cock is shown.

Testing a Male Sex Doll
What does having sex with a male sex doll feel like? According to sex journalist Karley Sciortino, weird but good but weird. She tested a male sex doll and noted that, while realistic feeling, the cold body of a non-real sex object is bizarre.

Chinese Man Gets A Chopstick Stuck In His Penis
The second “OUCH.” dick story of the week is one where a guy stuck a utensil up his front hole in the hopes of figuring out why he had bloody urine. Needless to say, this did not help things.

The Problems Of The Prodigious Penis
Are big penis owners better fucks? Not necessarily. According to a Dear Abby section on Ozy, a person sent in for advice as they were having problems with a big dick owner who was insulting their vagina. How? Because the person had no idea how to use the gift of big dickness, instead selfishly cramming his stuff in. Thus the unfortunate reality of large man lump lovers is: big dick people have to know and understand the ramifications of owning property that size—otherwise, they might ruin the foundation

Men With Micropenises Tell Us About Life with a Tiny Dick
The concept of a “micropenis” is never not hysterical. Vice talked to a few micropenis owners to understand their experience and how they make it work. As expected, these people have gotten quite creative in order to “work with what they got.” Bless you, micro dudes. (And take note, big dick owners.)

Photo via.

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