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Rating Male Techno Artists By How Hot They Are

I love techno music. I don’t love it because I am a dance person but because I don’t like music with vocalists and, really, I’m only concerned with sound variations and synthesis. That’s why I love electronic music.

I also love men. If you put anything with a penis in my direction, I will be attracted to it. I guarantee you. I’ve long lusted after my electronic artists, both male and female, because they make things that I am intimately involved with and always listening to. I find some of them hot. I think about these men sexual ways a lot so I wanted to objectify them by making a list of who the most attractive techno artists are.

This list doesn’t include people like Calvin Harris and David Guetta because those are the Wal-Mart versions of the mom and pop shops that I listen to (more or less). Thus, enjoy this ranking of the thirty hottest techno dudes with some commentary peppered in.

Caribou  Sexy Techno 1234KYLE5678

30. Caribou

29. Anthony Gonzalez
I know he rarely “makes techno” anymore but he deserves a spot because of that beautiful pout.

28. Gavin Russom

Shit Robot  Sexy Techno 1234KYLE5678

27. Shit Robot
Even almost always faceless, he does have a face. Sorry Gavin, Anthony, and Caribou.

26. Four Tet

Lakker Sexy Techno 1234KYLE5678

25. Lakker
One guys is traditionally hot while the other guy has super pretty eyes. Dream team? Dreamy team.

Lnrdcroy  Sexy Techno 1234KYLE5678

24. Lnrdcroy
If there were more photos of this guy, he would rank higher. I love him. His face will always be as beautiful as his music, to me.

23. Ricardo Villalobos

22. Superpitcher
A bit gremliny and German but, hey, cute.

Gesaffelstein Sexy Techno 1234KYLE5678

21. Gesaffelstein
He should be ranked higher because he is gorgeous but his mostly annoying music and collaborators position him as a questionable object of desire.

20. Carl Craig
The techno answer to the Silver Fox.

19. Jeremy Greenspan
The techno answer to the Bear. Or dad. Take your pick.

Omar S Sexy Techno 1234KYLE5678

18. Omar-S
I’m attracted to Omar-S because I feel like he could beat me up for finding out that my faggoty ass listens to his hyper-macho techno. Spank me, Omie, spank me.

17. Legowelt
If his dick is as big as his prolific discography then, yes, Legos, yes.

16. Eric Duncan

Arca  Sexy Techno 1234KYLE5678

15. Arca
South American papi, por favor.

14. Lindstrøm

13. Tensnake

12. Actress
He is a babe.

11. Roman Flugel

DJ Koze Sexy Techno 1234KYLE5678

10. DJ Koze
Behind his nuisances and vocal warping, you have a pretty man in a headwrap.

Matthew Dear Sexy Techno 1234KYLE5678

9. Matthew Dear
How classically beautiful is this man??

Todd Terje Sexy Techno 1234KYLE5678

8. Todd Terje
This guy. He’s like a young daddy that you want to fucking spank your ass as he blasts Italo Disco. He can rub that mustache on my lower back all he wants.

Virgo Four  Sexy Techno 1234KYLE5678

7. Virgo Four (Circa 1989)
Now? Not so much. But then? PLEASE. Tag team this shit! Make me your spit roast!

John Roberts  Sexy Techno 1234KYLE5678

6. John Roberts
You didn’t know he was a babe, did you? Shame!

Claude VonStroke  Sexy Techno 1234KYLE5678

5. Claude Von Stroke
Oof. He’s the most “my type” on this list and he would have taken the title, had there not been people more classically “prettier” than he is. I have had a sex dream about Claude, I admit. You dirty bird, you.

Andy Butler Hercules And Love Affair Sexy Techno 1234KYLE5678

4. Andy Butler
I just want him to carry me. I want to feel his biceps under my ass as he hoists me up in the air so that he can lick my balls from below.

Ben Frost  Sexy Techno 1234KYLE5678

3. Ben Frost
Last year I saw Ben Frost in concert and—MY GOD.—he is a hunk. He doesn’t really make techno, technically, but his electrolysis (Word foul—but it stays.) demands he rank high on this list. He is so pretty. He has the best heard of any man on this list. He has an accent. He makes music that makes you wonder if a plane is exploding over your head when, really, the explosions should be happening in bed.

Axel Boman Sexy Techno 1234KYLE5678

2. Axel Boman
It’s his jawline, right? And the eyes? He seems so goofy and friendly and the type of guy that will take you out to dinner and drinks and pay and make you laugh and refer to you as his boyfriend even though it’s only the first date. This is more of a long term sexual attraction.

Tiga  Sexy Techno 1234KYLE5678

1. Tiga
I am waiting for the Tiga sex tape to come out. I know this man dabbles in all sexual activity. I know he gets freaky. I know he probably smells of oiled leather and exotic spices. I want Tiga to drive me around in his car and demand that I give him a blow job. He can then drop me off on a corner and I will walk home, high from him. Just look at that beautiful face? So precious. So masculine. So feminine. He’s a model! His music is equally as wonderful, too. I’ve had a sex dream about Tiga, too. It wasn’t as good as the Claude dream but it was good. The music was better, though.

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