Good heavens I have gotten soooo many emails from retailers about their sales. I get it! You all want me to spend money that I am supposed to be saving on shit that I do not need for reasons that I do not have other than, “I WANT! I AM A MILLENNIAL AND I WANT!! I AM FRIVILOUS AND LACK DISCIPLINE!! I WANT!!” But I say no to you, sales. I am putting my foot down and putting on my fucking big boy adult hat and saying to go fuck yourself.
…but I will look at you. I will go onto your techy racks and spit drool at them in lust. I want. But I can’t! I must save me from myself—and “from myself” I mean “consumerism driven wastefulness.” I can cope. I can overcome. My struggle is very real so I present you with my therapy: here are five things I want to buy from sales that I am not going to because I know better. I know I don’t need these things. You can buy me these things if you want but I should not buy them for myself even though I got an email from one of the retailers saying that I am a “VIP” and deserve an extra discount.
Gant Rugger Indigo Baseball Shirt
Original Price: $225.00
Sale Price: $112.50
I want a baseball shirt. While I dream of one made out of silk, this is dainty and cutesy enough for me. It’s nearly fucking fifty percent off! Look at how it shows off his hamburger meat too. I need this shirt. It’s even styled with short ass shorts. This shirt is for me! I want your fake denim, fake sportiness on my chest. I will not, though. I resist you, hairy non-baseball man. I say no.
Band Of Outsiders Blue Oxford Multi Pocket Shirt
Original Price: $325
Sale Price: $195
You are no more, BoO. I have tried to convince myself that I need to stock up on your wares, that you, Scott Sternberg, are an artist and I must buy some of your work to keep for the future, to accumulate value as time erodes forth. I have a single BoO shirt that I never wear. Do I need another? Maybe. This one is so fun though and a great take on shirting. I mean, I’m not in love with it—but I want it. “No,” I tell me. “No,” I will write onto six individual mini-cards to slide into each of those extraneous pockets. No.
Moschino Cola Print Shorts
Original Price: $605
Sale Price: $242
My god these are so reduced. They are so great! They are fucking ridiculous and my dream is to own a Jeremy Scott something. These would be perfect! Everyone who knows their shit would know that they are Moschino, too. I would look like the rich bitch that I am not! But they are long. I would have to get them altered and, really, if I am spending over $200 on a pair of clothing the altering should be free. They are so sweet, though! I don’t even drink soda but I want this consumerist bull. It speaks to my breakdown. Stop tempting a fool, stop tempting me, Scott.
Paul Smith Red Palm Print Shorts
Original Price: $265
Sale Price: $106
I’ve been lusting over these for months. I almost bought them full price back in March. I resisted because of sales. It is sales. I still resist. I cannot buy clothes in the triple digits. I could but I cannot. That is dumb. I do not need. I can save and maybe buy one of these items. Do I need any of them though? I do not. These are so bright and bogus and fill me with a tropical vigor that could carry me through Summer. I do not need them, though. (If they fall forty more dollars, I will reconsider, though.) (That goes for most of these, too.)
Studio One Eighty Nine Random Printed Shirt
Original Price: $190
Sale Price: $133
The fit on this may be awful. I almost purchased this last week, too. I had this tab open for approximately thirty minutes and all I did was stare at it and think, “Is this a deal? Am I just blinding myself from money and costs right now?” I looked at every angle. I blocked out the model’s face with a finger. I realized the shirt was too unnecessarily nineties for me and that I would probably look too big and frump like a purple retro monster. It could be mine, this shirt. I will hold off. I love your colors and I love your style but I do not love your price. I will watch you, shirt.