Pooper, You Piece Of Shit

UPDATE: As expected, this is app / service is fake.

While breezing through a Clickhole article about returning dogs to shelters, thinking about how lots of the answers are actually legit reasons dumb people return dogs, something hit me by way of a link share from Bobby: Pooper.

Pooper is “the smart alternative to picking up after your dog.” What does that mean? It literally is an app for other people to pick up your dog’s shit. That is it. I am not sure if it—like the ghastly Follower from earlier this year—is fake or not but it’s the type of app that makes you furious that there is a human in the world who will use this, who doesn’t pick up their dog’s shit, who needs someone else to do it for them. That is the same type of person who would return a dog to the pound because it smells.

First off, the app works by you taking a photo of shit and sending it to someone. Who are you people who will actually do this? Look, I’ve taken photos of shits before, in jest, but I have never and would never share a shit photo with a stranger. Like. There are lines of intimate things your dog does that don’t have to be shared and that’s where this gets wild to me: it crosses boundaries of the personal and intimate, taking everything public. You crowdsourcing for someone to do your dirty work shows how bad you are at being human. You have two main jobs as a dog owner: keep the dog alive and pick up its shit. When you relinquish one of those jobs to someone else, you failed. You failed at dog owning. There are better things to do than spend up to $35 so someone else can pick up your poop and your time is not that valuable where you don’t have time to pick up shit.

This reminds me of a woman in my apartment complex who picks up her dog’s shit and leaves it in a plant by the entrance to the apartment for a landscaper to cleanup. The trash is literally at the back of the building and that is not the landscaper’s job. I have been so tempted on so many occasions to leave her shit on her doorstep but have refrained. That is your job, person.

Even more maddening is people are willingly scooping up poop, to go hunt for a brown nugget in the rough to get paid. “If you can’t dog walk, be the shit picker upper.” is what this app says to me. I get you gotta get paid but PEOPLE: there is better work out there. There is more for you to do. Download Handy or Taskrabbit and do that. Everyone is above picking up shit. Everyone.

And that advertisement? No. This isn’t funny or “cute.” If I have to be subjected to ads around the city for Pooper, I am going to smear my own excrement on them. That brings up another thing: is the next evolution for Pooper to pick up other animal’s shit? What about human shit? Is the app going to be tapped by the government to help tidy up after displaced persons who don’t have bathrooms?

Why, Pooper? Why are you doing this? Who made you? Can I talk to those people and tell them how blinded I am by this insanity? Also, like, don’t even try to tell me about the environmental angle of this: dog owners should pick up their own shit. You should not exist.

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