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Some New Words I Learned About Penises

In writing a story about two moms getting pregnant, a lot of research about how pregnancies happen came with it. Who knew stories about pregnancy regarded so much sex and dick talk even when dicks aren’t involved in a same-sex female pregnancy? I sure didn’t.

What also came of this is a bundle of words and terms regarding penises that are as LOL as they are HMM. Thus, I wanted to share them with you to keep you woke about penis stuff. Penises are one of my favorite subjects and any way to write about them in a new way is a thrill for me. Enjoy! And happy Hodare!

Anogenital Distance: Want to know something really fucking funny? There is a term from the length of a man measuring from his anus to his scrotum. Yes, there is a technical term for taint length and it is anogenital distance—or AGD—and it’s quite important in measuring virility. Unlike penis size, AGD is associated with sperm volume and count. If you’re looking for a fertile man, measure his taint!

Antisperm: This is not pubic hair protesting your jizz but instead a technical term for defining sperm antibodies that prevent fertility. Having an inclination to be “antisperm”—or a body part that is “anti-sperm”—means that your immune system basically hates sperm and thusly kills the sperm. Like a superhero, this would make you immune to sperm.

Azoospermia: This funny word is the technical term for shooting blanks: you still have the bullet of liquid but the man has no sperm in his semen.

Corona: No, not the beer but, yes, perhaps similar to a beer bottle in that the “corona” of a penis is the little ridge around the tip that looks like a crown. Just like the head of a bottle! So, next time you drink a beer, imagine you are sucking dick. That’s what I do anyway but, hey, hashtag this is living.

Detumescence: This is the technical term for your boner going down, for you unstiffening, for you losing your mojo. Viagra can help you keep it up but do not confuse this with detumescence therapy, where you massage a man’s head with the hopes that his hair will grow back

Dry Orgasm: Literal shooting blanks via climaxing and releasing no semen. Sounds like easy cleanup but anti-climactic. Wah wah.

40 Million (to 300 Million): This is the normal range of sperm per millimeter in a healthy man. If you get this much sperm in a sample, you’re good. 20 million is OK and under 10 million is fairly weak sperm. Even though I was designed not-for-kids, I am intrigued where I would fall in this semen spectrum.

42 to 76 Days: This is fascinating: this is the range of how long it takes for for sperm to mature in the testicles. This is a birthing act in and of itself!

Liquefaction: Sperm is a gel that becomes a liquid. Liquefaction is the process of sperm turning to liquid. This is why when someone comes, it looks like snot but dissolves into a pool. Science! Anatomy! Don’t do that on my face!!

Male-Factor Pak Semen Collection Condom: This is a brand, yes, but this a brand of science condoms that can collect semen samples. These can help with preventing someone from having to go into a clinic to get their semen tested and can be used, you know, when banging it out at home.

Motility: Are your sperm movers? Can they to their destination unassisted or are they lazy? Motility is the term to describe the movement and if your sperm is moving toward the goal. The above video is an example of low motility, of sperm that ain’t going nowhere.

Retrograde Ejaculation: This is a non-harmful happening that sounds worse than it is: instead of shooting out your semen, semen backfires into the bladder. This is a cause of male infertility.

Seminal Vesicles: This is an anatomy term we all learned but it’s such a funny word that I have to share it whenever I can. Just say “vesicles” aloud. Vesicles. What a word. Anyway, this part of male anatomy holds and mixes the sperm. Imagine it is the body’s jizz KitchenAid® Stand Mixer. Also known as the “seminal gland.”

Seminal Fructose: This is Gatorade™ for semen: this is the energy source for semen to run. It aids with motility. Drink it up!

Scrotal Ultrasound: This is a technique used to check out your balls, to diagnose infertility, trauma, or monitor a mass. Not very sexy, unfortunately, but imagine going in with your partner for a scrotal ultrasound and then posting photos of what’s inside to your Facebook. Proud parents, indeed.

Spermatozoa (Spermatozoon): A “motile sperm cell.” This is just sperm. Plural is “spermatozoa” while singular is “spermatozoon.” Spermatozoon. There’s gotta be a ska band with this name. There’s gotta be.

Tumescence: The opposite of detumescence, a la “readiness for sexual activity.” Just tell your partner next time that you are tumescent when you are turned on. How hot is that?!

Transrectal Ultrasound: This is a technique where a lubricated wand goes up your bum to check your prostate. This helps to diagnose blockages and to diagnose causes of infertility in men. Also: you’re getting something up your bum. Take that, straight men: do that shit for your woman. She has to beep out a bowling ball from her hole for you. Put that fucking lubed wand in your ass!

2.5 Millimeteres: This is the normal volume of sperm a man produces. If you’re producing less, your tubes may be blocked and you might be a great candidate for that anal exploration just mentioned.

Photo via.

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