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Second-By-Second Reactions To The New Taylor Swift & Katy Perry So I Can Personally Resolve Who Is Currently Hashtag Winning

Taylor Swift and Katy Perry have been in a years long tiff that I’m really, truly fucking exhausted by mostly because Katy Perry has hitched her new album’s horse to getting Taylor back. Taylor is seemingly retaliating with her new own serpentine and stupid shots. I’m exhausted.

While I am more Team Katy (She wasn’t born rich.), these trying times have flipped everything upside down and yesterday’s release of works by both artists have me wondering: what If I watch and react to both new entries and see if I can settle who I care about more? Let’s give it a shot.

First up, Taylor Swift’s new single “Look What You Made Me Do” from her forthcoming Reputation.

0:06: This is already annoying and faux-twee but evil.
0:10: Who is ODD?
0:20: Great. So this isn’t a reconciliation record.
0:33: OK, Ms. Taylor. I like this eighties beat. OK, Ms. Taylor.
0:46: Lost me with this breakdown.
0:47: LOL: as if Taylor Swift got “harder.”
1:03: Ummmm…so this is a late phase Christina Aguilera song?
1:29: Game Of Thrones reference?
1:37: Honestly, this is really uninspired and below Tay.
1:53: The gays are going to love these backing vocals.
2:03: I hate this.
2:33: Taylor, honey, I don’t trust you because I think you voted for Donald Trump.
2:52: LOL, “Old Taylor.”
3:00: “She’s dead.”: okay, that’s savage.
3:10: I hope this song is actually dedicated to the dude who she owned in court.
3:30: Not as exhausted as I thought.

Final verdict? I never liked her and I don’t like this.

Next, the video for Katy Perry’s de facto fight song “Swish Swish.”

0:08: I like this basketball pyramid. She looks good.
0:16: Of course.
0:34: I appreciate that she’s even over herself.
0:48: I love Christine Sydelko.
1:05: MOLLY.
1:20: So these are the unpaid drag queens.
1:31: You know how much I love GLOW. Also, this must have been paid for by Netflix since there’s a Stranger Things kid too.
2:00: I know y’all hate her and this song but I love it.
2:11: No.
2:40: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
3:20: I cannot with this POC gay culture vogue robbery video game bullshit.
3:50: Nicki looks good.
4:26: Yes, most of this video is green screen but this part looks bad.
4:42: Best part of the video, really.
6:18: Cute ending.

Final verdict? Like Katy, exhausting but ultimately harmless.

So. After watching these two media items – one a lyric video, one a short film music video – by two artists who quote unquote “hate” each other, I have a consensus: I think Katy’s song and video is better. Taylor might be a little less on-the-nose and her less-is-more approach might bear more fruit but they both need to stop. Do kids care about this beef anymore? I just want to know who Taylor Swift voted for.

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