Ansel Elgort is a 21 year old actor with old fashioned looks and a vanilla appeal. He is cool enough and is frequently the byline to whatever B+ list tween star he’s in a movie with. He’s OK. Just OK. Someone apparently thinks he’s great though—like record executives—because he now has a major record deal.
To do what? To make electronic music. Congrats, Ansel! He makes music as the cringeworthy named Ansolo. I was wondering how he sounds since he’s an artist described as an “eclectic mix of funk, disco and straightforward EDM.” Maybe it’s not so bad? Let’s peruse his Soundcloud and hear for ourselves.
Ansolo & Jerm’s “The Right Stuff”
This beginning isn’t terrible because it feels like Alan Braxe & Fred Falke and then it becomes a cloud of rising tension that is broken up in a stereotypical, eye roll inspiring way. Eventually it commits to being bad Alan Braxe & Fred Falke. At least they decided which direction to go in?
Pierce Fulton’s “Runaway (Ansolo Remix)”
Thirty seconds in and I’m already dizzy. This is like putting a microphone really close to a straw as someone sips very, very slowly while another person sings in the background. This is making me sad. It’s the same thing over and over and over again and I’ve only heard one song from him. It’s like an after elementary school skipping song that was fed cocaine.
Ansolo & Special Features’ “Unite (Original Mix)”
Maybe if you took all of the Miami Sound Machine and forced them to get over caffeinated, you’d get this. This has all the charm of a gay club jammer minus any of the hooky lyricism or creativity. And, who the fuck are these collaborators? These are all made up artists. Maybe they’re child stars, too?
Tom Staar & Ansolo’s “Totem”
His “latest” song, this is literally a stuffy version of the previous song multiplied by a robotic vocals from Sting’s “Desert Rose.” I feel like I’m trying to take a nap on the beach but someone is insisting on pouring vodka with neon orange juice all over my face and then I realize I am in Vegas instead of a beach and that I should probably evaporate in the sun or else the music will suck the life out of me.
Galantis’ “Runaway (U & I) (Ansolo Remix)“
Alright, he’s trolling us now, right? This song has already happened twice. Was he given only one very small kit of sonic Legos to make music? Has no one gotten him a better music library? Who are his influences? Dollar signs and a film of tanning oil atop of a swimming pool? This is making my penis hurt.
Arno Cost & Norman Doray’s “Strong (Ansolo Remix)”
“….INCUMING TRANZMISSION……..B INZPIRED……..BE IN LOVE……..B ZTRONG…….PEE ON UR FRIENDZ……PUT A TOAZTER IN UR BATH……KIZZ UR GIRLFRIEND……CALL UR MOM…….REWIND UR LIFE N UR HEAD…….WELCUM 2 A HELL OF NOT BEING ABLE 2 FIND A ZTALL W/ A DOOR WHEN YOU NEED 2 TAKE A ZHIT OUT @ A CLUB…”
Ansolo’s “To Life” (Preview)
This is apparently his debut single which he’s been teasing and clapping about since April, which is crazy because all it is a marimba song slowed down and then fast forwarded while being shot through a long tunnel that leads to space, where it will eventually explode into the clouds to spell “LOOK HOW LUCKY I AM TO HAVE AN EMBEDDED AUDIENCE AND A P.R. TEAM AND RICH PARENTS!” over the audience. The words will sprinkle down on them as a sticky liquid that they will never be able to wash off.