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Songs About Fucking Santa

It’s December and with that comes intense musical offerings to the spirits of the season, in the hopes that we are festive enough.

That’s how I spent my weekend, dolling up my place for Christmas and listening to lots of Sharon Jones’ holiday album with a mashing of all sorts of other Christmas carols. Amidst all this, a few songs in the queue popped up that were a bit…raunchy? Not like Trina raunchy but a bit sexually forward in relationship to the season’s top dude: there are several songs about fucking Santa.

We all know them and we all love them but have we actually stopped to analyze the how and why Santa is getting fucked in these songs? I spent a lot of my weekend doing that, imagining these people getting their goodies from a large or small, fit or fat seasonal spirit that they hope will indulge their Christmas delights.

Thus, enjoy these songs about fucking Santa. There are more of them than you think.

“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”
An obvious song that arguably originated the genre, the original song was recorded in 1952 by a thirteen year old. The song has been covered lots and lots and lots of times, losing the original twang to the song. This song isn’t exactly about fucking Santa though but rather your dad dressed as Santa, making it a bit more tame than some of the rest.

“Santa Baby”
The Eartha Kitt classic came out a year after “Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” and offered a more directly sexual song about Santa. Kitt positions herself as a forwardly Santa lusting lady who just wants that cutie to hurry down the chimney so they can get their freak on. Of course, this song isn’t really about Santa: it’s about [insert whoever is her/your sugar daddy]. Santa is a kind euphemism for your seasonal honey in this song.

“Here Comes Santa Claus”
Okay, yeah, sure: this is not a Santa fucking song.  However, the 1947 Gene Autry classic can be retroactively read as someone trying to pleasure Santa, trying to get him to, you know, come. Once he “comes,” everything will be all better. What a demanding fucking fuck, y’all. More on this later.

“Santa Looked a Lot Like Daddy”
Now we get into a series of sixties and seventies songs about hyper-sexualizing Santa. The first is a country song from 1965 by Buck Owens that evolves “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” to a romp about Santa literally being your dad. This song is without the innocence of a child confused why mommy is kissing Santa opting instead for a wiser child who is in the know: your mom is Santa’s mistress / Santa had sex with your mother to make you.

“I’ll Be Your Santa Baby”
Remember “Here Comes Santa Claus” being sexy? Rufus Thomas took that idea and went there in 1973, with a song that uses the Autry tune as a means to tell a woman that he’ll bring you more than toys when he comes. It’s a very kicky, funky dose of holiday soul that is the first song to go there: it’s time to fuck Santa.

“Santa Claus Needs Some Lovin”
Like Thomas, Albert King released this song in 1974 about Santa needing love after a long ass holiday season. If you watched the Netflix Bill Murray special last year, you might remember the song being covered by Murray and George Clooney, offering a gross old dude version of the song. But, hey, that’s how it’s always been, I guess?

“Not Tonight Santa”
After decades of getting fucked, Santa is now a bit too forward with his wanting to get some. In 2005, UK pop act Girls Aloud released a song about telling Santa to fuck off because you already have a honey and he can find someone else to get his fuck on with. This song is like “Santa Baby” if the singer were kind of bored of Santa sex and ready to move on.

“Christmas Tree”
No, this song isn’t about Santa but the 2008 Lady Gaga song suggests she and someone fuck under a Christmas tree: she wants this person (Santa?) to smoke her out and then do her next to the presents. Ho, ho, ho, baby—and WWJD? Joanne, that is.

“Santa Tell Me”
Finally, Ariana Grande released this silly song in 2013 that goes most direct with the concept of Santa trying to sleep with you despite not being able to make it work (or can they??). As Gawker noted in 2014, “Grande also reveals she is wary of ‘giving it all away’—presumably a euphemism for engaging in sexual intercourse—to a partner who is unwilling or unable to make a long term commitment to the relationship.” So, yes, it’s about Santa not being able to commit but, hey, they’ll have some fun now. (Also: the way the chorus / lyrics “Santa tell me…” is sung is kind of a slant ways rip-off Amy Grant’s “Baby, Baby.”)

Photo via.

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