When times get tough, there’s only one thing for us to do: look at penis news. PENIS NEWS!!

Man’s Penis Sliced Off By Saw In Accident At UK Industrial Site
After reports of a “groin injury” were made in a town near Gloucester, medical officials found a man had nipped his wee wee after an encounter with a saw. Ouch! It took eight hours of surgery to remedy but the owner of said wee wee is apparently doing okay.

Five Nurses Were Suspended For Opening A BODY BAG To Gawk At The Size Of A Deceased Man’s Genitals
If you were a nurse and heard that a dead person had a giant dick, would you look? For five nurses in Denver, the answer is a big yes. This is such an industry no-no that the five nurses were suspended, one of which was not invited back to work. Damn. The shit we do to poke a glimpse of a pee pee!

The Problems Of The Penis Are Many
OZY has a great “Dear Abby” inspired column where people ask sex stuff. Standard fun! This week, they answer a few penis related questions, one specifically of note: how to satisfy a partner if you got a tiny dick. The answer is from behind!

Somebody Left A Massive Penis In A Park And Nobody Knows Why
What do you do if an artistically rendered penis just shows up in your favorite park? Well, you gawk at it – then report it to the authorities. The over-a-meter-long wee has been confiscated and no one knows where it came from or why it showed up like it did.

Connor McGregor Giant Penis Emergency Before Mayweather Fight
I barely know who these boxers are but here’s some dick news for you about them: Connor McGregor apparently forgot to bring his cup to the fight and had his team rush to find suitable protection. Oh, the irony of this super masc event underscored by a man who forgot to protect that which he defines himself by.

Smugglers Try Hiding 1,300 Pounds Of Meth Inside Penis-Shaped Candles
Meth is bad. Drug smuggling is probably a bad idea. But you know what’s maybe a great idea? Combining the two via penis shaped candles to make for a great news story about dumb drug mules who put meth in phallic wax.

Boy, 11, Has 26 Magnets Removed From His penis After Inserting Them ‘Out Of Curiosity’
Here’s your super squeamish penis news: a preteen boy in China stuck a bunch of Buckyballs up his pee hole for fun and, you know, they had to be surgically removed from his bladder. This makes me very uncomfortable.

Forget Squiggle Brows, Maybe The Penis Brow Is Autumn’s Biggest Beauty Trend
Beauty trends are great and ridiculous and, somehow, it took this long for people to start adding penile heads and balls to their shaft-like brows. Alas, Summer of 2017 has made anything possible.

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