Protect Me From What I Want On These Sale Racks, Bank Account

Dear Bank Account: I want many things. Can you make money available to me for these many thing? They won’t even be full price! They will be from sale racks.

Protect me, Bank Account. Protect me. These are the things that I want. No, I don’t need them. In fact, I have lots of shit already like them already. They would be useless things to spend money on—but they’re pretty. Can you rationalize the costs? I’ll be waiting for you to explain why I can or cannot buy these. Here is an explanation of what I want from various sale racks, Bank Account. Protect me from what I want (or let me buy what I want).

Soludos Mens Smoking Slipper In Vintage Denim
Cost: $39.00
Aren’t these cute? They’re a more sophisticated version than the regular Soludos espadrilles and they feature cute anchor embroidery on denim. Imagine me wearing these to the beach, Bank Account? They’re so waspy and eighties but now. I would feel like a cool dad! You would want me to look like that, Bank Account. Admit it!

Super Tuttolente W Gold Sunglasses
Cost: €239.00
I know, I know, I know: these are expensive, Bank Account and—Yes.—I already have a pair of the W Super sunglasses. These are so cool though! They’re ridiculous and sleek and funny but cool and from the future. Don’t you want me to look like I am from the future, Bank Account? You’d be a jerk if you didn’t want me to look like them. And, yes, I am aware that these glasses are not on the sale rack. Thank you for pointing that out, Bank Account. Yes, they’re in Euros too which means they are more expensive. I know, Bank Account.

Études Crewneck Sweatshirt
Cost: $187.00
I love Études! You know that, Bank Account. Their latest collection just started going on sale which is a win for me because that means I can start buying and wearing their things. No, I don’t need any of these things. I have plenty of sweaters. I know this, Bank Account. I don’t have a good gray sweatshirt, though. See? I need this one. I am aware it’s almost $200 so, yes, I can wait for a further price drop. (But think about it this way, Bank Account: Études is a Parisian brand and Paris needs our support now. Buying from this brand is buying freedom. Rest with that, Bank Account. You don’t hate freedom, do you?)

Woodland WTAPS Boonie Hat
Cost: $89.00
No, I wouldn’t even wear this hat. It’s cool though, Bank Account. It’s buckety and camo, somewhere in between Apocalypse Now and asshole Coachella kid. It’s Japanese, too. A positive image can support you financially, Bank Account. Me spending now will help you grow later and help me spend more. Great idea, right? Don’t you want me to look like Jaden Smith?

Steven Alan Optical Horton Glasses In Green Crystal
Cost: $165.00
It doesn’t look like these are on sale but I clicked on the sale tab on Steven Alan Optical and they are on sale, Bank Account. They’re marked down from $195. That’s $30 saved! That’s maybe a brunch or something. Wouldn’t you like that? Are you anti-economic stimulus or something? I don’t get you, Bank Account. Don’t I need sleek greeny clear glasses? I only have two pairs of glasses and I could use an extra for the sake of variety.

Gurkee Barbados Sandals
Cost: $44.00
These have been on sale for a while and I also have a promo code so these would be even cheaper than they claim to be. Look at me helping you out, Bank Account! I have five pairs of sandals and it is almost Winter, Bank Account, thank you for noticing. I could make these work! Wouldn’t you like to see me wear these next July 4? I think you’re missing the point here.

Peter Jensen Money Sweatshirt
Cost: $105.00
Hey! You like money, don’t you? Bank Account, admit it: you would wear this! How you is this? You are full of money. Sometimes, at least. You can dip it low but can also ride it high. It’s just $5 over a hundred dollars. That isn’t that bad. Repeat after me: money, money, money. Doesn’t that sound good? No, I don’t need a blue sweatshirt. I have many. This one is cute and graphic and funny though!

Études Poesie Connection Shirt
Cost: $131.60
Understand this since you already know I like Études, Bank Account: I have the matching shorts to this shirt and I really ought to buy the other half of this full ensemble so that I have a suit. Think forward, Bank Account. Think about me at a wedding or a very important event. What will people think of me in this “suit”? They will think, “Wow, he is so good looking and smart and needs me to give him money in order to put in his Bank Account so he can buy more nice things like the things on his body right now.” The color palette is very much me right now and great for Winter in LA. I could even wear this ensemb’ on Thanksgiving!!

What do you think, Bank Account? I am an American and therefore a consumer. Buying things that I don’t need is the only way I know how to express myself. I await your thoughts.

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