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Ranking All The New Barbies

Did you hear about Barbie? She got a new body.

Actually, she has four new bodies: there’s now a curvy Barbie, a tall Barbie, a petite Barbie, and the original Barbie. Obviously a reaction to the current climate of body politics and body shaming, Barbie has adapted to truly become a Photoshop-free every woman’s everywoman, an adaptable reflection of ourselves that now has hips and legs like we do. No, Ken isn’t getting a similar makeover yet (SHAME.) but Barbie is back big time. In addition to these body upgrades, she’s also gotten a modern makeover, a general update to her brand. The new Barbies are more sophisticated and casual, a little bit of everything. Within every caste of Barbie, there is a different type of girl, one to fit into every cultural, socioeconomic, racial, etc. person profile.

So are they good? Which Barbie is the best looking? Are some better than others? Of course! To help you understand which of these dolls to get your whoever-plays-with-Barbies, here is a breakdown of all thirty three new dolls, by their official classification, what they look like, and what redeeming qualities they may have.

May the best (i.e., most fashionable and generally coolest looking) Barbie win!

33 Barbie New Curvy Tall Sexy Funny Mattel Classic Best-Selling Doll 57 Year History Beauty Gender 1234KYLE5678 Fashion 2016

New Barbie Classification: Curvy
Unofficial Name: That One Girl You Went To High School With Who Was A Cheerleader And Really Hot But Now—Somehow—She Has Five Children
Redeeming Qualities: She has the power to wear lace and stripes and distressed jeans not to mention birthing hips.

32 Barbie New Curvy Tall Sexy Funny Mattel Classic Best-Selling Doll 57 Year History Beauty Gender 1234KYLE5678 Fashion 2016

New Barbie Classification: Curvy
Unofficial Name: Therapist Office Receptionist
Redeeming Qualities: She is a great mixture of casual and cool but also alternative because she is curvy therefore she is everyone. She’s great with phones and, every time you see her, you wonder why she works here. She’s so pretty. She should get a better job than a receptionist.

31 Barbie New Curvy Tall Sexy Funny Mattel Classic Best-Selling Doll 57 Year History Beauty Gender 1234KYLE5678 Fashion 2016

New Barbie Classification: Original
Unofficial Name: My Dad Works At The Bank And He Makes A Lot Of Money Did I Mention I Drive An SUV And I Have No Job Also Cheerleading
Redeeming Qualities: She is very good at hiding that she is racist.

30 Barbie New Curvy Tall Sexy Funny Mattel Classic Best-Selling Doll 57 Year History Beauty Gender 1234KYLE5678 Fashion 2016

New Barbie Classification: Original
Unofficial Name: That Pretty Girl You Know Who Wears Clothing From Fifteen Years Ago And You Always Think, “She Would Be So Pretty If She Updated Her Wardrobe.”
Redeeming Qualities: She has an entire closet full of bootcut jeans and lace camisoles. She has perfected incorporating one braid in her hair.

29 Barbie New Curvy Tall Sexy Funny Mattel Classic Best-Selling Doll 57 Year History Beauty Gender 1234KYLE5678 Fashion 2016

New Barbie Classification: Original
Unofficial Name: Hey, I’m A Freshman
Redeeming Qualities: She likes the color yellow and she won’t have to finish college because someone will marry her before she has time to pick her major. She wanted to be a lawyer or work with animals.

28 Barbie New Curvy Tall Sexy Funny Mattel Classic Best-Selling Doll 57 Year History Beauty Gender 1234KYLE5678 Fashion 2016

New Barbie Classification: Tall
Unofficial Name: That Girl You Know Who Could Be A Model If She Tried But She Lives In The Suburbs
Redeeming Qualities: If you squint, you’d swear she’s German. All of her friends tell her that and that one man who works for her dad.

27 Barbie New Curvy Tall Sexy Funny Mattel Classic Best-Selling Doll 57 Year History Beauty Gender 1234KYLE5678 Fashion 2016

New Barbie Classification: Petite
Unofficial Name: The Woman That Your Mother Hated In PTA Who Always Made Meetings Go Two Hours Longer Than They Should And Who Always Double Parks
Redeeming Qualities: She has a Nordstrom Rewards™ card.

26 Barbie New Curvy Tall Sexy Funny Mattel Classic Best-Selling Doll 57 Year History Beauty Gender 1234KYLE5678 Fashion 2016

New Barbie Classification: Curvy
Unofficial Name: The Cheerleader In All Your AP Classes
Redeeming Qualities: She does it all: she is a cheerleader, she’s smart, and she’s curvy. One day, she will dye her hair brown and a lot of people will comment on how edgy she looks.

25 Barbie New Curvy Tall Sexy Funny Mattel Classic Best-Selling Doll 57 Year History Beauty Gender 1234KYLE5678 Fashion 2016

New Barbie Classification: Petite
Unofficial NameMarla Sokoloff
Redeeming Qualities: She is really, really good at being the captain of the B Team cheerleaders.

