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Sex Toys Before Christ Couldn’t Have Been Comfortable

These are what cave men dildos looked like. They didn’t vibrate. They weren’t gentle. They likely didn’t do well in water. But, they made sex.

Referred to so cutely as “Ice-Age Batons,” these little faux phalluses were created from chalk, antler, ivory, and stone. The dates of use range back as far as 30K B.C. That’s longer time than after Christ style technology for sexual pleasure. Damn, GrandCaveDaddy: you dirty.

What is refreshing about these little dinguses is that they actually have heads, i.e. someone took the time to carve definition for pleasure, adding some definition to the tip of the shaft. They even tattooed or pierced some, they have been found all over the world, and archeologists even speculate that they had more uses beyond taint tickling.

This is exciting! I wish someone would make a stone dildo out of my penis and then fuck themselves silly with it: that is true love. That is like beyond true love, so far out there that it bypasses stalking and even obsessiveness and lands itself in some heroic netherworld of bloodsoaked genitals.

Oh, those were the days. Well, actually, that’s pretty much the present too.

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