24 Barbie New Curvy Tall Sexy Funny Mattel Classic Best-Selling Doll 57 Year History Beauty Gender 1234KYLE5678 Fashion 2016

New Barbie Classification: Tall
Unofficial Name: Email Order Russian Bride
Redeeming Qualities: “European and American women are too arrogant for you? How about beautiful Russian ladies that have royal blood and royal look? Do you like brunettes? What about blondes? At our site, you will get the best of all with our Russian brides. Hundreds of profiles and photos of amazing, liberated, sizzling hot Russian brides. These beautiful women are looking for love and long term relationships with the right man.”

23 Barbie New Curvy Tall Sexy Funny Mattel Classic Best-Selling Doll 57 Year History Beauty Gender 1234KYLE5678 Fashion 2016

New Barbie Classification: Tall
Unofficial Name: WNBA Star On Her Day Off
Redeeming Qualities: She’s a fucking basketball star.

22 Barbie New Curvy Tall Sexy Funny Mattel Classic Best-Selling Doll 57 Year History Beauty Gender 1234KYLE5678 Fashion 2016

New Barbie Classification: Petite
Unofficial Name: I Have A Cowboy Hat
Redeeming Qualities: She has a cowboy hat.

21 Barbie New Curvy Tall Sexy Funny Mattel Classic Best-Selling Doll 57 Year History Beauty Gender 1234KYLE5678 Fashion 2016

New Barbie Classification: Petite
Unofficial Name: Yes, I Like Hello Kitty
Redeeming Qualities: She also watches a lot of Steven Universe and has been to a few comic conventions. Ask her about the new Star Wars, please.

20 Barbie New Curvy Tall Sexy Funny Mattel Classic Best-Selling Doll 57 Year History Beauty Gender 1234KYLE5678 Fashion 2016

New Barbie Classification: Petite
Unofficial Name: Southern Girl Moves To The City
Redeeming Qualities: Don’t let the PR job fool you but this girl has at least two GRITS shirts in her closet.

19 Barbie New Curvy Tall Sexy Funny Mattel Classic Best-Selling Doll 57 Year History Beauty Gender 1234KYLE5678 Fashion 2016

New Barbie Classification: Original
Unofficial Name: Your Future Miss America
Redeeming Qualities: She can wear flats! She knows a lot about international relations!

18 Barbie New Curvy Tall Sexy Funny Mattel Classic Best-Selling Doll 57 Year History Beauty Gender 1234KYLE5678 Fashion 2016

New Barbie Classification: Original
Unofficial Name: Woman Who Works At A Fashion Magazine But Not Vogue Maybe Something Like Marie Claire
Redeeming Qualities: She isn’t Anna Wintour so she’s kind of nice. Have you seen her purple hair? She’s not mean.

17 Barbie New Curvy Tall Sexy Funny Mattel Classic Best-Selling Doll 57 Year History Beauty Gender 1234KYLE5678 Fashion 2016

New Barbie Classification: Original
Unofficial Name: Latina Lolita
Redeeming Qualities: If you show her to your dad, you will never see her again.

16 Barbie New Curvy Tall Sexy Funny Mattel Classic Best-Selling Doll 57 Year History Beauty Gender 1234KYLE5678 Fashion 2016

New Barbie Classification: Curvy
Unofficial Name: A Cool Teacher
Redeeming Qualities: Not only is she a good educator but she also puts together really great happy hours and is why most of the teachers have hangovers on Friday.

15 Barbie New Curvy Tall Sexy Funny Mattel Classic Best-Selling Doll 57 Year History Beauty Gender 1234KYLE5678 Fashion 2016

New Barbie Classification: Original
Unofficial Name: Bella Thorne
Redeeming Qualities: Maybe a sportier version but this is literally Bella Thorne. That is a great thing because Bella Thorne is great.

14 Barbie New Curvy Tall Sexy Funny Mattel Classic Best-Selling Doll 57 Year History Beauty Gender 1234KYLE5678 Fashion 2016

New Barbie Classification: Curvy
Unofficial Name: I Work In Gaming
Redeeming Qualities: She works in gaming. Ask her what she’s playing! She works in gaming.

13 Barbie New Curvy Tall Sexy Funny Mattel Classic Best-Selling Doll 57 Year History Beauty Gender 1234KYLE5678 Fashion 2016

New Barbie Classification: Original
Unofficial Name: Your Fourth Wife, Dad
Redeeming Qualities: She is only five years older than you but, somehow, she’s married to your dad. It’s weird but she’s also really, really nice.

06 Barbie New Curvy Tall Sexy Funny Mattel Classic Best-Selling Doll 57 Year History Beauty Gender 1234KYLE5678 Fashion 2016

New Barbie Classification: Tall
Unofficial Name: That Nice Woman At PTA That Your Mom Actually Liked
Redeeming Qualities: The woman you had a crush on as a child—who you were allowed to have a crush on because your parents didn’t hate her—is now available in doll form.

09 Barbie New Curvy Tall Sexy Funny Mattel Classic Best-Selling Doll 57 Year History Beauty Gender 1234KYLE5678 Fashion 2016

New Barbie Classification: Original
Unofficial Name: Classic Barbie Got A Makeover
Redeeming Qualities: This is just the classic Barbie with brown hair which, really, is a woman whose mother was half Korean.

01 Barbie New Curvy Tall Sexy Funny Mattel Classic Best-Selling Doll 57 Year History Beauty Gender 1234KYLE5678 Fashion 2016

New Barbie Classification: Tall
Unofficial Name: Wait, She’s Like An Actual Person
Redeeming Qualities: This is the point in this ranking in which the Barbies get legitimately cool and this one—with her houndstooth shirt, laser cut skirt, and matching chartreuse necklace and heels combination—is the first to illustrate that.

11 Barbie New Curvy Tall Sexy Funny Mattel Classic Best-Selling Doll 57 Year History Beauty Gender 1234KYLE5678 Fashion 2016

New Barbie Classification: Curvy
Unofficial Name: Jane The Virgin
Redeeming Qualities: This is just Gina Rodriguez, no? This is just Gina Rodriguez.

10 Barbie New Curvy Tall Sexy Funny Mattel Classic Best-Selling Doll 57 Year History Beauty Gender 1234KYLE5678 Fashion 2016

New Barbie Classification: Tall
Unofficial Name: An Actual Model
Redeeming Qualities: Like, if that dress wasn’t terrible this would just be Gigi Hadid.

08 Barbie New Curvy Tall Sexy Funny Mattel Classic Best-Selling Doll 57 Year History Beauty Gender 1234KYLE5678 Fashion 2016

New Barbie Classification: Petite
Unofficial Name: An African Princess
Redeeming Qualities: This Barbie literally looks like she’s African royalty. Perhaps it’s the combination of the dress pattern, earrings, and hair but she’s a rad chick.

07 Barbie New Curvy Tall Sexy Funny Mattel Classic Best-Selling Doll 57 Year History Beauty Gender 1234KYLE5678 Fashion 2016

New Barbie Classification: Petite
Unofficial Name: Give Me A Better Shirt I Represent Musicians
Redeeming Qualities: This is literally someone I have met in music the music industry but she does not wear that shirt. Get her a better shirt.

 

05 Barbie New Curvy Tall Sexy Funny Mattel Classic Best-Selling Doll 57 Year History Beauty Gender 1234KYLE5678 Fashion 2016

New Barbie Classification: Original
Unofficial Name: An Obama Daughter
Redeeming Qualities: This is definitely either Sasha or Malia Obama. That dress was definitely picked out by Michelle. Barack definitely told her she needs to bring a jacket before she leaves the White House.

04 Barbie New Curvy Tall Sexy Funny Mattel Classic Best-Selling Doll 57 Year History Beauty Gender 1234KYLE5678 Fashion 2016

New Barbie Classification: Original
Unofficial Name: Barbie 2.0
Redeeming Qualities: This is the Barbie that we all grew up with in the eighties and nineties and aughts but with polka dots and her hair pulled back in an asymmetrical style. Sorry, but the original-original Barbie is just really great. Aryan and the product of homogeny, yes, but she’s a classic. It’s like saying cups are bad: she’s supernormal.

03 Barbie New Curvy Tall Sexy Funny Mattel Classic Best-Selling Doll 57 Year History Beauty Gender 1234KYLE5678 Fashion 2016

New Barbie Classification: Curvy
Unofficial Name: She Does Makeup And Has A Very Active Instagram Account
Redeeming Qualities: This woman may or may not be Priscilla Ono. She definitely knows Amber Rose. She definitely hates the Kardashians. She definitely is a very real world, very cool woman.

02 Barbie New Curvy Tall Sexy Funny Mattel Classic Best-Selling Doll 57 Year History Beauty Gender 1234KYLE5678 Fashion 2016

New Barbie Classification: Tall
Unofficial Name: Rihanna In 2010
Redeeming Qualities: Perhaps I’ve listened to ANTI one too many times but this is Rihanna, no? She’s cute and shows off her legs, isn’t afraid of patterns, and has wild hair…for 2010. This is Rihanna circa Loud. She’s ready to sing “Only Girl (In The World)” and not discuss Chris Brown.

12 Barbie New Curvy Tall Sexy Funny Mattel Classic Best-Selling Doll 57 Year History Beauty Gender 1234KYLE5678 Fashion 2016

New Barbie Classification: Original
Unofficial Name: That Beautiful Girl Whose Ethnicity You Cannot Pin Down But You Always Go, “Good God: She Is So Fucking Gorgeous” Every Time You See Her
Redeeming Qualities: Of all the Barbies, this is the best Barbie. She is exotic and friendly, fashionable but not too fashionable. She’s aspirational but approachable. She’s inside and outsider. This woman—this Barbie—is a girl that I have met so many times and, every time I see her, I want to see more of her and be like her. She’s classic. It’s only fitting that she’s one of the Original gang but this doll is perfect, from her jewels-and-metal on trend aesthetic to her understated hair. Of all the Barbies, this one could do anything: she could be a mechanical engineer, a sculptor, Huma Abedin, a furniture designer, a television writer, Amal Clooney, a scientist, a lawyer, a rapper, a model, a teenager, a mother—a whoever. This one is just cool. She’s not blonde and, technically, not white either.

 

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